Flying the nest

This weekend, I experienced what I suspect will be a profound moment in my life – I helped my eldest son to fly the family nest and move into his own home. The experience made me reflect on the nature of change and the importance of recognising when it’s time to embrace new chapters in life and career. My eldest son moved into his own home the same month the world saw President Biden acknowledge that he should stand down from the US election. Both events, though vastly different, share a common theme: the right time to accept change.

Seeing my son step into his new home filled me with a mix of pride and nostalgia (and yes, a few tears were shed). It’s a monumental step, signifying his transition into true adulthood. For years, he has prepared for this moment— saving diligently, learning to budget, buying useful items, and making plans. As a parent, it’s a bittersweet milestone. We nurture our children, provide them with guidance, and support them until they’re ready to fly solo. When that moment arrives, it’s both a validation of our efforts and a poignant reminder that change is constant and inevitable. I am going to miss waving him off to work in the mornings – he always left the house earlier than me. However, as the saying goes: If you truly love something, let it go. On a more positive note, I am glad not to be loading up and driving a transit van again this week.

On a broader stage, President Biden’s decision to step down from the upcoming election is a pivotal moment in political leadership. Leadership is not just about knowing how to govern but also understanding when to pass the baton. President Biden’s tenure has been marked by significant achievements and challenges. His decision to not run is a testament to his self-awareness and commitment to the greater good. It’s an acknowledgment that new leadership might bring fresh perspectives and renewed energy, essential for addressing future events.

These two occurrences prompted me to think about the right time to accept change in life and career. Here are a few reflections:

1.     Self-awareness: Understanding your strengths, limitations, and the context around you is crucial. Whether it’s moving out, like my son, or stepping down from a role, like President Biden, recognising when your current path no longer aligns with your goals or the needs of those you serve is key.

2.     Preparation and Planning: Change is less daunting when it’s planned. My son’s move was the result of years of preparation (if his lawyer had had any more involvement, it might even now still be an on-going project). Similarly, effective career transitions often come from thoughtful planning and readiness to embrace new opportunities.

3.     Courage to Let Go: It takes courage to let go of the familiar. For my son, it was the comfort of home – laundry, cleaning, a full fridge all laid on; for President Biden, it’s the power and responsibility of leadership. Embracing change often means stepping into the unknown, which requires bravery and confidence in the future.

4.     Openness to Growth: Change often brings growth. New challenges and environments push us to adapt and evolve. By moving into his own home, my son will learn and grow in ways he couldn’t under my roof. For President Biden, stepping aside allows for new leadership to tackle emerging issues with fresh vigour.

5.     Legacy and Impact: Ultimately, the decision to embrace change should consider the legacy you leave behind. My son’s independence is a part of the legacy of our family’s values and way of being (we are all strong-minded individuals). President Biden’s decision reflects his desire to ensure a stable and prosperous future for the nation, valuing the legacy of his leadership.

Change is inevitable and necessary for personal and collective growth. Whether it’s watching a loved one embark on a new journey or witnessing a leader make a selfless decision, these moments remind us that the right time to accept change is when it aligns with our values, readiness, and the greater good.

Here’s to embracing change with wisdom, courage, and a forward-looking perspective. And may Charles be very happy in his new home.

Here. Now. - Day 8

Day 8 (Saturday 8th December)

Eight is a rowing class recognised by the International Rowing Federation and is the
term for a rowing boat, propelled by eight oarsmen and steered by a cox, used in competitive sports.
Rowing started as a means of transport and progressed into a sport - its modern form was developed
in England in the 1700s. It is an amateur sport and an Olympic event. When Pierre de Coubertin
created the Modern Olympics, he modelled the International Olympic Committee on the
Henley Stewards. The stewards organise the Henley Royal Regatta, one of rowing's most prestigious events.
I was Captain and stroke of our crew at University but have also rowed bow and been a cox.

Normal service is slowly resuming at my end and as a result I am delighted to commence posting Advent Blogs that have been crafted specifically for us for this year. And what a cracker today is - especially for me, as it shows that there is light ahead and that emotional objectives can be achieved. I am grateful to people who have been so understanding to me in my current dejection. I am not ready to share on here as the situation I find myself in is not about me but hurts those I love and care about. Perhaps this is why I love today's post so much - it is all about love, emotions, self-awareness and finding happiness and contentment.. 

It is my good fortune that is the first blog I received for the 2018 season - as you know, the theme for this year is "Heartaches, Hopes and High Fives". It is an honest piece of self-reflection and an enjoyable read. I suspect that its words will resonate with many of us and I hope it raises a smile. Its author is Phil Marsland who, after a very successful career in HR, now runs a Leadership and HR consultancy, Blue Tree. Over the years I have got to know Phil - he is pragmatic and values driven with a dry sense of humour. He is active on social media, particularly Twitter where he tweets under his own name @FulfordPhil and also under his business' @BlueTreePhil. Phil is 

supportive and caring and does much to promote the HR profession 

as a mentor and speaker. 

He founded ConnectingHR York in 2015 and it is a thriving a vibrant 

community.

As well as his passion for people, Phil loves music (and by love I really do mean love - it is his third space). He is also a keen fan of Manchester City Football Club. Although, perhaps the thing that drives Phil most (other than his devotion for his family) is his love of learning.

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I normally write when emotions are high. The words just pour out, often getting published unedited, unexpurgated.

The process for this year's Advent blog has been harder.

I've been thinking about why that is, and I think I know.

I'm currently calmer, happier, possibly the happiest I've ever been since I got keys, responsibilities and bills.

Here's the kicker. It won't stay like that. It never does. I've always fluctuated, wobbled, rocked. Been forever in search of balance. Getting stuff wrong.

Prioritising work - whatever the hell that is?! - over family. Getting too attached to work, and people there. Too emotional, too passionate, too irrational and unreasonable. It's probably just me. Probably just how I am. I have peaks and troughs.

I have peaked at various things. Got really really good, then a bit bored, then look for something else. Don't get me wrong, I've never been world class at anything. But I've won stuff, captained teams, won tournaments, won cruises.

I think flow works for me as a wave. My peaks are better than most people. I excel at focus and intensity and real insight. But I can't hold it there, I have to crash down. Slump in my music room with a beer. Reflecting. Recovering.

It's taken me a half century of actual years, and probably a few decades less in conscious years to realise this stuff about me.

In the intervening haphazard-stumbling through life, I have coped less well. Been sharp verbally, been uncompromising, unreasonable. Pushed folk away. Felt lost, felt lonely. And wanted people and contact.

So 'Happy' is something of an undiscovered country for me, until recently.

10 years ago I set myself 3 objectives:

• to be happy
• for Chris to be happy
• for the kids to be happy and have rewarding and fulfilling childhoods and the best possible start in life

We've got there... through risk and uncertainty.

And now I want for nothing. Not fancy clothes, possessions or holidays. I've done all that. For me, I don't want anything more. And in this state I'm loving music, mates, family time, footy and a beer or two. All of this is gravy.

And we all know that Northern boys love gravy.

PS this is the first draft, unedited.

These are not Hollow words

Day 32 (Sunday 1st January 2017)

32% of Fiji's GDP equates to $1.4 billion - which was the cost of the damage incurred by the
island as a result of Cyclone Winston that hit on 20th February 2016. Cyclone Winston is the
strongest recorded tropical storm in the Southern Hemisphere (with winds of 180mph).
Winston occurred just 4 months after the most powerful tropical cyclone was recorded in the
Northern Hemisphere, Hurricane Patricia, with winds of 215mph. Our climate is changing.

Happy New Year - may the next 12 months bring you joy, health, experiences that make you think and enable you to grow and memories that you can cherish. Today we have a short, impactful and wise post sent to me by Helen Amery; written while she was in hospital, accompanying her young daughter who had injured her arm. It is full of "heart" and acknowledges Life's highs and lows - hence it seems a perfect piece with which to start 2017.

Helen specialises in executive coaching and leadership development, via her own business, Wild Fig Solutions Limited. She is based in Leicester, but helps people and businesses across the UK. She writes an excellent blog - originally called People-ology but now hosted on her business Wild Fig site. After obtaining a good degree in Chemistry from Edinburgh, Helen commenced training as an accountant with PwC but then realised that she was better suited to HR. Before establishing her own consultancy, Helen worked for a number of years as a respected HR professional with Boots. She is active on social media and excellent at encouraging people to connect IRL (in real life) as well as online. Her twitter handle is @WildFigSoins.

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These are not Hollow words

The heights of laughing with my daughter to the hollow of her in surgery and the words from the surgeon of 'we lost a pulse' (thankfully not forever). Extreme swelling and breaking of my heart in the space of a day.

The extreme height of excitement of a new baby for the family. The bottomless hollow when he didn't make it, complications during pregnancy. Heart swells and wrenches for months and years.*

Sculpture by artist Martin Hudáček from Slovakia
 in memorial of unborn children who have passed away.

The daily muddle of mini heights and hollows when things go ok and then less well, good and then bad. Short-lived but each as real as the next and every one of them influencing how we feel from moment to moment. 

Emotional scale devised by Abraham Hicks

We're all different, and how we experience our heights and hollows is different. But we all experience them and too many hollows for too long can take their toll.

Pay attention to yours.  Get the help you need when you need it.  Someone is always there - someone you know. Or maybe someone you've not spoken to yet.  But they're there.

If you need them, the Samaritans are always there - 116 123.

*Our friends' experience this year. 

Views into Another World - Day 56

Day 56 (25th January 2015)

56 - the exact number of curls in Shirley Temple's hair when a child actress

Her mother, Gertrude, gave her ringlets similar to those of the silent movie star Mary Pickford 

Shirley Temple inadvertently caused Graham Greene to write "The Power and the Glory". 

He had been a film critic, but his comments on her performance in "Wee Willie Winkie": 

"Her admirers "“ middle-aged men and clergymen "“ respond to her dubious coquetry, 

to the sight of her well-shaped and desirable little body, packed with 

enormous vitality, only because the safety curtain of story and dialogue drops 

between their intelligence and their desire", resulted in a libel action. 

Following this Greene resigned and left the UK to travel in Mexico, 

a trip which inspired his masterpiece.

Alex Moyle is the Managing Director of Selzig Consulting, based in Bristol (Selzig is word of Scandinavian origin meaning "to serve" - Alex is a specialist in sales and his business focuses on helping organisations to enhance revenue and growth through customer service and talent management - serving clients and employees). Prior to setting up his own business, Alex spent over 15 years with global recruitment experts, Robert Half, where, having proved himself an able senior consultant (he was a branch manager) he became a specialist in training and developing employees and was the UK Director of talent Development. Alex is married and lives with his family near Bristol. He is active on social media (his Twitter handle is @Alex_Moyle) and a regular blogger on LinkedIn.

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Everything we see, hear, smell and think is tainted by perspective. My favourite quote of all time is in Act 2 Scene 2, Lines 246 to 247 from Hamlet where Hamlet says to Rozencrantz:

"Why, then, ’tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” 

What I love about the quote is that it reminds you that, whatever situation you find yourself in, it is what you think that decides the perspective you see.

Marcus Aurelius has a similar opinion to that of Shakespeare

However a challenge for us all is that the decisions we make and the perspective we choose is more often than not a subconscious one.

Dali's painting: Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee
around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening
often cited as a depiction of the subconscious influencing thoughts

Worse still is that, if we are not consciously aware of the perspective from which we see situations, how are we to be conscious in seeing the perspectives of others as we live our lives?

No one wants to be the boss that is seen as uncaring or or self-centred, only concerned with our own view on the world.  Or, in the best case, wandering through life thinking everyone likes you, but mysteriously spending Christmas Day on your own.

So what are the conscious triggers that you can use to encourage you to see life from another perspective? 

• Try reading a different news paper or news website than usual and, rather than disagreeing with the view points you read, think “what is making them think like that?" If you read the Telegraph try the Guardian, etc...

The Sun vs.Daily Mirror - contrasting opinions
Headlines for Thursday 6th May 2010 UK election

• When your husband, wife or partner is frustrated with something you have done, rather than defend ask yourself “what are they seeing that I am not that is making them respond in this way?"

• When someone in your team is complaining about the company, rather than immediately defend the situation with the company line ask them “why is it you think that?"

• When your boss delivers change that you do not perceive as positive, think “what is the business trying to achieve from this change?”  This may seem strange but, in the main, companies do not set out to deliberately make their staff unhappy.

• When you are confronted by an unhappy customer whom you feel is being unreasonable, ask your self “how would I feel if I had this happen to me?"

More often that not once you start asking yourself these questions another world opens up that is different than the one you see today. 

Strange things may start happening to you.  You may find that you think a little longer before you respond, instead of defaulting to your pre-programmed way; you may be slightly less judgemental knowing the person annoying you may have good reason for behaving that way. You never know, you may even start reading a different paper, voting differently or switch your football team from the blues to the reds...

David Bowie - "Changes" from the album Hunky Dory, 1971

It would be great to get your ideas and suggestions on things you should ask yourself in situations where you probably could do with pausing and seeing things from a different perspective. 

Comments below please.

A Path to Compassion - Day 51

Day 51 (20th January 2015)

51% is the minimum maize content in Bourbon Whiskey

(with the other grains usually being a mixture of Rye and Malt).
Most distillers use 65-75% "corn" hence the sweet taste.

It must begin ageing in charred oak barrels (for colour & flavour) 

at no more than 125 proof and be bottled between 80 and 160 proof.

Un-aged Bourbon is called White Dog.

There are more barrels of Bourbon than people in Kentucky.

Illustration - 19th Century Bourbon bottle

Today's post is by Janice Howitt - a wonderful lady whom I met when we were colleagues in Edinburgh in 2011.  Janice is an experienced Senior HR Manager at RBS. When I was with her she worked formidable hours and some colleagues were slightly intimidated by her. She is a strong character and has a quick wit. We forged a friendship and remained in touch when I left. I have immense admiration for the way in which Janice has coped with the trails of the past two years. This is her first ever blog. She read others' posts that I had linked on Facebook and decided to contribute. In her piece below she is making a public pledge that many of us would do well to emulate.

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Compassion  can be defined as the  emotion  that one feels in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help. Nowhere has this been more evident than in recent days in my wonderful dear city of Glasgow. The bin lorry tragedy followed so recently after the Clutha Bar tragedy, bookending two festive periods, has left the city with a dreadful sense of loss and questioning why. And yet what we have seen in Glasgow are human beings showing and demonstrating real compassion in such terrible events. 

Clutha disaster - police helicopter crash, November 29th 2013

The bin lorry crash resonated so deeply with us all for three reasons; firstly, an incident so near Christmas causing death, injury and emotional distress is always tragic, secondly Glasgow and its people suffering again from what could be described as an act of God so soon after Clutha has felt unjust, and thirdly, it happened in a busy shopping and commuting area of Glasgow where any one of us may have been that day, had fate shared a different hand. 

View down Queen Street towards George Square, Glasgow
shortly after bin lorry crash, 22nd December 2014

What was witnessed was truly awful and yet people helped in their droves, treating the injured, closing eyes of the dead and supporting other human beings in their time of need. 

Glaswegian compassion
Floral tributes and messages for the victims of the crash in George Square

Today a vigil at the first of the crash sites attracted more than 1000 people, each joined in grief, compassion and a unified desire to help others. 

Glasgow vigil, Sunday 28th December 2014

This is the city I know, the people I love and the spirit I am proud of. Prayers and thoughts are with those affected directly or indirectly by these events and I am hopeful that over time, these people can heal and recover.

I Wish I was In Glasgow -sung by Iain MacKintosh, composed by Billy Connolly

This recent tragedy, and the reaction of normal people, has motivated me to engage differently with my own emotional responses to compassion going forwards. Too often, I am motivated to help others in response to my emotions, but I choose not to. I am realistic - I know that I will never give my life up to go and volunteer to help stop the spread of Ebola, and perhaps I don't need to, but too often life gets in the way and the smaller, less material things, which I could do to help others, get brushed aside. The people who lose out are those I have emotionally responded to, but then done nothing for. 

In the latter part of 2013 I contracted Septicaemia, given only a 20% chance of survival and recovered. 2014 has consequently been a year of recuperation, with long periods off work and the isolation associated with this, the discovery of true friendship, the divorce of some other friendships and learning to adjust to a different pace of life. I have however been given a gift that I truly cherish: I have learnt to properly balance my work and personal life, am significantly less stressed, I now have a perspective I have never had and an inner peace that only comes with facing death, choosing life and valuing family and friendships. 

Perhaps it has also been this life changing event that has engendered in me a desire to be more compassionate to others and try to actively and passionately help others. 

Perhaps it was always there but life, work, and exhaustion gave me neither the clarity or desire to change from FEELING compassionate of others and events, to ACTING also on these emotions. 

Proactive Compassion
Generosity Bestowing Her Gifts, by Giovanni Battista, 1734

And so, I am committed in 2015 to "pay it forward", choosing carefully the events, occasions or people I will not just desire to help, but ACTUALLY help.

These will not be monumental actions such as responding to Ebola or War but neither will they be the easy choices, such as always donating money. These will be the choices that require time, courage, commitment and consistency of response from me and I hope, by taking this approach, I can do a little to help others. Glasgow as a city and a population will continue to support those affected by recent events, show and demonstrate compassion well beyond 2014 and I too will now step up and do more to help others.

Providing a helping hand

My questions to you are: 

"Do you feel, do you act, do you walk by, do you care?" 

and 

"What if it were you who needed help and support, who would be there for you?" 

One act, one time, one event, one person, is all it takes.......

The Good Samaritan by Honoré Daumier ,1828
Burrell Collection, Glasgow

The Best is Yet To Be - Day 10

Day 10

10 Downing Street
the UK Prime Minister's London residence
Downing Street is named after Sir George Downing,
one of Harvard's earliest graduates; he financed the building of the street.
Samuel Pepys described him as a "perfidious rogue".
Until the 15th century, the site was the location of the Axe brewery, run by monks

Vera Woodhead wrote today's piece. Vera was one of the first people I got to know via Twitter and she is an inspirational and supportive contact. You can follow her via @verawoodhead. She works as a facilitator and professional coach, with a particular interest in women's leadership and career progression. She also lectures for a number of academic establishments and organisations. If you want to know more about her career and professional experience check out her profile on LinkedIn or read her blog. What she writes below will tell you more about how she views and lives life...

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The best is yet to be

A startling realisation has been dawning on me. Given that the life expectancy of women in the UK is 82.5 years, I have lived more than half of my life! And in a few years I would have lived half a century.

UK life expectancy predictions, via BBC, 2014

Age brings some benefits and freedom. Permit me to share some:

Carefree

I care less of what other people think or say about me. The accumulation of life experiences grows into a thick skin which gives you a certain worldliness and wisdom. I know ‘me’ best – my values, strengths, talents, shadow side, weaknesses….I have had plenty of time to learn to accept who and what I am – and this is so very liberating.

There is less of having to prove oneself or compare self to others. No longer do I feel guilty if I am out on the moors at 2 pm on a weekday afternoon whilst everyone else is tweeting how busy they are or how wonderful work is.

The Yorkshire moors - photo by Steve Jackson

Learning to live in the moment is more evident. To be blunt, the number of moments (or years) is diminishing, so best to make the most of them!

Family

I have made certain choices – work, lifestyle, financial… to give my children the best childhood they could have. Even though it was a choice, it did not stop me from feeling resentful at times and even frustrated.

On the other hand it has enabled me to develop and extend my portfolio of skills and knowledge which made me adaptable, flexible and suitable for today’s market place.

   

And most importantly, I am reaping the rewards of watching my children grow into happy, balanced and responsible young adults.

A life lived

So far, I have survived 2 near death experiences and one life saving surgery. Life is precious, time limited and needs to be lived fully.

When my children started secondary school, holidays became adventure time.

The shared experiences and memories created when experiencing different places, cultures, and people are priceless and imprinted on our souls. They will hold us together.

Nothing can beat being woken by the loud guttural sounds of Howler monkeys in the Rainforest, being 10 m from a brown bear as he enters the water and swims across the lake in British Columbia, witnessing a humpback whale and its calf on its migration in San Francisco or fearing for your life when the only thing between you and the caimans is a dugout canoe in the Amazon.

I hope that my children will cherish these moments and when they leave, I will create some of my own – a gap year for the over 50’s, a world challenge expedition, volunteering overseas….the possibilities are endless!

Work

Leadership development is big business with US organisations spending an estimated $13.6 billion in 2012. After 18 years in the field of leadership, I am becoming cynical and wondering who is benefiting from all this development?

Effective leaders need to become masters of themselves – self awareness, clarity of purpose, values, strengths and have the desire to lead. Leadership starts with a journey of self discovery.

Most leaders are already competent in what they do. It is often the ‘how’ that needs adjusting. This ‘how’, stretch and emotional courage needs to come from real situations – to be vulnerable, to communicate difficult things, to listen with empathy, to receive real time feedback, to make tough decisions and be accountable for them…

We are all leaders in our own capacity and the behaviours demonstrated in good leaders, are the same that can be seen in any good person:   

Play

My biggest learning this year has come from completing my first marathon. It has tested not only my joints but also my mind. I have learnt so much about myself: my resilience, motivation, being in harmony with my body….and the true meaning of the cliché, ‘it’s a marathon, not a sprint’. It really is one step at a time.

Practice needs to be mastered so am having another go next year with the London marathon and raising funds for Children with Cancer UK (any donations gratefully accepted). Have recently been told that I need a new knee, am unsure how the joints will hold up – ever the optimist!  

Grow old with me. The best is yet to be! (Robert Browning) 

@verawoodhead

In case the picture doesn’t work:

1.     Be kind

2.     Be grateful

3.     Show empathy and compassion

4.     Know your values and having the courage to stand up for what you believe in

5.     Be generous

6.     Recognise and use your talents and strengths

7.     Be aware of your shadow side and learn to manage

8.     Be collaborative 

9.     Build and nurture relationships

10.  Know your purpose and drive