Silver Linings - Day 25 (Christmas Day)

Day 25 (Monday 25th December 2017 - Christmas Day)

Happy Christmas!  Regardless of your religious beliefs, may you enjoy light and bright times, filled with love and laughter, and, if your life is beset with troubles, experience respite from the worst the dark can bring. A number of this Series' authors have written about their own personal struggles during the year. I know of others who either have decided either not to share their pain or who chose not to contribute a piece at all, due to finding the current demands of life almost too much to bear. Traditionally today is a day of generosity, please spare some thoughts and/or provide support to those in need, grief or pain.

Today's post is by a new voice to the Advent Blogs - Paula Whylie. As you will see when you read her piece, Paula belives in providing love and support. I think it is an ideal post for Christmas Day. Paula is the Engagement and Development Manager for the charity Bolton at Home. I first met Paula via Twitter, her handle is @Paula_BaH. She is a loving wife and daughter, proud mother to three wonderful children and devoted carer of Eric a handsome, clever and cuddly young "Staffie" (Staffordshire Bull Terrior). She is an accomplished artist, even though she modestly refers to her drawings as doodles. She believes in trying to make the world a better place and often does through her sheer passion and exuberance. 

Paula selected her own illustrations for today's post. 

******************************

It’s the first time ice contributed to Kate’s (@KateGL) annual Advent Blog although I’ve been writing the occasional blog on and off for a while now, some for the lovely folk at www.thecounsellorscafe.co.uk some on Medium  and the odd few here there and everywhere, I started blogging after experiencing a bout of poor mental health which distanced me from my friends, family and work for a period of around eight months. I learnt a lot about myself during that time and have continued to do so. My first lesson was every cloud has a silver lining.

After some of my darkness had lifted I wrote The Day the Dam Burst it was a cathartic experience and one I’d recommend to anyone (even if you don’t publish it) as it serves as a reminder that you’re stronger than you think you are. I experienced loneliness which is hard to describe, if I think of it as a painting its Edvard Munch’s The Scream.  The impact of feeling lonely was another lesson which in retrospect I was glad to be taught, it made me think differently about my lovely mum who lives alone and whilst we’ve always been close, thinking differently about what life is like for her has made a difference to how we spend time together.

Earlier this year I wrote A Genuine Smile about my mums seventieth birthday. I’m smiling now as I write this, as this year we carried on giving her some sort of treat each weekend from picnics in her lounge as she’s mainly house bound to buying her a stuffed dog when we got a puppy earlier on in the year, Mum’s dogs called Ralph as she sits cuddling him. We’re also trying to make December as special as possible for her again by giving her a treat each weekend leading up to December and each time we give her something she always replies “I’ll bloody kill you, don’t waste your money on me” at which point we all laugh.

This year Age Concern UK have launched their  #NoOneShouldHaveNoOne campaign to help address the fact that almost 1 million older people feel lonelier at Christmas than any other time of the year. Loneliness is a social monster, it lurks in dark places and creeps up on our loved ones, I live and work in Bolton and its estimated we have around 4160 lonely people. We are lucky to have another Angel @KatieHuddleUp set up a business in Bolton this year and she’s not prepared to let this continue, Katie and her team are inviting anyone who feels lonely on Christmas Day to join them at @HuddleUpAllSouls 

Whilst I wouldn’t wish poor mental health on anyone, my silver lining was realising that I could make a difference by talking openly about my mental health in the workplace and home, which I have done and will continue to do so as its enabled many conversations to take place and support to be put into place, for that I’m grateful to take something positive from the experience.

                  

Looking forward to a happy X-mas - Day 1

Day 1 (Friday 1st December 2017)

One single Yule log was the celebrated heart of the household in times gone by
- in Northern Europe, at the darkest part of the year, it was traditional for a tree to be cut down
and dragged into the house to be burnt. It provided warmth and cheer and encouraged feasting.
A small piece was saved to the following year to act as kindling for the new log.
When Christianity took hold this pagan tradition was amended - in Germany it
became the Christmas tree. Nowadays it is often represented by a log-shaped cake.
Painting by Sir John Gilbert depicting Henry VIII greeting the Yule Log

It is the first day of Advent. It is with great pleasure that I welcome to the 2017 Advent Blogs Series, with pieces written on the theme of Darkness and Dawn. It is both a privilege and an honour to host this annual event. I know from people's comments, when they submit posts, and also from the observations that have been made on social media, that this series has become a much loved and eagerly anticipated annual tradition. I can promise you some wonderful blogs over the next few weeks. Last night I attended the most beautiful carol service, held by candlelight in St Bartholomew's church near Smithfield, the oldest church in London. It was exquisite, so much so that it reduced one of my colleagues to tears. It is an annual event, hosted by LHH Penna, and I always used to say that it was "the start of Christmas". Now that milestone has been usurped - the launch of the Advent Blog series is the commencement of the festive period for me. It gives me great joy to bid you "Welcome!"

The first post in this year's Series is written by Mark Hendy. Those of you who read his Advent Blog post of last year will probably remember that he lives in Wales and is a devoted dad to young Oscar, indeed being a father made him reevaluate his priorities. Mark is a highly respected HR professional and is a lynchpin in the HR social media and wider community. He established #HRHour, which takes place on Twitter every Thursday at 8.00pm GMT and is an excellent forum for the sharing of ideas and opinions (you can find out more by following @HR_Hour on Twitter) and I am sure that Mark would be delighted if you joined in. In addition, he is an active participant in #ldinsight discussions every Friday at 8.00am GMT on Twitter via @L&DConnect (his Twitter handle is @markSWHRF) and he both founded and chairs the South Wales HR Forum. He writes an excellent blog - Hendys HR Blog. In addition to HR and enhancing work and the workplace, Mark is an avid music fan (and musician) he also enjoys boxing and supporting Swansea FC (not at the same time). He is a genuinely an all-round good guy and well worth getting to know.

Mark's post touches on his love of being a parent, but be warned, it is a sobering read as well as reminding us that "this is the seasonal time for giving"...

******************************************

I’m writing this piece in November, at that point in the month where thinking about planning for Christmas is necessary. I’m at that particular mid-point between being jealous of those annoying people who cheerily brag about having completed their Christmas shopping (get a life!), and not being one of those who runs around on a fool's errand on Christmas Eve like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie ‘Jingle All The Way’..

Before having a family, I was a ‘do everything the week before’ type of person.

Not anymore.

I think about Christmas during my commute to work, a one hour drive in darkness across the South Wales Valleys, a route that rides parallel to my home town of Neath and across the Neath Valley, before it takes me up over Merthyr, where I drive on a dual-carriageway that runs above Merthyr’s Gurnos Estate, a notorious and vast council estate unfairly denigrated over the years, but undoubtedly a place with social problems. It is probably also filled with oodles of love and citizenship too, but people don’t seem to talk about that.

I think about a lot when I’m driving. I think about things I need to, things I want to, and of course, with the brain being a complex thing, I sometimes think about things that I could do with not thinking about. I’m human, and that’s normal.

But recently i’ve been thinking about Christmas.

Each year at this holiday season, my workplace supports a charity called The Mr X Appeal which started in 1959 when a gentleman from the South of England decided to do something. Mr X started with the aim of ensuring that children from disadvantaged backgrounds across the region who might not otherwise receive any presents on Christmas day, would wake up to at least one gift. The scheme transferred from the South of England to South Wales when Mr X relocated to the area some years later.

Mr X remained anonymous his entire life until he passed away at age 92 in 2016 when his identity was revealed as Mr Tom Bravin. Mr Bravin wanted to remain anonymous for this work as he did not want any of the spotlight to be on him, but to be on the good charity of those who donated gifts, and to focus on the plight of poverty across the country.

Mr Bravin, you are a hero.

Tom Bravin

The charity has continued since Mr Bravin’s passing, through a team of volunteers that he had assembled a few years before his death, and so his legacy lives on and each year more children are supported.

The way that the scheme works is that public bodies and charities provide to the team at Mr X the first names and basic details (gender and age) of children across South Wales who would be unlikely to receive any gifts at Christmas. Mr X acts as a middle-man to assign each child to someone who wishes to take part in the scheme and provide a gift/gifts. Obviously anonymity and safeguarding of real identities is extremely important. Many businesses and individuals across South Wales take part and last year over 4,500 gifts were donated.

Mr X Appeal - the facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/MrXAppeal/

So last week I made my annual phone call to the team at Mr X to be given the details of the children we could support this year. Usually we take the details of 2 children and so this year we have the same. The team at Mr X gave me details of the first child. A little girl who is just over a year old.

Then came the details of the second child. A boy near enough the same age as my son, 4.

This hit me like a dagger in the heart that manifested itself in an awkward silence. A lump in the throat formed and a tear grew. Something hit home that affected me and I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it since.

I’ve been thinking about how a child like my son might have received nothing if we hadn’t made that call. I’ve been thinking about what the little boy knows and understands about Christmas and how difficult it’s going to be for him and/or his family.

Does he understand that he might not wake up to a gift?

Does he write Christmas lists in a school classroom for Father Christmas that he understands are likely to be irrelevant? Does he feel compelled to lie to his friends about what he thinks he’s going to get, whilst other children embellish enthusiastically as little children do, about what Santa is going to bring them?

Does he see and experience the heartache likely to be felt by his parents who watch on helplessly knowing that they are not in a position to provide a gift this year whilst most other children will receive something?

Does he even want anything, or would he prefer his siblings and parents receive something instead, if, of course, he has any?

Where will he wake up and what will Christmas morning be like for him?

And I think and worry about the parents too, not that I know whether he has any, and about what they must be going through. How are they surviving at this time of year? How much pressure must they be under and how cruel is it that this merry season has been commercialised to the extent that it creates this form of weight on the shoulders of so many.

And I think about my little boy, and how I would hate to be in the position of not being able to provide for him at Christmas. I think about the soundbites that say that most families are only ever “2 pay cheques away from poverty” and how I’m going to work so hard for the rest of my life to give him everything that he needs.

And then I feel guilty, because whilst it is awful that any child might wake up without a gift to open, the one I seem to think more about of the two children nominated for us, is the little boy, which I rationalise is due to the fact that I have a son the same age.

Each day, I leave the house and it’s still pitch black as I set off at around 6.45am for my journey to work. Each day as I drive in the darkness I think about this little boy who I don’t know and is the same age as my son. Each day I wish, somehow, I could do more.

Around 25% of the UK’s population is in relative poverty after housing costs, and that figure is closer to 30% when we look at children. Recently, The Independent reported that “the number of looked after children hit a new high of 72,670 in the 12 months to March 2017”. Over a million people used food banks between April 2016 to March 2017, and the horror stories are getting worse as the new Universal Credit benefits system continues to be problematic.

This is a tough time for so many.

But there is light, even, if not more so, at Christmas. There is dawn.

All across the country, people are doing stuff to help others at this time of year. 

People are taking part in the Mr X Appeal, volunteering at homeless shelters and donating to food banks.

People are rallying around family and friends and doing all they can to offer support and kindness.

People are making plans for elderly loved ones to make sure they’re not lonely.

People in care homes and at refuge centres are working hard to make people feel and experience the true spirit of Christmas, to feel loved, wanted, happy, warm and safe.

Outstanding acts of kindness and selflessness take place such as Sarah Millican’s #joinin twitter discussion on Christmas Day where people who are alone can have company online and talk with others throughout the day.

Amazing people are doing, and plan to do, amazing things. This is beautiful and is the very best in humanity. Because whilst it’s not perfect out there, there are many, many acts of kindness that help a lot of people in so many different ways. If the tough times are our darkness, only kindness can be our dawn.

(*Poverty Stats from the DWP, Households Below Average Income 2015/16 report, food bank usage from the ons website)

Time to Plant Trees

“Old men sit in the shade because they planted a tree many years before.” – a traditional Ugandan proverb

In every family there are people who stand out from the crowd – they are the ones to whom the others turn in times of trouble or when needing sage advice. My Uncle Andrew was the pillar and inspiration of his generation. He was an exceptional doctor, with specialist knowledge of tropical diseases, and his working life was devoted to helping the poor of Africa. Have you seen the film, “The Last Kind of Scotland”, much of the story applies to Andrew? Andrew was an engaging, UK-qualified Doctor, with Scottish roots, who went to Uganda to establish world-class healthcare for the people who needed it most. He was much loved and respected – his local name, “Pa Crow”, came about because of his caring observant nature. He was adored by all those who knew him, (but he did not have an affair with Idi Amin’s wife - not least because he preferred men – something punishable by life imprisonment under Uganda’s legislation). As was stated in his obituary in the British Medical Journal, he cared profoundly for the poor and “the rich, if he regarded them in any way as responsible for the plight of the poor, usually received short shrift”). As in the film, my uncle was forced to flee Uganda, under imminent threat of death from Idi Amin’s regime. He was cultured and devoted to continuous learning – his last act, prior to departing Uganda, was the burial of his exceptional library, which included first editions by Sir Richard Burton (the extraordinary Victorian explorer, sexologist and spy) and also his rare collection of Makonde sculptures. The Makonde craftsmen are famous for their “tree of life’ carvings - which show intricately whittled, interconnecting human groups representing unity and continuity. Usually they depict villagers, working together with each other and nature, helping one another, to ensure survival across generations.

In some ways this blog has a similar theme…

Last year I was asked to mentor an amazing young man as part of the Queen’s Young Leaders Programme – the Programme was established to celebrate and support exceptional young people aged 18-29 (drawn from across the Commonwealth) – each and every one of them is making the world a better place. I mentored Edmund who had founded a charity to support refugees, initially in Kenya but now expanded into other locations. One of the ways I was able to help was by introducing him to some of the people in my network who are involved with charities and one of them was Ian Pettigrew, a learning and development guru and trustee of the charity Retrak. Ian is one of the nicest men I know – generous of spirit, highly intelligent and consistently considerate and encouraging. I count him as a friend and over the years we have discussed the work he has been involved in with Retrak - helping street children in various locations in Africa and South America. He told me his dream of inspiring a group of HR professionals to travel to Africa and share their skills and learning with the children, staff and others. That dream has become a reality - a small group has been chosen from those who applied and will be travelling to Kampala in September 2016 under the banner of Connecting HR Africa.  I am proud to be one of that team.

This is not “a jolly” it will be hard work and emotionally and physically demanding. I have operated in Africa, admittedly only for short periods and in a very privileged capacity, and for the past twelve years I have supported a bright Kenyan orphan called Catherine, encouraging her through education and the challenges of transitioning from being a child to an independent adult. Although an orphan, in many ways she was fortunate in that she had a place to live, regular meals and access to an education. Retrak helps those who are often less blessed. There are many reasons why children run away from home – abuse, bereavement, trafficking, desperation, etc. I believe children deserve a decent start in life and that those of us who can should help those who are less fortunate. I also know that problems need to be tackled at their root causes and that one of the reasons that there is a flood of migrants trying to escape Africa is because the problems where they come from are not being resolved. Retrak has an excellent track record of achieving lasting results. The last Retrak annual report, ending December 2014, shows that 96 children were rescued from trafficking, 4,265 street and vulnerable children were provided with help in outreach, placement, and follow up, and 605 children were reunited with families. That is an impressive record.

Part of my commitment to Retrak is to raise £2,000 for the charity. If each of my contacts on Social Media donated £1 I would exceed that amount and between us we would make a real difference. I am asking for your help – no matter how small. I promise that while I am in Uganda I will do my utmost to ensure that every penny counts. I am not requesting support for my travel costs or money for me. All sums donated will go to the charity. If you can help please follow this link to make a donation. 

My uncle Andrew didn’t need to go to Africa – he went because he knew he had skills that could make a difference. In a lesser way I wish to follow in his footsteps. I can never match his brilliance - Andrew was an amazing man in so many ways – although not affluent, he was dazzling – both to look at and in discussion. He was a true renaissance man, well read, cultured, artistic and accomplished (he was also a wonderful cook). He grew up on the fringes of the Bloomsbury Group and was close friends with Evelyn Waugh (I often felt he was like a character in Brideshead Revisited); he became a trustee for Lord Berners’ musical legacy; socialised with The Betjemans, HG Wells, Robert (“Mad Boy”) Heber-Percy, Coote and the Mitfords. He could have remained in the UK all his life, been a socialite and shone, but he preferred a harder path, to toil where his skills could add value. 

Andrew in Africa

Andrew only returned to the UK when his own health failed him – he contracted TB and was too unwell to work. He was granted an OBE for his services to Africa but had no pension or savings to support him (he had lost his life savings in Uganda), so he lived with his mother and, when she died, he moved to Somerset to be near his sisters (one of whom is my mother). As many of you know, my mother is currently unwell. I suppose part of my wishing to go to Uganda is to complete the circle. Andrew was my godfather as well as my uncle and I would like to do something worthy of his memory. Uncle Andrew died in my mother’s arms whilst she sang to him the lullaby their mother had sung to them as children. 

A picture of Andrew and my mother

He had no offspring of his own, he never married, but he cared. The theme of children and leaving a lasting legacy is strong – like one of his precious Makonde “Tree of Life” carvings, I wish to be part of a community working together to ensure survival and success for the generations to come. 

I would be very grateful for your support.

A Path to Compassion - Day 51

Day 51 (20th January 2015)

51% is the minimum maize content in Bourbon Whiskey

(with the other grains usually being a mixture of Rye and Malt).
Most distillers use 65-75% "corn" hence the sweet taste.

It must begin ageing in charred oak barrels (for colour & flavour) 

at no more than 125 proof and be bottled between 80 and 160 proof.

Un-aged Bourbon is called White Dog.

There are more barrels of Bourbon than people in Kentucky.

Illustration - 19th Century Bourbon bottle

Today's post is by Janice Howitt - a wonderful lady whom I met when we were colleagues in Edinburgh in 2011.  Janice is an experienced Senior HR Manager at RBS. When I was with her she worked formidable hours and some colleagues were slightly intimidated by her. She is a strong character and has a quick wit. We forged a friendship and remained in touch when I left. I have immense admiration for the way in which Janice has coped with the trails of the past two years. This is her first ever blog. She read others' posts that I had linked on Facebook and decided to contribute. In her piece below she is making a public pledge that many of us would do well to emulate.

***************************************************************

Compassion  can be defined as the  emotion  that one feels in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help. Nowhere has this been more evident than in recent days in my wonderful dear city of Glasgow. The bin lorry tragedy followed so recently after the Clutha Bar tragedy, bookending two festive periods, has left the city with a dreadful sense of loss and questioning why. And yet what we have seen in Glasgow are human beings showing and demonstrating real compassion in such terrible events. 

Clutha disaster - police helicopter crash, November 29th 2013

The bin lorry crash resonated so deeply with us all for three reasons; firstly, an incident so near Christmas causing death, injury and emotional distress is always tragic, secondly Glasgow and its people suffering again from what could be described as an act of God so soon after Clutha has felt unjust, and thirdly, it happened in a busy shopping and commuting area of Glasgow where any one of us may have been that day, had fate shared a different hand. 

View down Queen Street towards George Square, Glasgow
shortly after bin lorry crash, 22nd December 2014

What was witnessed was truly awful and yet people helped in their droves, treating the injured, closing eyes of the dead and supporting other human beings in their time of need. 

Glaswegian compassion
Floral tributes and messages for the victims of the crash in George Square

Today a vigil at the first of the crash sites attracted more than 1000 people, each joined in grief, compassion and a unified desire to help others. 

Glasgow vigil, Sunday 28th December 2014

This is the city I know, the people I love and the spirit I am proud of. Prayers and thoughts are with those affected directly or indirectly by these events and I am hopeful that over time, these people can heal and recover.

I Wish I was In Glasgow -sung by Iain MacKintosh, composed by Billy Connolly

This recent tragedy, and the reaction of normal people, has motivated me to engage differently with my own emotional responses to compassion going forwards. Too often, I am motivated to help others in response to my emotions, but I choose not to. I am realistic - I know that I will never give my life up to go and volunteer to help stop the spread of Ebola, and perhaps I don't need to, but too often life gets in the way and the smaller, less material things, which I could do to help others, get brushed aside. The people who lose out are those I have emotionally responded to, but then done nothing for. 

In the latter part of 2013 I contracted Septicaemia, given only a 20% chance of survival and recovered. 2014 has consequently been a year of recuperation, with long periods off work and the isolation associated with this, the discovery of true friendship, the divorce of some other friendships and learning to adjust to a different pace of life. I have however been given a gift that I truly cherish: I have learnt to properly balance my work and personal life, am significantly less stressed, I now have a perspective I have never had and an inner peace that only comes with facing death, choosing life and valuing family and friendships. 

Perhaps it has also been this life changing event that has engendered in me a desire to be more compassionate to others and try to actively and passionately help others. 

Perhaps it was always there but life, work, and exhaustion gave me neither the clarity or desire to change from FEELING compassionate of others and events, to ACTING also on these emotions. 

Proactive Compassion
Generosity Bestowing Her Gifts, by Giovanni Battista, 1734

And so, I am committed in 2015 to "pay it forward", choosing carefully the events, occasions or people I will not just desire to help, but ACTUALLY help.

These will not be monumental actions such as responding to Ebola or War but neither will they be the easy choices, such as always donating money. These will be the choices that require time, courage, commitment and consistency of response from me and I hope, by taking this approach, I can do a little to help others. Glasgow as a city and a population will continue to support those affected by recent events, show and demonstrate compassion well beyond 2014 and I too will now step up and do more to help others.

Providing a helping hand

My questions to you are: 

"Do you feel, do you act, do you walk by, do you care?" 

and 

"What if it were you who needed help and support, who would be there for you?" 

One act, one time, one event, one person, is all it takes.......

The Good Samaritan by Honoré Daumier ,1828
Burrell Collection, Glasgow