Here. Now. - Day 8

Day 8 (Saturday 8th December)

Eight is a rowing class recognised by the International Rowing Federation and is the
term for a rowing boat, propelled by eight oarsmen and steered by a cox, used in competitive sports.
Rowing started as a means of transport and progressed into a sport - its modern form was developed
in England in the 1700s. It is an amateur sport and an Olympic event. When Pierre de Coubertin
created the Modern Olympics, he modelled the International Olympic Committee on the
Henley Stewards. The stewards organise the Henley Royal Regatta, one of rowing's most prestigious events.
I was Captain and stroke of our crew at University but have also rowed bow and been a cox.

Normal service is slowly resuming at my end and as a result I am delighted to commence posting Advent Blogs that have been crafted specifically for us for this year. And what a cracker today is - especially for me, as it shows that there is light ahead and that emotional objectives can be achieved. I am grateful to people who have been so understanding to me in my current dejection. I am not ready to share on here as the situation I find myself in is not about me but hurts those I love and care about. Perhaps this is why I love today's post so much - it is all about love, emotions, self-awareness and finding happiness and contentment.. 

It is my good fortune that is the first blog I received for the 2018 season - as you know, the theme for this year is "Heartaches, Hopes and High Fives". It is an honest piece of self-reflection and an enjoyable read. I suspect that its words will resonate with many of us and I hope it raises a smile. Its author is Phil Marsland who, after a very successful career in HR, now runs a Leadership and HR consultancy, Blue Tree. Over the years I have got to know Phil - he is pragmatic and values driven with a dry sense of humour. He is active on social media, particularly Twitter where he tweets under his own name @FulfordPhil and also under his business' @BlueTreePhil. Phil is 

supportive and caring and does much to promote the HR profession 

as a mentor and speaker. 

He founded ConnectingHR York in 2015 and it is a thriving a vibrant 

community.

As well as his passion for people, Phil loves music (and by love I really do mean love - it is his third space). He is also a keen fan of Manchester City Football Club. Although, perhaps the thing that drives Phil most (other than his devotion for his family) is his love of learning.

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I normally write when emotions are high. The words just pour out, often getting published unedited, unexpurgated.

The process for this year's Advent blog has been harder.

I've been thinking about why that is, and I think I know.

I'm currently calmer, happier, possibly the happiest I've ever been since I got keys, responsibilities and bills.

Here's the kicker. It won't stay like that. It never does. I've always fluctuated, wobbled, rocked. Been forever in search of balance. Getting stuff wrong.

Prioritising work - whatever the hell that is?! - over family. Getting too attached to work, and people there. Too emotional, too passionate, too irrational and unreasonable. It's probably just me. Probably just how I am. I have peaks and troughs.

I have peaked at various things. Got really really good, then a bit bored, then look for something else. Don't get me wrong, I've never been world class at anything. But I've won stuff, captained teams, won tournaments, won cruises.

I think flow works for me as a wave. My peaks are better than most people. I excel at focus and intensity and real insight. But I can't hold it there, I have to crash down. Slump in my music room with a beer. Reflecting. Recovering.

It's taken me a half century of actual years, and probably a few decades less in conscious years to realise this stuff about me.

In the intervening haphazard-stumbling through life, I have coped less well. Been sharp verbally, been uncompromising, unreasonable. Pushed folk away. Felt lost, felt lonely. And wanted people and contact.

So 'Happy' is something of an undiscovered country for me, until recently.

10 years ago I set myself 3 objectives:

• to be happy
• for Chris to be happy
• for the kids to be happy and have rewarding and fulfilling childhoods and the best possible start in life

We've got there... through risk and uncertainty.

And now I want for nothing. Not fancy clothes, possessions or holidays. I've done all that. For me, I don't want anything more. And in this state I'm loving music, mates, family time, footy and a beer or two. All of this is gravy.

And we all know that Northern boys love gravy.

PS this is the first draft, unedited.

Filling hollows

Day 30 (Friday 30th December 2016)

30 and 35 times the mass of the sun were the sizes of the two 

black holes that were observed merging in June 2016 (and making a 

feeble bird-like cheap when doing so, when the gravitational waves produced, 

as they spiralled ever closer and then combined, were converted into sound waves). 

This momentous discovery demonstrates Einstein's prediction that spacetime can ripple 

and verifies astrophysicists' calculations for how black holes can fuse). 

This has been hailed by many scientists as the greatest scientific finding of 2016.

I love the lull before the New Year - a chance to reflect and plan, even when you have to be back at work during the few days between festivities. Today's post by Mark Hendy might help you to reconsider your life and whether you have the right focus and priorities. Mark is an inspirational and proud proud Welshman. He lives in south east Wales in an area that for centuries has been famous for iron and coal. Mark is a respected HR professional - he started as in HR at Tata Steel before taking on various roles in a range of companies and industries, predominantly in the UK, but with stints in North America. He cares about HR and its role in enhancing individuals and organisations, which inspired him to found and now chair the South Wales HR Forum.

When not focussing on HR, leadership and change management (he is a strong advocate of Authentic Leadership and the value of Evidence-based HR/Evidence-based management), he can be found being a great dad to young Oscar, cheering on or ranting about Swansea FC, boxing or playing music. He is an accomplished guitar player and member of a band. He is quick witted (can be quite sharp) and a writes an interesting, HR focused blog - Hendys HR Blog, as well as being active on Twitter (his handle is @markSWHRF). I'm sure he'd love to hear from you.

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Filling hollows 

I’ve always anticipated a career being some sort of progressive, transcending elevation following the traditional routes, taking the anticipated hits of responsibility, occasional discomfort and situational stress with the obvious benefits of job satisfaction, excitement and salary enhancement. That’s how the last 15 years in HR has been for me and I’m extremely grateful and dare I say it, proud of what I’ve achieved.

I reflected this year on where I was at. Career-wise it was at ‘Head of HR’ level, managing a team of HR Managers, delivering strategic work and, I felt, making a real difference. That’s the ‘Heights’ elements of this. I felt I was “almost there” career-wise for where I aspired to be, but it was coming at a price and I didn’t like it. Things just didn’t feel right, and I guess that's the ‘hollow’. 

My role at the time, along with feedback from a CIPD membership upgrade had made me realise that I had some gaps, particularly in OD where I needed to strengthen my experience. I also missed the heavy industry environments that I had spent most of my career working in, more so than I thought I would when I stepped out of that world. I was no longer convinced that I could plug those professional gaps that I needed to in my role at the time, despite working for a great organisation with fantastic people. It was a huge and extremely difficult personal decision but I needed to move on, step out of that career path that had served me well for the last 15 years and find a role that was going to help me plug those gaps. And that new role, for the first time in my career, was not going to be an “upwards move” as I often heard people say in the corporate world.

But what was more important than this, was I wanted to be home more. My previous role had me all around the country with regular overnight stays in soulless hotels, with minimal interaction with anybody. Meanwhile at home, was my wife and my son. A 2 year old, growing up so quickly, often enquiring where I was (thank goodness for FaceTime by the way). When I wasn’t away from home, I worked in the capital, often getting home 30-60 minutes before my son’s bed time. 

When people asked me how old my son was, they often followed up with “make the most of those early years, they go so quickly, the children grow up so fast.” So far that seems factually (if not literally) correct. I knew things had to change. 

And so fast forward 6 months. I’ve found the job I needed. I’ve started to plug those gaps and It’s filling that hollow. 

I no longer work in the city and I get to spend a lot more time with my family (i’m not bragging, but I’m home by 2pm on a Friday!). 

A great reason to get home by 2.00pm

I needed the change, it was made possible, and I feel infinitely better because of it, despite my initial reservations about how it might affect my career progression. Professionally and personally, sometimes you just have to listen to your heart. The heights can wait.  

A voice from the hollow, looking up with hope

Day 16 (Friday 16th December 2016)

16 years - the length of time it took to construct the 

Gotthard Base Tunnel in Switzerland, opened on 1st June 2016

It is the world's longest and deepest railway tunnel

(35.4 miles in length and 7,545 feet below the surface). It has 

cut an hour off the journey time from Zurich to Milan.

Have you noticed that there are some themes amongst the blogs in this year's series? There is no doubt that 2016 has been a very challenging year for a number of us. The below piece by Phil Marsland is a very honest reflection. Yes there have been heights, but the pain of the hollows is almost palpable. However, his post is not bleak... 

Phil himself is warm and engaging. He is based in York in the north of England and he is a loving partner and father as well as caring for the people around him. He is an active member of the HR social media community and founded ConnectingHRYork in 2015. You can follow him on Twitter (his handle is @FulfordPhil). He is knowledgable and inspires confidence, but at the same time he is very pragmatic and comes across as humble and human - you can get a feel for this in his blog - FulfordPhil - 'don't call me HR, call me Phil'. Phil has worked in HR for many years, most recently as the Head of HR, Talent and Resourcing for the Portakabin Group. He is now seeking his next challenge. If you, or someone you know is seeking a strategically minded, highly capable and proven to be effective HR expert, Phil may be your man.

As well as his passion for people, Phil loves music (he has rediscovered his vinyl and has established a hashtag for music lovers #fridaynightmusicroom that is shared on Twitter). He is also a keen fan of Manchester City Football Club. Perhaps the thing that drives Phil most (other than his devotion for his family) is his love of learning.

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A voice from the hollow, looking up with hope 

It's been an extraordinary year. Of heights, hearts and hollows. Just a list captures this: Trump, Brexit, Bowie, Team GB, Andy Murray, Children in Need, Syria, ConnectingHR Africa. I will write few other words. You all have your own thoughts.

Credit: @christhebarker

Some of the words I did write though included "Oh no. Starman", "America, what have you done?" and "Let's go, Mo!"

And this stuff has provided an extraordinary swirl of emotions during my 50th year on this swirling blue marble - a tiny dot, on a tiny dot, in the infinite.

I don't know if it has helped with context, or provided blinding light enhancement on my own heights and hollows.

For me, I've completed 50 new tasks or experiences in my 50th year #50x50. Too many to list here (they're on my blog site if you want to read and see them https://fulfordphil.wordpress.com) but including volunteering, professional recognition, heavy metal concerts, seafood adventures, reconnecting with my vinyl, driving down Highway One, and delighting in helping my girl smash her 'A levels' and getting her to University. Plenty and plenty and plenty of heights.

But the hollows have been awful. Having a terrible time at work being terrible about the home, losing my job, my status, and close relationships, and seeing the world take a sharp right-hand turn. I feel sick just writing this. A sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. A bad taste in my mouth.

And it's taking some time to come round from the extremes of emotions. But there is always hope. Hope for better. And I've spent more time with those that really really matter. Been there for them, rather than absent. And my heart feels better. My head calmer. My face more smiley.

Phil Marsland‏@FulfordPhil

Job search/interview prep/self employed contemplation - helped by #TheWho #fridaynightmusicroom #cipdACE16

And as a society, a country, we have to go forward with hope. We can't give in to fear and hate and vitriol. It's hard and it's going to take some time, but our kids are the hope. They are more calm, more reasonable and they will be here when we're gone. So there is hope. And maybe, because we brought them up, just maybe we haven't done such a bad job after all.

A New Star

Day 38 (Thursday 7th January 2016)

38 is often referred to as "Triple Prosperity" in Chinese culture.
Both the number "3" and "8" are viewed as auspicious - number 3 sounds similar
to the character for "birth" and number 8 resembles the word for "prosper" or "wealth".
Illustration - Chinese 3 coin earrings representing triple prosperity

Today's very personal and inspiring post is by Laura Codling an Organisational Development Business Partner at Torus, based in Manchester, UK. You can follow Laura on Twitter (her handle is @Laura_Torus). On graduating in HR Management and Accounting at Bolton, Laura commenced her HR career with the Police in Manchester, before transferring into a project management role in HR within Bolton Council's Adult Disability Services department. She left the public sector in 2008, moving into not-for-profit; she joined Helena Partnerships, developers and providers of affordable housing. She moved again last October to Torus (a new name within the affordable homes sector). Laura was born on Valetine's Day. She has a powerful moral compass and loves the challenges of working in an environment that stretches her and where she is helping make the world a better place. She has a passion for learning and a fascination with effecting positive change.

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This blog, whilst a little self indulgent (its about my experiences after all!), is hopefully a timely reminder to all of us about appreciation and living in the present. You may read this and not be able to relate to what I'm saying, but I'd like to think that everyone can take away something, even if it only serves to remind you that you already cherish the events and people that are in your life.

When you strive for goals it's easy to forget that the journey holds its own experiences and memories and sometimes we forget to appreciate it along the way. It sounds like common sense doesn't it?

I've heard it said many times, but it's one of those things that usually only hits home when a life event stops you in your tracks and you reflect back. The benefits of hindsight are immense.

I have always been a bit of a perfectionist wanting everything to be "just so" with boxes ticked, I's dotted and T's crossed. I have always labelled it as being "determined and driven", but you can get to the point where you are so focussed on the goal that you forget to enjoy the journey and appreciate the experience of where you have been, where you are now and where you are going.

I'll give you an example.....When I finished work for maternity leave to have my first child I was really anxious about being off work - would things be done how I do them?; would the managers I supported get the support they expected.....? I actually worried about whether they would cope without me! (No seriously I did - this wasn't about me having an inflated sense of what I contribute, but about me needing to feel that I mattered.)

I didn't spend days at home waiting for her arrival wondering what was happening at work, but that is only because she arrived the day before I was due to finish work! I went from one busy existence to another in less than 24 hours and I soon realised that a shift in focus was a good thing for me on so many levels.....and, you know what? I didn't obsess about being off, and work didn't fall apart!

We can become so immersed in our own part of the world that perspective can become skewed and small things can become international disasters. I had been so focused up to that point on my career that I couldn't see outside of it, which is pretty sad to think when I look back now.

Still Life and Street, 1937, Escher's 1st print of distorted perspective

Now, after a few massive events in my life including another period of maternity leave, I have to say my outlook is very different, but this was probably the first time I stopped and thought long and hard about what really mattered to me.

Up until that point, if you'd asked me who inspired me in life I would probably have picked some pretty obvious names - Sheryl Sandberg, Richard Branson - but, not wanting to take anything away from what they have achieved in their careers, I've come to realise that inspiration can be found closer to home and people close to you can have a far more profound impact than someone that you may never meet.

Circle of Calm painting by Katie Berggren

My inspiration now comes from a small group of people far closer to home and one little girl in particular. Georgia is my niece and the bravest person I know. At 9 years old she has gone through more on this earth than any one of us will go through in our lifetimes, battling cancer for the last 4 years. She fought hard to beat the odds, always with a smile on her face, a sparkle in her eye and you would never hear her complain. She took every day as it came, faced unimaginable obstacles and appreciated everything and everyone around her.

I should also point out that I am in awe of her mum (my sister); Georgia was, and always will be, the centre of her world and she has worked tirelessly. She has bravery, care and resilience by the bucket load.

Our hearts have been broken, we said "au revoir" to our gorgeous Georgia a few days before Christmas, after her brave and courageous fight and we will be led by the bravest lady I know. I am proud to say I'm related to them both and, if I have even a fraction of the courage and resilience they have had, then I'm good.

I no longer focus ahead at the goal so much, yes the goals I have for my life are still there (very definitely adjusted from the goals of 5 or 6 years ago) but it's much more about the journey, the experiences and the people along the way.

Blazing a trail is great but missing out on seeing the events, experiences and people that have been part of creating it and appreciating the journey would be such a shame wouldn't it?

What is this life? - Day 49

Day 49 (18th January 2015)

49 - the number of days Siddhartha (the founder of Buddhism) sat under
the Bodhi tree before attaining enlightenment.
Above image - The Enlightenment (2nd Century BCE) - a fine example of 
Gandhāran carving - part of the Silk Road transmission of Buddhism.

Today's piece is by a wonderful lady, Katharine Bourke, who was a former colleague of mine over 20 years ago. I have very fond memories of our times together during the pioneering days of the recruitment industry. She stood out from the crowd for being ethical, honest, proactive and quick, without any hard-sell. She was very good at her job. We renewed contact through Twitter in 2014 (her handle is @katharinebourke). We met in London, but Katharine is a country girl at heart (she was born on a farm on Dartmoor). She now lives and works in Devon and Cornwall, looking after her family and helping local businesses thrive (she is a business growth specialist and takes delight in helping organisations and people to achieve their true potential).

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When Kate invited me to write for this blog, she mentioned the story I told earlier in the year about Pirate Joe. 'Pirate Joe' was my attempt to engage two typically boisterous children (aged 2 and 4) in spending a quiet moment sitting looking out to sea, so that we could catch our breaths during whole days spent together at the beach, when they were little. 

Rock Beach, Cornwall, UK

There were always stories to tell, often collaboratively, based around the little yacht with the red sails which was sailed by 'Pirate Joe'. It usually involved consideration of where the boat was going, what it was doing, and who was on board. To this day (they're both teenagers now) if I mention 'Pirate Joe' they still remember the story of Pirate Joe, even if they don’t remember all that much about those moments by the sea. Moments which I will always treasure and which made me first recognise the power of storytelling.

The picture above of that little boat with the red sails was taken on July 16th 2014, which would have been my father’s 88th birthday. Having booked the day off to spend it with my Mum, we took the opportunity to head across to Rock in Cornwall to visit St Enodoc’s Church and in particular Sir John Betjemen’s grave, somewhere she’s always wanted to visit. In the process we came across a beautiful poem which had been put there in Sir John’s memory and which read:

30th Anniversary 19th May 2014

If you can look for a silver lining,So that others around may see,And you show them the sun is shining,You’re the fellow for me
We shall arise from the times of sorrow, To a world as it ought to be,Lend a hand for the new tomorrow,And you’re the fellow for me.

Written by the late Ralph Reader CBE (1907 – 1981)

So, in the spirit of storytelling and with 2015 upon us, I would like to share with you what was possibly the most profound experience of 2014 for me. And even thinking about it now brings me to tears – in a good way! 

I received some information about a Zen Leadership course being held at Sharpham House in Devon. The place and the subject resonated with me so powerfully I decided that I had to take time for it and booked myself a place.

To spend three days learning about Zen Leadership, including learning how to ‘sit’ Zazen style, in silence, eyes open and without moving was a powerful experience for me. I have enjoyed learning about mindfulness and have meditated off and on for many years, but never with my eyes open and never all that regularly. On the second day, as the first morning meditation started at 6am I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. 

Tears poured down my face, I wept, and amidst all the chaos going on in my head, I managed to keep it to myself. Seemingly no one noticed. I was silent, unmoving, not even raising a hand to wipe tears from my cheeks. Quietly observing the tears running down my face, keeping still, and focusing on my breathing. Counting 1, 2, 3 and on up to 10 with each breath. Then back to 1 again.

For 45 minutes I managed to keep that to myself, finding myself back in the room aware of my wet face, then observing so many thoughts flitting past and which the counting enabled me to dismiss so that I could return to that peaceful, quiet, place in my mind. The wooden blocks that signalled the end of the meditation brought me back into the room in more ways than one and I know I moved pretty fast out through the door beside me to wash my face before returning to the next session!

Before you ask, I do know what was behind that powerful surge of emotion, a part of which is to do with allowing my work life to take over my personal life, and constantly feeling frustrated at not having enough time and always feeling like I’m either wading through treacle or just running to stand still. I love my work but it is all consuming, I’d lost my enthusiasm for cooking, I was not exercising regularly, and I was definitely not taking any time for myself in the midst of being a working mother with a husband who works away a lot, teenage children, and an elderly Mum who is in need of support and who often takes priority over my children, not to mention my dear husband!

And it’s not that I’m unaware of my emotions. I’m one of the many people who will cry when there is a sad news story, I often shed a tear when I hear stories of personal sadness or tragedy, as well as stories that I find touching, heartwarming. I’m very comfortable with my emotions now, which I’ve realised quite probably goes back to the day when I was presenting my strategic plan to the directors of the company I used to work for in Oxford, and when challenged on something that I really cared passionately about, I burst into tears. The first time I’d done that in business. At the time I suggested that it was because I was 6 months pregnant and emotional, but on reflection I think there was more to it than that!

Since that weekend, things have changed. I made myself a promise, that I would keep an hour a day for myself. And surprising myself, I have kept to it much better than I’d expected. Mostly an hour at the beginning of the day, often a short (15 minute) Zazen meditation followed by a walk, or an hour spent on my ‘shenanigans’ – the only possible word to describe my version of a daily run which is more like 80s-style aerobics in a straight line, where it is all about the music!

Dawn Zazen, by artist, poet & potter Lawrence Barrow

Several of us on the course observed that we rarely keep the promises we make to ourselves. Since the course, I have found that I have been much more consistent with taking that time for myself in a day. It enables me to clear my head and focus on those things I need to do that day which are the most important. I certainly notice the days when I don’t make time to ‘sit’ at the start of my day and if the pace of the day gets too much (that feeling of having so much to do that you really don’t know where to start?), I will take a few minutes to reframe what is going on around me.  And those few minutes are usually the best possible investment I’ve found.

Sharpham view through the autumn leaves

I am so very grateful for the shared experience of the course at Sharpham. It has provided me with much needed head space to reflect on what it is that is important to me. The challenge I’m setting myself for 2015 is to harness the energy I have and the connections that I have been fortunate to make along this path to rebalance my life and enable me to support the businesses in my community that it is such a privilege to spend my working time with.

View from Sharpham window

With that thought I’d like to leave you with this poem which my wonderful grandmother introduced me to many years ago. Seems apt for my experiences in 2014, and will be a focus for my 2015.

Leisure by William Henry Davies (1871 – 1940)

What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

 Reflections at Devil's Point

Louis Armstrong singing What A Wonderful World