The Art of Encouragement - Day 15

Saturday 15th December 2018

15 is the magic constant in a Magic Square. The first Magic Square was known to and
written about by Chinese mathematicians. Legends dating from as early as 650 BC tell the
story of the Lo Shu (洛书) or "scroll of the river Lo".^[11] According to the legend, there was
at one time in ancient China a huge flood. While the great king Yu was trying to channel the
water out to sea, a turtle emerged from it with a curious pattern on its shell: a 3×3 grid
in which circular dots of numbers were arranged, such that the sum of the numbers in each row,
column and diagonal was the same: 15. According to the legend, thereafter people were able
to use this pattern in a certain way to control the river and protect themselves from floods.
It is used today for Feng Shui

As you read this I will be driving south through freezing rain, snow flurries and high winds, bringing my youngest son home for the holidays...and I will be grinning. I love being a mother. The writer of today's post is a renowned, loving parent and husband, a supportive and caring friend/colleague and a huge influence on the global HR community - Steve Browne. I always love his Advent Blog posts - they zing with positivity and good advice.

For the past 12 years Steve has worked for LaRosa's Inc - Ohio's leading pizzeria business and a regional restaurant chain that has grown significantly over the past 60 years. Steve is the Vice President of HR. He has worked as an HR professional for over 25 years and has gained experience in Professional Services, Manufacturing and Consumer Products in addition to Hospitality and Leisure.

Steve is an active leader in the SHRM (Society for Human Resource Management) in the USA - and was elected to serve as a Director on the Board in 2016. He blogs both for the Society (SHRM Blog) and also on his own site Everyday People, as well as tirelessly communicating with HR professionals and interested parties around the world. His enthusiasm is infectious. I strongly recommend that you follow him on Twitter (his handle is @SBrowneHR) if you have not already done so.

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I am a wildly passionate and positive human !! This is how I entered the world, and I am sure it’s how I’ll leave it someday. It’s intriguing to me that being positive is viewed as being an outlier in today’s climate. I’ve often heard it said that – “Positive people piss people off.” We want others to wallow, grouse and suffer because we feel that our negativity is our common bond.

How sad is that?

Seriously. How sad is that?

Now, please don’t think that I ignore the struggles of others. I work in Human Resources (on purpose) and I swim in the sea of humanity on a daily basis. 

The vast majority of every day at work is filled with darkness and dread. Regardless of the extent of a person’s circumstances, they feel that NO ONE has it as difficult as them. This myopic view of daily existence is so debilitating that it’s hard to adequately capture it in words. Using phrases like “It will be okay” or “Hang in there” ring hollow when someone feels buried or consumed by their situation.

There is one approach though that can ring true and break through any level of heartache. That is the art of encouragement. It truly is an art because to do it requires a few components in order for it to have its full effect.

BE GENUINE

No one likes a fake. This is true with people from all walks of life and occupation. We tend to gauge this on those who have a public or political presence. But, being fake never works for any person. What’s unique about this facet of encouragement is that “being genuine” is determined by others in how they see you behave. This can’t be self-proclaimed.

Genuine people are like magnets. They attract others and people find genuine folks easy to be around. Also, genuine people speak from the heart, and that is key to the art of encouragement.

BE CONSISTENT

Encouragement is needed everywhere. It can’t only be doled out to those with whom you feel closest or most comfortable. It’s not a show. It’s a foundational block for interactions and eventually relationships. Being consistent in anything takes practice and discipline in order for it to become natural in how you approach others. Trust me when I say that it is worth your time and effort to consistently encourage.

BE WILLING

This probably should be the first point, but I listed it third because I don’t want people to become encouragers out of obligation. This isn’t a “guilt” thing with me. Encouragement is an art because people who are willing are observant. They’ll take the time to intentionally maintain eye contact with strangers as they pass through a crowd. They’ll naturally thank a server in a restaurant for taking care of them. They’ll make sure to genuinely return the greeting of those in retail whose job it is to greet. They won’t walk past them. Willing people notice people on purpose !!

This year’s Advent series listed Hope and High-Fives as two of the three components. I know that Heartaches was also listed, but I find encouragement even in the most dire circumstances. It’s true. I know I’m an outlier and I’m very comfortable with that.

My hope is that this season you start living every day as a constant, visible “high-five” for those who you encounter. You never know. You may be the ONE thing that gives light and encouragement to someone where no one else has. That alone gives me joy. So, pick up your palette and brushes. Use the canvas of life to begin your own art of encouragement !!

Bring Me Sunshine by Morcambe and Wise

Katrina and The Waves singing "Walking on Sunshine"

Life in Chiaroscuro - Day 52

Day 52 (Sunday 21st January 2018)

52 - the age at which Harry Houdini died - by this time he had amazed and baffled people
in much of Europe, Russia and the U.S.A. On 21st January 1903 he escaped Halvemaansteeg
police station in Amsterdam. 1903 was the year when Houdini really became an icon - he was
already known for being good at escaping handcuffs but he now began to make a name
for breaking out of jails. he also managed to break into a safe for a Moscow locksmith
(who had been trying to do so for 14 years) revealing a treasure trove of jewels and
earning Houdini $750 for 9 hours work (a significant sum at the time).

Today is my husband's birthday and we are going out for a family lunch. His mother is coming to celebrate with us. She is finding life without her husband very hard. Death is, in so many ways, so painful for those of us left behind.

The post you read today is by Jacqueline Davies. It is open, honest and at times a painful read (as well as being the second post in a row with a wonderful poem  written by the contributor). Jacqueline says much about herself below, so I will only say a few words... Some of you may remember Jacqueline's Call To Arms in the final post of last year's series. At the time of writing last year she was the Master of the Guild of Human Resource Professionals (@GuildHRprofs) and the first openly lesbian Master of any City of London Guild. She was also the HR Director for the FCA (the regulatory body for much of the Financial Services industry) - a huge and demanding role. In her post she made a statement of the role of HR that has resonated with me this year, we need to be:

"standard bearers for the best of what it means to be human. To hold ourselves and others to account and to be provocative when we see integrity or conduct threatened."

I genuinely believe that HR as a profession is in the best position I have ever known it to be in. Increasingly leaders, colleagues, clients and the communities in which we work are becoming aware of the importance of culture and conduct. That does not mean we should be complacent or smug - someone in HR clearly turned a blind eye to inappropriate behaviour in Miramax when Harvey Weinstein was at his most predatory. We need HR to be the moral compass (it is no coincidence that a compass is the symbol of the HR Guild here in the UK) and to ask the difficult questions. Since leaving the FCA Jacqueline has teamed up with Tania in their own business consultancy and I think you can tell from its name that she will not be shrinking from facing things head-on - Audacity Associates. In addition, she is an advisor to the Henley Business School, a Governor of Middlesex University and Chair of the National Skills Academy for Financial Services. You can connect with her on social media - her Twitter handle is @JacquelineLD.

The beautiful Chiaroscuro paintings and photographs used to illustrate this piece have all been selected by Jacqueline.

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The Italian’s use the term Chiaroscuro to describe scenes painted in ‘light-dark’, how tonal contrasts are created to provide shape, show character and tell stories.

Life in Chiaroscuro

Seven years ago my mother died. More precisely, I gave my consent for her life support to be switched off, then she died. This decision has weighed heavily with me, replaying while I wait for sleep and returning at dawn before I can crowd it out with plans for the day. This isn’t a post about grief, it’s a post about how we can re-mix the colours on our palette to make sense of living with both darkness and dawn. How I’ve learned that a ‘Chiaroscuro filter’ can distinguish the things that matter from the beautiful, daily distractions that fill our life’s canvas.

You see I lost my Mum some thirty years earlier. She disappeared inside a black cloak of depression. Up-to this point, she loved us unconditionally and taught us how to love back. As we progressed though high school, quite suddenly everything changed. She was unable to go out, unable to get up and when she did was so heavily medicated that when we looked into her eyes we couldn’t find her. This would mean returning from school never knowing if she would be in the kitchen or in bed or if the paracetamol packets would be empty. My father, a steelworker worked around the clock. My younger sister and I found coping strategies. I had wanted to be a painter, but being the oldest, I took charge and I followed my father’s lead; I dropped Art, working relentlessly until I could flee to university. I didn’t stop; travelling like a train through a tunnel, on and on while decades flashed by through the half-light.

The Young Singer by Georges de La Tour

Then, just before I turned 40, the same age Mum was when she became ill, I sat in the hospital, holding her hand and let her go. Just a year before, I had become a Mum and the wonder of holding a new life while letting another go, meant that even the most brilliant moments were outlined by loss.

I took a year out from paid work but I didn’t stop. We moved house, I also took on the Chair of a national charity and wrote a book. I then returned to work and ploughed on. Alongside this, becoming ‘THE BEST MUM I CAN POSSIBLY BE’ became my chief preoccupation. As any new parent will tell you, our radiant daughter brought a new type of light into our lives. It was initially, searing, so bright, I had to blink through the first year learning to adjust to the profound joy and then to the greying fear that arrived. Fear of loss, fear of repeated patterns, fear of not knowing what to do next. Learning how to live with this felt like picking glass splinters from my heart.

Madonna and Child with St Anne by Caravaggio (c1605-6)

Some seven years later, I sat still in a hospital bed watching the sun rise and fall through an oxygen mask. Pneumonia had pressed the pause button on my life. A close friend, shared a conversation with her husband that stopped me in my tracks; ‘your on the top of our list to go first because you’re living faster than anyone else’. In the year that has followed this I’ve stopped permanent work and started painting again. I’m learning to slow down, middle age is helping. I’m learning to look, to see darkness and dawn as an artist might. Noticing the line and shadow in the everyday and being able to distinguish what really matters and to teach this art to my daughter.

Photograph of an apple by Jimmy Wen

I wrote this poem to make sense of things.

Three Daughters

After you left us I waited,

Holding your hand until the silence

Holding my breath until

       the sun came up again and I could escape outside

Gulping the new morning air

And watching the circling gulls

       shrieking their songs of loss and longing, high above the hospital car park

I mostly remember your hands

How they put plasters on my grazes

Turned pages at bedtime

       stirred pots, brimming with love

These are my hands now

Life hardened palms

Stretching out to reach my daughter

       to teach her how to hold time

       and when to watch the sky.

Detail from "Rest on the Flight into Egypt" by Caravaggio (c1586)

The Mother Song, written and performed by Andrea Menard

#MyStory - Day 37

Day 37 (Saturday 6th January 2018)

37% of London commuters say that their rail service has deteriorated in the past
year (and 8% say that it has improved). Rail fares have gone up by an average
of 3.4% this month, making the daily commute even more painful. Today is
the end of the line for Christmas (as officially the 12 Days of Christmas end
today with it being Epiphany, the day when the Three Wise Men arrive).
However, the Post-Advent blogs have a few more days to run.

It is my late grandmother's birthday today. I hope I can find a few snowdrops in the garden as a posy to commemorate her (although her favourite flowers were Lilies of the valley that flower a little later in the year). It's the first weekend of January - I hope you find some time for peace and contemplation after the chaos of the past few weeks. Today's excellent post deserves reflection - as you will understand once you have read it. Some of the most engaging and inspirational people that I have had the pleasure of working with are similar to today's author. I count myself as privileged for being able to spend time with them and we achieved some amazing things (and I learned a lot).

Today's post is a brave and guileless piece by Sara Duxbury; she wants to share her story in the hope that it will help others. She has also decided not to be anonymous. Sara is a business psychologist and highly capable coach, working for Carter Corson based in Wilmslow. I first got to know Sara via Twitter (her handle is @SaraJDux). She has a fabulous sense of humour and is highly intelligent and perspicacious - fiercely passionate, honest and commercial. She is genuinely a joy to spend time with and she will make you think. She describes herself as a "northern southerner". She commenced her career in retail and continues to demonstrate edge and flair with a genuine understanding of the importance of customer service.

Sara selected her own illustrations for her piece.

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What if there is only darkness and dawn? #mystory

When I saw this year’s Advent blog theme was darkness and dawn, and reading the other blogs so far talking about journeying between the two, it struck a chord with me. I am bipolar. So for me there is only darkness and dawn, black and white. I don’t understand what the grey middle looks like. I have no idea, because my brain literally doesn’t work like that.

I have actually never said it out loud before. I think it’s because I don’t want to be labelled as being bipolar, and really I think I didn’t want to label myself. But I think it’s time I came out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cArz_HxTYDw

I was always an emotional child. I remember one time after my cousin came to visit for the weekend, I told my mum I’d rather the whole weekend had never happened at all, than deal with the despair at seeing her go home. Any time I got really excited, a low and a stinking headache would follow. My teenage years were spent either being ecstatically happy in my friendships and relationships, or sitting alone in my bedroom, obsessing and crying to sad songs. Getting older I remember my bipolar really coming into its own after my boyfriend committed suicide when I was 20 years old, dealing with everything that came with that only cemented my view of the world as ‘black and white’. My ups and downs became more pronounced. Fast-forward and I remember my husband dreading coming home from work if I’d had a day off on my own, he wouldn’t know if the Sara he left in the morning would be on cloud-9, or in a raging depression.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCBS5EtszYI

The medical definition of bipolar as according to the NHS is “Bipolar is a condition that affects your moods, which can swing from one extreme to another. People with bipolar disorder have periods or episodes of depression, feeling very low and lethargic, and mania, feeling very high and overactive.

For me, it plays out like this:

I am the life and soul. Drop me cold into a room of strangers and I will make friends for life. I will make you feel at ease, I will make you laugh and I will drag you up onto the dance floor first.

My enthusiasm and passion is infectious, I will inspire you to believe in me and what I do. You will admire my drive and my ability to make a difference, you will want me as a leader in your business.

I am hard to be friends with. I am intense. I will expect a lot from you, but then I’ll shut you out. You might even think that sometimes I love you. I’m sorry, it’s just how I am with people.

I will trust you, from the first time I meet you. I will tell you anything and everything about me, believing that you will never use it against me. And I am always surprised if you do.

I’m impulsive. I always look for the adventure, and if there are consequences I won’t consider them, even if It might hurt you.

I have been in debt my entire adult life. I have no concept of money, it’s embarrassing. If I want it, I buy it. Even if I don’t know why I’m buying it.

I have woken up in the morning and wondered how the hell I will leave the house. I try, sometimes it’s ok, sometimes I have considered driving my car into the central reservation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-ybpYfSDXg

So would I rather I was in the middle? No. I would rather be me than you (no offence). My dawns and darknesses make me, me, and I think I am a pretty awesome person. I love my life and my work and I might even change the world one day. Even though my brain fights me daily, I know that I bring joy to people who meet and know me, I know I make them smile, and I know I make a difference by what I do. If that means I have to battle forever in the darkness too, then I’ll take it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_TL02vGQaM

My biggest fear is that by sharing my story, you will judge my behaviour by that bipolar label. If you don’t like something I do, you can just blame the bipolar. You can put me in that tidy box. Well, you won’t have heard me do that in 33 years, so I am hoping you don’t start.

My biggest hope is that by sharing my story, you who are sitting there battling on both sides, or you managing someone with mental health struggles. Look at me and see you CAN be the best version of you, be DAMN good at what you do, and be a bit bat-shit crazy :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOksZ8VogRw

Waiting for the dawn - Day 19

Day 19 (Tuesday 19th December 2017)

19 years ago Cuba lifted its 30-year ban on Christmas.
Fidel Castro declared the government atheist after the coup in 1952 and 
abolished the paid Christmas Day public holiday in 1969 because, he said,
he needed everyone to work on the sugar harvest. Being a Christian festival, 
it should come as no surprise that Christmas is not recognised predominantly in parts 
of the Middle East and Asia. Countries in which Christmas is not a formal public holiday 
include Afghanistan, Algeria, Azerbaijan, Bahrain, Bhutan, Cambodia, China (excepting 
Hong Kong and Macao), Comoros, Iran, Israel, Japan, Kuwait, Laos, Libya, Maldives, 
Mauritania, Mongolia, Morocco, North Korea, Oman, Pakistan, Qatar, Sahrawi Arab Democratic Republic, 
Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Tajikistan, Thailand, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, 
United Arab Emirates, Uzbekistan, Vietnam, and Yemen.

We have our office Christmas Party this evening. Many firms, due to the diverse nature of the workforce now have "Winterval" parties or a "seasonal event", we however, being a long-established UK business, remain traditional. We are off to celebrate in the vaults of Old Billingsgate Market.

Today's piece was a challenging piece to write and some may find it a challenging read. It has been written in the form of "Wild Writing", similar to Free Writing, which, as Wikipedia states, is a "technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, grammar, or topic. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism." Clearly, this piece is usable, but I am sorry to say that the author, despite being determined to write a piece for the series, was unable to produce anything without resorting to this method, as they either rejected or over-stressed about and edited until the piece lost its authenticity. They have asked to present anonymously, although they are aware that people who know them well will recognise them from what they have written.

For reasons that will be obvious after you have read it, I have not interrupted the flow of the words with any illustrations, other than at the start and the end.

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This is the third time I have written my contribution for the Advent blog and this is also the third style I have written it in as there is something that I want to write but I don’t want to write because it is going to mean saying things that I don’t want to say which sounds very confusing as I write it ummmm I’d like to say that it is because I don’t want to say them to the world but that is bollocks the reality is that I don’t want to say it to myself *lets out a massive sigh* this is the darkest year I have experienced in living memory I had a fairly dark one 4 years ago because I made some choices that seemed right but were very wrong and so I made some changes gave sincere apologies and there was quickly a new dawn but this year has felt relentless relentlessly dark I want to call bullshit on myself as there have been wonderful moments elements or aspects of joy but I have had to fight for them and fight really hard at times to find those moments when I feel content when I feel happy............. fighting to be happy that is a whole new thing for me and I’ve had to do it as I have been fighting for most of this year against myself in a way I’ve struggled as I’ve not been able to be me or at least the me that I want to be I have been physically unable to do the things that bring me joy that I enjoy to do things where I can help out and be with others when I can be alone with my 8 count where I can be active and still where I can challenge and be at ease oh I have missed it so so much and now when it is dark I feel the most alone in the darkness fighting for the joy for the dawn but knowing it is only for a fleeting moment before the darkness takes hold again I want to swear A LOT but am choosing not to as as as as as as as I don’t want to be that person that gets shouty angry I know that anger helps me fuels me will get me to a place where the dawn endures I want to use that anger to drive me on not drive me down there is enough doing that already without me adding to it myself I look around and I can see how the darkness that surrounds me is affecting other people too they are having to fight to get some dawn for themselves to get me and try to keep me in the dawn I hate that it affects them too I know why it does and conceptually I get all that but I hate it I hate the way things are I want to be me again please just let me be me again I crave the day I can be me *sigh* when I can be me and so I will sit here in the darkness and I will fight for those moments of joy and I will sit here in the darkness and I will cry for the loss of the moments I treasure and I will sit here in the darkness calling for help and welcoming those people that pull me into the light and I will sit here in the darkness as I know that the darkness will end and I will sit here in the darkness waiting for the dawn waiting for the time when the fighting will ease when I can once again be me