The Noise of Darkness: The Quiet of Dawn - Day 53

Day 53 (Monday 22nd January 2018)

53 years since the launch of TIROS 9, on 22 January 1965. It was the first weather
satellite able to provide pictures of the entire Earth. It orbited around the world
12 times per day and had a camera on each side with a wide-angle views so
every section of the globe could be seen twice per day. It proved a life saver
in 1966 when meteorologists used its real-time pictures in December 1966 to warn
the residents of the Fiji Islands of a rapidly approaching hurricane, providing
them with sufficient time to evacuate. (NB picture not taken by TIROS 9)

Today is the start of a very busy week for me. I feel slightly like it is the lull period before the next onslaught - it was my husband's birthday yesterday, my youngest son's tomorrow and then I have an Executive two-day offsite and an awards event to look forward to before Friday. I hope you have a good week ahead of you.

Today's post is by Perry Timms. I first met Perry when he was still working within corporate HR - he was Head of HR - Talent and OD for the Big Lottery Fund. It feels like a lifetime away, although he has not lost his energy and drive. Perry has run his own business (People and Transformational HR Limited) since August 2012. In October last year his book, Transformational HR: How Human Resources Can Create Value and Impact Business Strategy, was published and he is a well-known writer and orator. Perry is widely recognised as being comfortable speaking out for what he believes in. What is perhaps less well known is that he is sensitive, spends much of his time thinking and feels things deeply.

He cares about HR and its future. Living (and having grown up in) Northampton, he was until last year on the Committee and a former Vice Chair of the Northants CIPD branch. He enjoys socialising (with the right people) and football - he is a Northampton Town football fan. As you will see from the below post, he is passionate about music and is a self-confessed Soulboy. You can follow him on Twitter (his handle is @PerryTimms) or read his blog (on his business site), or his former blog (Adjusted Development). He is eager to connect with those with whom his words and thoughts resonate, and believes that it is possible to change the world..."one conversation at a time".

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There’s a lot of talk of overcoming adversity, triumph and challenge that this marvellous series of blog posts has revealed.  I could sense how important the openness of the personal stories people have written about is both for them and others.  And how this series of posts was hard but necessary for some people to share.  I have quietly applauded all who have written for this. I have occasionally shared and commented on the posts.

And yet I’ve still been troubled somewhat.  A troubling that has been with me since 2016.  Maybe a little before then but amplified by socio-political events of that year and 2017.

I’ve seen the noise of darkness on social networks.  I’ve smelt the rotten decay of angered souls and lost minds.  I’ve felt the vicious attacks and utterly despicable words used by people and thrown like caustic liquid at the social media accounts of others.

Corrosion

In short, social media has developed a wretchedness that I’ve had to work hard at to shield myself from.

Not to shield myself because I want to stay “in the Shire” ignoring the imminent peril from Mordor.  

To shield myself from the feeling of despair that humanity is lost.  To shield myself from experiencing emotional trauma I could do without.  To shield myself from the distractions of false crusades I could never do good from.

I’ve experienced a lot more dark noise from my social networks than I have enlightened joy.  So I’ve withdrawn.  Many will have noticed this, some might have been pleased by this.  Some will wonder why.

It’s because I don’t want to be party to more noise and I want to be choosy about when to shine some light.  So that the light hopefully becomes more valuable, more unexpected and pleasant and has more warmth.

The dark noises would say to me:

“You’re a coward”“You’ve gone cold on us”“You don’t care anymore”“You’re not here for us”“How can you learn if you don’t face that which you disagree with and enter into debate?”“Echo chamber - pah.  You’ve regressed into an adult version of your playground gang”“You have a duty to bring about balance”“Don’t go, we miss you”“So all that evangelising about social networks - it was fake wasn’t it?”

Fuck that.  All of it.

I’ve withdrawn more because I care more. I care more about myself, my sanity and that of those who have come to mean the most to me.

So the light voices will say

“It’s nice when you appear”“I value it because it’s not there so often”“You make me think”“It shows I matter, that’s important to me.  I thought I was just another number in the network”“You seem gentler, more thoughtful, I like this”“Just what I needed right now”“Cuts through the crap”“Different”

And they’re my hopes, and aspirations and wishes and dreams for how I want to be perceived on social networks.  

Not ubiquitous, or constant.  Not reliable or ever present.  Not just there. Not too easily dismissed. Not overplayed.

Not noisy.

I adore a singer called Maxwell.  He came out in 1996 with Urban Hang Suite - one of the most defining soul music albums of the 20th century.  It - and he - were adored and lauded. Championed and extolled.

He followed a couple of years later with the album Embrya. It wasn’t adored - it was different, more esoteric.  

He then released Now, equally, not adored, a return to rootsy gospel soul-funk.

He disappeared for a while.  We missed him.  Then we forgot about him.

Then he came back.  BLACKsummer’s night.  One of the most eagerly awaited returns I can recall.  I loved it.  It still wasn’t Urban Hang Suite - nothing ever will be.  But my goodness did I value his return.  I recalled why I loved Urban Hang Suite and him.  Why I was moved at the concert I saw him perform at the Royal Albert Hall.

I was glad he was back and I was glad he was quiet for a long time.  It gave me time to appreciate him even more.  And he hadn’t returned; he was new, different.  Confident in his new self and his new music.  He followed up again blackSUMMER’S night.  Again, no Urban Hang Suite epoch-type moment, but continued worthy music and writing.

Maxwell resisted the urge to become noise, or disappear completely.  He was choosy.  Circumspect. Wiser. Warmer.

He had peaked at Urban Hang Suite, but that was OK.  We all have that.  

I’m using Urban Hang Suite now as “my finest moment”.  

I’m not going to destroy myself trying to recreate that.  I’m just going to continue to experiment and find my BLACKsummer’s night.  

So we can appreciate each other still. If you want me to keep creating Urban Hang Suites, we might have a problem.

Because there’s loyalty in this too.

Loyalty appears to be when you stick with people even though they haven’t captured that first moment of excitement and bliss, that wow and that spark.  I don’t think you can ever “be” that person again.  You can though continue to have worth and value, merit and impact and appreciate people for that and not what you liked at first.

I’ve seen loyalty and I’ve seen the opposite. I’m OK with it.

If you liked my Urban Hang Suite but haven’t like anything I’ve done since, that’s OK.  We have memories.

If you’ve never even liked my Urban Hang Suite then I hope you still enjoy the Smiths or whatever you’re into.  I didn’t write to please you anyway.

If you liked my Urban Hang Suite and even welcomed my disappearance or quietness and you like my BLACKsummers night “new me”, then that’s why we’re cool with each other.

For Dark isn’t a colour to me - it’s noise, coldness and rejection.

Dawn is musicality, warmth and welcoming.

Thank you Kate, all other authors in this series and thank you Maxwell.

#MyStory - Day 37

Day 37 (Saturday 6th January 2018)

37% of London commuters say that their rail service has deteriorated in the past
year (and 8% say that it has improved). Rail fares have gone up by an average
of 3.4% this month, making the daily commute even more painful. Today is
the end of the line for Christmas (as officially the 12 Days of Christmas end
today with it being Epiphany, the day when the Three Wise Men arrive).
However, the Post-Advent blogs have a few more days to run.

It is my late grandmother's birthday today. I hope I can find a few snowdrops in the garden as a posy to commemorate her (although her favourite flowers were Lilies of the valley that flower a little later in the year). It's the first weekend of January - I hope you find some time for peace and contemplation after the chaos of the past few weeks. Today's excellent post deserves reflection - as you will understand once you have read it. Some of the most engaging and inspirational people that I have had the pleasure of working with are similar to today's author. I count myself as privileged for being able to spend time with them and we achieved some amazing things (and I learned a lot).

Today's post is a brave and guileless piece by Sara Duxbury; she wants to share her story in the hope that it will help others. She has also decided not to be anonymous. Sara is a business psychologist and highly capable coach, working for Carter Corson based in Wilmslow. I first got to know Sara via Twitter (her handle is @SaraJDux). She has a fabulous sense of humour and is highly intelligent and perspicacious - fiercely passionate, honest and commercial. She is genuinely a joy to spend time with and she will make you think. She describes herself as a "northern southerner". She commenced her career in retail and continues to demonstrate edge and flair with a genuine understanding of the importance of customer service.

Sara selected her own illustrations for her piece.

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What if there is only darkness and dawn? #mystory

When I saw this year’s Advent blog theme was darkness and dawn, and reading the other blogs so far talking about journeying between the two, it struck a chord with me. I am bipolar. So for me there is only darkness and dawn, black and white. I don’t understand what the grey middle looks like. I have no idea, because my brain literally doesn’t work like that.

I have actually never said it out loud before. I think it’s because I don’t want to be labelled as being bipolar, and really I think I didn’t want to label myself. But I think it’s time I came out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cArz_HxTYDw

I was always an emotional child. I remember one time after my cousin came to visit for the weekend, I told my mum I’d rather the whole weekend had never happened at all, than deal with the despair at seeing her go home. Any time I got really excited, a low and a stinking headache would follow. My teenage years were spent either being ecstatically happy in my friendships and relationships, or sitting alone in my bedroom, obsessing and crying to sad songs. Getting older I remember my bipolar really coming into its own after my boyfriend committed suicide when I was 20 years old, dealing with everything that came with that only cemented my view of the world as ‘black and white’. My ups and downs became more pronounced. Fast-forward and I remember my husband dreading coming home from work if I’d had a day off on my own, he wouldn’t know if the Sara he left in the morning would be on cloud-9, or in a raging depression.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCBS5EtszYI

The medical definition of bipolar as according to the NHS is “Bipolar is a condition that affects your moods, which can swing from one extreme to another. People with bipolar disorder have periods or episodes of depression, feeling very low and lethargic, and mania, feeling very high and overactive.

For me, it plays out like this:

I am the life and soul. Drop me cold into a room of strangers and I will make friends for life. I will make you feel at ease, I will make you laugh and I will drag you up onto the dance floor first.

My enthusiasm and passion is infectious, I will inspire you to believe in me and what I do. You will admire my drive and my ability to make a difference, you will want me as a leader in your business.

I am hard to be friends with. I am intense. I will expect a lot from you, but then I’ll shut you out. You might even think that sometimes I love you. I’m sorry, it’s just how I am with people.

I will trust you, from the first time I meet you. I will tell you anything and everything about me, believing that you will never use it against me. And I am always surprised if you do.

I’m impulsive. I always look for the adventure, and if there are consequences I won’t consider them, even if It might hurt you.

I have been in debt my entire adult life. I have no concept of money, it’s embarrassing. If I want it, I buy it. Even if I don’t know why I’m buying it.

I have woken up in the morning and wondered how the hell I will leave the house. I try, sometimes it’s ok, sometimes I have considered driving my car into the central reservation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-ybpYfSDXg

So would I rather I was in the middle? No. I would rather be me than you (no offence). My dawns and darknesses make me, me, and I think I am a pretty awesome person. I love my life and my work and I might even change the world one day. Even though my brain fights me daily, I know that I bring joy to people who meet and know me, I know I make them smile, and I know I make a difference by what I do. If that means I have to battle forever in the darkness too, then I’ll take it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_TL02vGQaM

My biggest fear is that by sharing my story, you will judge my behaviour by that bipolar label. If you don’t like something I do, you can just blame the bipolar. You can put me in that tidy box. Well, you won’t have heard me do that in 33 years, so I am hoping you don’t start.

My biggest hope is that by sharing my story, you who are sitting there battling on both sides, or you managing someone with mental health struggles. Look at me and see you CAN be the best version of you, be DAMN good at what you do, and be a bit bat-shit crazy :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOksZ8VogRw

Focus - Day 53

Day 53 (22nd January 2015)

53 villages alone, from across the UK, required no war 
memorial after World War One.
The First World War lasted 53 months, from June 28 with the attack
on Sarajero, until Austria proclaimed the republic 
and its return to Germany, November 11, 1918.

Today's post is by Jon Bartlett, who has been an important figure throughout the history of the Advent Blog series - it was his impactful post, Courage, about the experience of suffering poor mental health, which you can read via this link, that resulted in the creation of #HR4MH (HR for Mental Health). Jon works as a coach and mediator, specialising in resilience and conflict resolution. Increasingly over the past few years he has become recognised as one of the UK's foremost experts in raising awareness of mental health. Jon has an active body as well as an active mind - he walks, cycles, travels, reads, and is a valued friend. He and I met via Twitter (his handle @projectlibero is the same as his business site, Project Libero). As well as being an inspirational writer and thinker, Jon is a talented photographer - all the pictures in the below post, summarising his journey over 2014, were taken by him during the course of the year. It is said that "a picture is worth a thousand words", certainly, these pictures spoke to me. 

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When my mind fractures and betrays me I often take comfort in nature. Over the years it has been an escape, a sanctuary and an analgesic. In 2014 I decided to try to make nature my teacher by studying shamanic practice. Now before you rush to imagine naked dancing round the campfire, painted faces or ritual sacrifice I had better reassure you that my studies have been far more prosaic. What they have involved is a greater appreciation of the world around me and a good deal of quiet reflection on rhythm and harmony within nature. I've looked at the seasons and the behaviour of animals, drawing wisdom from their innate reactions and responses. If I tried to write down all I have learned then we would be here a long time, so instead I offer you a quote from the photographer Ansel Adams:

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.”

Whilst not in the same league as Adams, I take comfort from photography, as a way to record and retrieve some of the insights that nature gives me. Here are some images of my path and perceptions from my year on the “Red Road”

“Trail”

This picture was just an instinctive snap but actually as I looked at it again I realised that being out on the ‘trail” often helps me make sense of the thoughts which “ail” me.

“Reaching”

I lay under this tree a long time. Although damaged by fire it continues to grow and thrive - much like I do.

“Siesta Lake Reflection"

This reminded that the very best of us is often reflected in what we do for others.

“Formation”

Pelicans working as a team to search and quarter the water - a theme for me professionally this year.

“Relaxing”

This sea otter taught me about being willing to relax in any environment.

“Fallen”

This picture of rose petals reminds me of recent friendships that have crumbled and fallen, people worn down beyond the limit of their patience by the slowness of my recovery or hurt by the outbursts of rage I have fired at them. Those people remain ever bright and colourful in my mind.

“Fragility”

At the most beautiful stage of its life this butterfly was fragile and vulnerable.

“Hiding in plain sight”

However I feel about myself, most people won’t have noticed any dysfunction.

“Ghosts”

Many of my darkest thoughts are like these jellyfish - they can give an uncomfortable sting but they are not deadly. It’s learning which thoughts are the most dangerous which takes time.

“Intricate”

The complex connections here inspired me when I was working on a creative project this year.

“The gathering storm”

Light is sometimes found at the darkest of times.

“France to the left, Italy to the right"

Stood high on the Mont Blanc massif, I realised that most of the boundaries and limitations in my mind are man made and artificial - much like the borders between countries.  

“Last Day”

Trying to focus on the perfect sunset led to an insight about focussing on the texture / quality of my life now, right in front of me, rather than worrying about the happy ending.

Whilst there are no humans in these images Adams always maintained that there were two people in every photograph. The photographer and the viewer. I’ve told you where I am, so I hope you find something of yourself in these pictures and that you’ve enjoyed walking with me on my path for a brief while.

Landscape With Couple Walking and Crescent Moon
Vincent van Gogh, 1890

Walking Man - sung by James Taylor, 1974