A perfectly imperfect year - Day 22

Saturday 22nd December 2018

22 picture cards in a Tarot deck of 78 cards (these picture cards are referred to as Major Arcana
by fortune tellers and it is said that there are 22 to reflect the number of letters in the Hebrew
alphabet and the 22 paths in the Kabbalistic Tree of Life) - it was not until the 18th century that
Tarot were used for divination; in the 15th century they were just playing cards.

We had a splendid meal last night, lots to celebrate in addition to Christmas festivities - my cousin James' wife had learned that her amazing father, Naas Steenkamp, had died at 8.10 yesterday morning. He was a true polymath and lived an extraordinary life. Amongst other things, he was instrumental in changing South Africa by ensuring, during Apartheid, that black Africans were able to belong to trade unions and receive benefits. He wrote beautifully and was so learned. I used to love sitting and chatting with him, over a fine glass of Stellenbosch red, when I visited South Africa and I always learned something new. My thoughts are with his partner, Paula, and all the family. His was a life to celebrate and aspire to emulating. In addition, yesterday, my mother and I had an excellent hospital session, where we were informed that her deterioration in the past 12 months is less severe than had been anticipated by the experts and we have a plan to try to slow the decline. Today I am looking forward to a trip to Wells with my sister, aunt and mother and then, in the evening, we are going to see the new Mary Poppins film. 

However, enough about me and my plans for the day...we have much more exciting things to contemplate. This is Natalie Ellis's debut Advent Blog - welcome to the series :-) Natalie is an HR consultant based in Northampton. She is becoming an increasingly well known voice in the HR social media community, her Twitter handle is @NatalieEllisHR. She has become an accomplished blogger, writing for and on HR matters, her own blog is at natalieellishr.com - her own blog is up for the UK Blog Awards this year. Whilst on the subject of awards - she was the Highly Commended Finalist in the CIPD's People Management Awards 2012 for the Michael Kelly Student of the Year, sits on the CIPD Northamptonshire Committee and is a Steps Ahead Ambassador. Natalie has always enjoyed helping people (this does not mean that she is "pink and fluffy") she started her career in a customer service role before moving across into HR. When not working in HR, she enjoys a good cup of tea and listening to the Spice Girls.

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As I write this blog post, instead of sitting in my usual spot, the office at home, I thought I would get in the festive mood by sitting by the Christmas tree with it’s beautiful twinkling lights whilst drinking a cup of tea and a mince pie. You cannot get more festive than this!

Christmas is a time of year conjures up a mixture of thoughts and feelings, it is also a season of familiarity, full of traditions and not to mention an endless to do list. Whilst most soak up the atmosphere of the festive season, one thing that people think of, yet often forget to do is reflect upon the year that we are about to leave behind; sometimes we just need to take stock amongst the overflowing preparations to organise ourselves for the fresh year that awaits.

I am certain that we can all agree that resolutions are temporary and mostly ineffective (sorry diets and gym memberships!); reflective practice has a much higher success rate and is sustainable for the long term, by being more contemplative and positive rather than focussing on the negative aspects of life, we are able to truly achieve happiness in both our personal and professional lives. This may not be new information, nor will it be surprising, but by taking time to reflect on the year gone by, we are able to be better prepared for the new year. 

We live in a world of perfect idealisms, and there seems to be ever increasing pressure on our lives, but over the past few months I have embraced self-reflection techniques, and by doing so, I have been able to see the benefits of getting comfortable with who I am, purely by bringing it back to the simple things that really matter. These days, there is too much emphasis upon socially acceptable “norms”, or we worry unnecessarily about what people think of us; this led to a very important decision and I simply said to myself one day “I am enough”, and so I began to adopt reflective practices.

To be thirteen years into my professional HR career and only just uncover the benefits of self-reflection could be seen as embarrassing, but by allowing myself to be vulnerable and actually taking the time to practice what I preach, it really shows that we never stop learning and that it is never too late to start.  

Reflection is such a powerful tool, yet it is often overlooked or taken for granted. It provides an opportunity to look deeper at who we are, whilst learning from our experiences, by doing this we can not only become the best version of ourselves and embracing what makes us unique, but also acknowledge that we don’t want to change who we are as individuals, but by undertaking positive self-reflection, it also allows us to see ourselves as we are now so we can develop for the future.

When we reflect, we may notice that it is easy to see the negative aspects within our circumstances such as blaming other people or pick faults, I often hear the terms “I can’t” and “I’m not good enough for…” this only leads us to believe these phrases which impact upon our confidence levels for the long term. Reflection is not about identifying faults within ourselves, our views of these external aspects are actually directing us to look inwards, by what we see on the outside is a reflection of what we may find in ourselves. I must stress that self-loathing is not ok; no matter what your opinion is of yourself, this blog was created to help people recognise that there is hope irrespective of circumstances. We must acknowledge when we are being too harshly critical of ourselves as the long term effects can be difficult to resolve.

By recognising that these thoughts and feelings are of our own creation, we can begin to understand them and that is when the magic starts to happen!

Reflecting upon our thoughts, feelings, motivations and behaviours is not a tool designed to make harsh criticisms or judgments, it is simply to help us recognise so we can learn and develop and so that it becomes a positive practice, rather than allowing our problems and worries to control us. Reflective practice is the key to becoming accepting of ourselves, but it can be a painful process, especially when we seek solutions to our everyday worries. It is important to remember that it takes time; when we were children, we couldn’t ride a bicycle right away, it took time, patience and many hours of practice. It’s also important to be mindful that there are no shortcuts to those worthwhile destinations.

Remember to value self-awareness; it is really wonderful when you discover more about yourself and it is incredibly powerful to understand who you are, why you do things as well as clarity of your personality, emotions, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs and motivations.

To be able to adopt reflective practice, we need to be willing and truly believe that we are enough. From this we can then begin to make positive changes, encourage ourselves to truly understand our purpose and, even if this isn’t your cup of tea, you’d be surprised at the results when you start using these tools.

So, my message to you all for 2019 is simply, embrace your uniqueness, ignore that voice in your head that says, “you can’t” and realise that you are the master of your own destiny. 2018 taught me personally that life is too short, it’s time to make 2019 your very best year. 

Remember, that we cannot change the past or what we have done, but what we can do is take steps to positively influence the future.  

I am what I am - Gloria Gaynor.

Heartaches, hopes and high fives - Day 18

Tuesday 18th December 2018

18 - the number of chapters into which James Joyce's modernist novel, Ulysses,
is divided. It was initially published in installments in an American journal, but was then
released as a complete work on the author's 40th birthday. The novel's stream-of-consciousness
technique, careful structuring, and experimental prose—replete with puns, parodies, and
allusions—as well as its rich characterisation and broad humour, have led it to be regarded
as one of the greatest literary works in history

The Christmas silly season has arrived - lunch in Cambridge yesterday followed by supper at the RAC. I will need to pace myself. (I say that to myself every year and I seldom manage, but I am exhausted - this year has been more demanding than any I can remember). But enough about me, onto the blog...

In many ways, today's post is a perfect follow-on from Niall's of yesterday and Nick's from the day before - it considers our world, how small we are within it and has hope for our future. It has been written by David Head. David is a highly respected executive coach and mentor; he specialises in supporting people through periods of change and career transition. Just over five years ago David decided to move down a slightly different branch in his own career, away from senior search within the IT sector and qualified as a coach. Since 2013 he has worked for the award winning, London-based business performance and leadership consultancy, Accelerating Experience, as an executive coach and mentor. David for many years has been a keen sportsman (tennis and golf) and is also well read and an erudite writer - you would probably enjoy his articles posted on LinkedIn. You can follow him on Twitter - his handle is @DavidAHead2. It is a pleasure to have him back in the series this year. 

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This image of the Northumberland coast (you can just see Bamburgh Castle in the background), recently won an amateur photography award and was taken by a friend, John Chappell.  I chose this image because the sea is significant to most of us on these small damp islands. It is somewhere we go to have fun, reflect and take stock. Significantly, it ‘delivers something the soul loves too’.

I love gazing out to sea, particularly at this most moody, evocative time of year. 

Looking at this image you can sense the eddies, currents and flows going on under the surface, rather like our own thoughts, feelings and emotions. The sunset in the background represents a sense of hope to me, or is it the fading of the light?

It is this sense of ambiguity which draws our wandering minds and souls in, like mariners navigating the unseen flow of our unconscious.

‘We are tied to the ocean..and when we go back to the sea, we are going back to whence we came’John F Kennedy

From dry land the sea becomes restorative and nurturing, soothing our deepest heartaches and fears. Stand silent, gaze out and sense the darker and unknowable, yet instinctively known forces of life, and death.

The sea is the most primal force of nature, unpredictable, wild, ragged and untamed. It reminds us that whilst we can damage nature, we can neither tame it or destroy it. We are insignificant, small, vulnerable and therefore ‘at sea’. Shakespeare reminds us of that;

‘We to the gods are as flies to wanton gods, they kill us for their sport’

To look at this seascape reminds me of the turmoil of our times and of the sea’s transcendence. It also reminds me of our own relative insignificance, for better and worse.

Like a goldfish bowl our own world is often too small for us, and we are drawn to the sea.

‘The world is too much with us late and soon…Getting and spending we lay waste our powers’

From the same poem Wordsworth reflects;

 ‘ ..I’d rather be a peasant suckled in a creed outworn; so that might I standing on this pleasant lea. Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn; Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea; or hear old triton blow his wreathed horn.’

The sea, through Wordsworth, or Wordsworth through the sea reminds us of deeper wisdom...

This is a time of year for reflection and If gazing out to sea is a reflective exercise, then ‘taking it on’ and entering the waters’ domain requires great courage and resilience. It may also be equally cathartic. I am reminded of the Yachtswoman Susie Goodall who was recently rescued from sea after capsizing. I don’t doubt that she will go to sea again. Not just for the high fives but like the mountain, because it is there.

I am struck by how many leaders and adventurers are passionate about sailing, sometimes to the exclusion of all else. When I asked a friend why, she replied that it was ‘the spirit of adventure..not knowing what the next day would bring’ that draws her in. Compare this to Susie Goodall’s text when her 12 meter boat was taking a pounding in the middle of the Southern Ocean;

‘Wondering what on earth I’m doing out here’

And yet still we come, and still she goes...

If we can overcome our fears and risk all at sea, what more might we achieve? What would we do or take on if we knew that we could not fail? In this sense the sea challenges us, drawing out our deepest hopes and fears, whispering its siren call to set sail..

‘Time in the sea eats its tail’Ted Hughes

I know pain - you can’t hurt me; I’ve seen defeat - you can’t stop me - Day 11

Tuesday 11th December 2018

11 was the number of the Apollo spaceflight that landed the first two people
on the moon on the 20th July 1969. To this day there are regular allegations
that the whole mission was/is a hoax with evidence such as a 'flapping flag'
and a star-free sky being used to substantiate these claims.

Today we have a very personal blog, written from the heart, by Gary Cookson. He is an HR, OD and L&D expert who runs a consultancy business, EPIC HR. Gary is a key member of the HR community and I am proud to call him my friend.

However, the most important thing in Gary's life is his family - his adored wife and four wonderful children. His eyes light up whenever he talks about them. 

Gary is a caring, brave and wonderful man. He took note of my plea for interested parties who might want to run the Advent Blog series to contact me. I really do believe that the series (and you the readers) would benefit from a fresh pair of eyes and a new focus. 

Let me tell you a bit more about Gary: his business, EPIC, helps people to Evolve, Perform, Improve and Compete. Gary himself is physically competitive - a keen sportsman, he is a regular participant in triathlons and has managed some representative sports teams. Prior to running his own business Gary worked in HR in various sectors including Housing, Education, Not-for-Profit and Public (for the DBS). Prior to HR he qualified as a secondary school teacher (teaching History). He has a way with words - he blogs on the EPIC site and you can also catch his wisdom on Twitter (his handle is @Gary_Cookson) as well as hearing him at various conferences and events throughout the year.

I a delighted that he has come forward, as I can think of few who would match him in running this series. I am quite looking forward to being a contributor...

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The theme for this year’s advent blog series is Heartaches, hopes and high fives. The announcement of the theme prompted some deep reflection on my part - as per usual, my year has contained all of these in good measure, and, as usual, my blog is a personal account of this.

I’ll take them in theme order even though as I’ve planned this blog I’ve thought about things in chronological order. The quote which makes up the title of this blog is one of my favourites and comes from the ex WWE wrestler Tazz, but somehow seems appropriate here.

Heartaches

I’ve had a few.

My mum, who last year I said was having treatment for cancer and who I was estranged from, went into remission for part of the year but the cancer returned and she has resumed treatment. Perhaps the only good thing to have come from this is that it has helped us begin to repair our relationship.

My brother's partner, only in her early 30s, is also undergoing similar treatment and it seems out of proportion to be affecting our family like this.

My youngest son, at the time only 5 months old, was rushed into hospital for 3 days with suspected meningitis and whilst we were glad it ended up not being, it was still a serious virus and a very worrying time for us. 

My eldest daughter, now 13, decided this year that she no longer wished to live with me half the week as she had done since aged 3, and has gone full time to her mum's. Neither she nor we have any real explanation for this, but it shows no sign of changing and I’m heartbroken that someone to whom I was so close, for whom I was her hero and prince, who I loved beyond measure, can suddenly decide everything has changed for no apparent reason. I barely see or speak to her now and it’s left a massive gap in my life and heart. Worse is the effect this has on her two younger siblings, one of whom cries every time the elder daughter comes and goes, and wants nothing more than to play with her, and the younger of whom is growing up not knowing his eldest sister.

And finally I’m reminded of my own physical weaknesses. The male members of my family have a history of heart disease that strikes in their 40s. Knowing this, I’ve kept myself more fit than any other family member for a decade and had thought I might buck the trend, but there have been signs in the last year that my body thinks differently and I’m having tests to check what is going on with my heart, which aches.

Hopes

I obviously remain hopeful that all the heartaches will resolve themselves but in addition to these I have the following specific hopes.

That my eldest son passes his driving test and does well in his mock A levels, giving him a clear path to University.

That my two youngest children make a successful transition into full time school and nursery respectively.

That my wife makes a successful return to work after her maternity leave ends. 

And I hope my business, EPIC, continues to grow and develop in its second year. Even though I’ve done well in year one, I would like to be able to secure more income streams and add more value to clients and be able to relax more. 

High fives

Thankfully there have been lots of these. In no particular order:

My business was set up and has exceeded my wildest dreams in terms of its success. I did it at the right time and for the right reason and that fuel has helped me do things I didn’t think possible.

My eldest son got some impressive GCSE results and even bettered my own tally. He also began to realise his potential in our main sport and began to surpass my own levels of achievement and ability (even though I had a great year myself).

I’ve seen my eldest daughter develop some real and unexpected artistic talent, previously no one in the family has possessed this.

And I’ve seen my fourth child born and grow so well, with the high five going to my wife who managed a home birth with no pain relief!

Conclusions

Apologies for the very personal blog but it seemed appropriate for the theme. Often this year I have focused on the heartaches as these tend to dominate one's thinking and emotions, but having a theme like this reminds me, and all of us, that life doles out heartaches, hopes and high fives in roughly equal measure, not necessarily equally in one given year but certainly across a lifetime.

One can dwell on any of these areas but remember - they’re all there and more will come in each category too.

If, like me, you’ve not had a perfect year, then maybe, like me you’ve had an average year.

And that’s neither good or bad. It’s a sign that you’re living your life.

Doing your best.

When things go well, celebrate the successes, but when things go wrong, learn from the fails and stresses.

You’re going to have more of both. Get used to it. It’s called living.

Gary