Hollows hopes and high fives - Day 9

(Sunday 9th December 2018)

nine-tailed fox (九尾狐), is a mythical fox entity originating from Chinese
mythology, that is a common motif in East Asian mythology with specific names in
Japan, Korea and Vietnam. These mischievous foxes could shape shift (usually into
the form of a beautiful woman). Nine-tailed fox (illustration comes from the
British Museum and is a Chinese woodblock depicting a nine-tailed fox and a court lady,
made circa 1849). The nine-tailed fox is depicted as a character in both
League of Legends and Pokemon e-games.

I am humbled by the various ways in which people respond to the Advent Blog's call to write on a theme and to have their words shared for the enjoyment and benefit of others. Each year I am amazed at the variety of was in which people respond. Today's post, by Maggie Marriott is a poem. It has a subtle message about self-care and awareness and yet is based around an activity that each of us does, often without thinking.

Maggie is a devoted mother and a generous friend. She runs her own business based in Gloucestershire, England, an organisational change consultancy ENKI that provides "balanced business wisdom". She specialises in supporting individuals and groups through desired transformation and is an effective coach - she has been the coach of choice for members of the civil service supporting the UK Government, helping effect transformation, especially in the areas of cyber security and assurance, and also for the National Crime Agency. She also works as a coach for Ambition School Leadership, providing support to the leaders of the future within Education, and for the Relational Change Organisation.

Maggie is a qualified Gestalt practitioner (she won the British Gestalt Journal Essay Prize for 2015) and she believes in enabling humane change via the approaches she devises. Maggie is deeply empathetic and caring and is also highly analytical and systematic - she commenced her career as an IT programmer and worked for many years in the Public sector moving from a technical team leader to a business change specialist. It may come as a surprise that someone with such a background could write the beautiful and thought-provoking poem below that she has submitted for this year's Advent blog.  However, those who know her will not be as astounded. She is a deep thinker (as well as a deep breather!) and believes in authenticity. Maggie is a warm and active voice on social media - you can connect with her on Twitter, her handle is @maggiermarriott.

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Each life begins and ends with a breath and so does each living moment. Becoming aware of the quality of each breath gives us clues about how I and those around me are feeling. Is the breath being held or released? Is the breath shallow or deep? Is the breath fast of slow?  And from this awareness, choices appear. And from choice anything is possible. And so my blog this year is a poem in celebration of the breath of life and hope.

Every breath I take - Hollows, hopes and high fives.

Breathing out

A hollowing

Releasing

Settling

Reflecting

Feeling

The pause

Holding

Waiting

For air again

Breathing in

A heightening

Learning

Connecting

Reaching

Moving

The pause

Holding

Waiting

For rest again

Every breath a moment of hope

Every pause a moment of choice

23,400 breaths a day

8,409,600 breaths a year

From the hollows and hopes of each breath I’m alive!

To my oft forgotten body I give a joyous high-five

 Pink Floyd, Breathe

Anger over fear - Day 3

Day 3

3 wise monkeys - they originate from Japan and they are Mizaru, covering his
eyes, who sees no evil; Kikazaru, covering his ears, who hears no evil; and Iwazaru, covering his mouth, who speaks no evil.

This post was composed in 2015 by Khurshed Dehnugara, a leading Partner at specialist research and advisory business Relume; this consultancy helps organisations, leaders, teams and individuals challenge the status quo. It touches on the "heartache and hope" elements of this year's theme. This post is a gift, as it will make you think about how and why you and others behave as you/they do.

 Khurshed commenced his career within the corporate environment, but left  off being an executive to become a coach and facilitator working with C-suite executives and leaders who are seeking paths to achieve desirable change within complex organisations. He has an eclectic educational background that crosses cultural, scientific, psychological and artistic boundaries. Khurshed is active on social media (I first met him via Twitter when he asked to join the 2014 Advent Blog series - his handle is @relume1) and writes excellent blogs as well as books. Last year he published the highly rated "Flawed but Willing - Leading Large Organizations in the Age of Connection". Similar to his book, Khurshed's below post is personal and explores why we behave as we do. It brings to life the contrast of feelings and how we interpret our responses - the heat of apparently coal-fuelled anger and its sometimes driver, the root-grip of fear that, if appreciated, can shed light on a situation and hence provide opportunities.

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At first I felt very angry, they were having a go at me, my whole body was flushed with an enormous surge of emotion. My mind was trying to grab anything that would get me through this and everything in my body was ready for a fight.
 

Then I stopped and gave it a little longer. It may only have been seconds but felt much longer as these things often do.

Now I noticed a sensation in my stomach that is difficult to describe but I know it after many years of experience to be a sign of me being scared. My intestines were all tangled up, I was hypersensitive to the environment and my heart was in my mouth. I used to deny this being about fear and call it something else; I couldn't accept that I would be scared of anything, far better to be angry than scared.

Now that I can accept it is fear it gives me some more choices.

I also know that when I feel it there is bound to be some anger somewhere, sometimes directed towards me. This is helpful when everyone in the room is still smiling but my senses are telling me something different. Sometimes it is more 'obvious', people avoiding contact with me, talking past me and turning their faces away. It is then a choice of what do I do with this? Do I want to press into the anger, encourage its expression? I often do this by reflecting back to the team their facial expressions - this sometimes causes a shift. Or do I want to diffuse the anger? In this case I chose to do that in the interests of the bigger piece of work by trying an apology. But I could only make this choice once I distinguished fear as different to anger. If I only had an angry response there was no choice about my reactions.
 

I imagine a picture of my fear when it is hiding just behind my anger. It is smaller, obscured somehow, it makes itself available but only for an instant before it hides away again, hands over its eyes or ears or mouth. If I can pause and wait quietly then he may show himself again. He feels weak but the more I wait, the more time I give him the more likely it is that he will come and speak for himself.
 

When I speak from that place I notice the whole tone of what I am saying changes, my voice and presence are different, steadier more connected, the audience are more intent on hearing what I have to say, the room is quieter. And we get a result more often than not.

·      Where does anger arise most often in your system? And when?

·      Can you identify what triggers it?

·      Is it authentic, about addressing some kind of injustice?

·      Is it a cover for another emotion?

·      Could it be fear that you are covering up?

·      Can you distinguish the changes in your body and the distinctions between what you notice when you are angry versus when you are scared?

·      If so what are you scared of? Can you articulate it or write it down? What happens? How do people react?

In the day to day it is quite easy to be angry with a whole host of things in the business that are not going to plan. In the Industrial Age cultures being angry is often admired as a form of leadership, if not admired it is certainly the currency of many organisational myths!

In the channel at the edges of the established ways of working, access to fear, especially the fear behind any anger is a source of creativity and change, if only we can give it a voice.

Home - Day 51

Day 51 (Saturday 20th January 2018)

51, the age of Franklin D. Roosevelt when he was first elected to be President
of the U.S.A., in 1933. On the 20th January 1945 he was sworn-in for an unprecedented
(and never to be repeated) 4th term as US President. He was the first sering President
to fly in a plane, the first to speak on television (when he opened the World Fair in 1938)
and the first to appoint a woman to the US Cabinet (Frances Perkins, who was Secretary
of Labor from 1933 to 1945. She was one of only two cabinet members to remain
throughout his presidency. She helped establish many of the important aspects of the
New Deal, including laws against child labor, the first minimum wage and overtime laws,
assigned the forty-hour work week, a policy for working with labor unions, established
unemployment benefits, pensions for uncovered elderly, and welfare.)

Today is Saturday and I am relieved, as it has been a busy week. There were moments when I wondered whether I would manage to keep a flow of Post-Advent blogs running for you. I am looking forward to a period of calm. Despite the rain, some of today will be spent pootling in the garden, filling bird feeders, etc... in preparation for next weekend's RSPB's Big Garden Birdwatch - something I do every year; playing my part in the annual assessment of  birdlife in the UK. Last year's results showed that there has been a 44% increase in the numbers of goldfinch since 2007. I love goldfinch - social, chattering flashes of yellow, with red patches on their heads that come to feast as a family on the Nyger seeds. Goldfinches are the connecting imagery through the pages of the beautiful book, The Lost Words, given to me as a gift by fellow nature-lover Simon Heath. The book was inspired by the words that were being removed from the Oxford Junior Dictionary and hence being lost to parlance. Robert Macfarlane (one of the authors) wrote a beautiful piece, Badger or Bulbasaur, about the book and our diminishing connection with nature last September. We may not like it, but we are a part of nature and should be more careful with our home - the Earth is the only one we have.

Today's post, whose theme is "Home" is written by an Advent Blogs pioneer - she was one of the very first to become involved when the series was founded and established by and she has remained loyal ever since. This piece comes all the way from New Zealand and has been crafted by Zoe Mounsey. Zoe was born and raised in the UK, in Nottinghamshire. She initially studied Psychology and commenced a career linked to the Education in the UK. In 2013 she, her husband and two children emigrated to New Zealand. She has retained her close links to Academia and now works as a Senior Research Programme Advisor for the New Zealand Fire Service (a job she started last February, having previously focused her academic attention on Disaster Research at Massey University). Zoe and I first became acquainted via Twitter (you too can follow her on Twitter, her handle is @zoemounsey). 

Both photos are provided by Zoe, I added the music at the end.

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Recently I have been thinking a lot about home and what it means to me as an immigrant. I use the word home to mean one of two places - firstly the place where we live in Kapiti, New Zealand. When driving from Wellington there is a point on the road or train line, where you suddenly see the sea and Kapiti Island which always tells me I am nearly home. Home, also means my parents house in the UK where I lived from aged 11. This year my parents will move into a new house and it will be interesting to see how I feel about their new place - will it be home for me? Or will their old house always be ‘home’ because of the memories. Is home about four walls or is it about people and connection? Is it about a space where you feel safe, accepted for who you are? 

My work in disaster research has taught me about the importance of home for those who experience disasters - those that have to relocate due to damage from fires, floods or earthquakes often experience more negative psychological outcomes. This has been on my mind, especially with the Grenfell disaster, as I know the community has been dispersed and I worry what this means for the people impacted by the tragedy. I know I feel more secure in New Zealand now that we have bought a house and have slowly made it our own. It’s more than security, it’s about having our own space and being able to make decisions about how that space looks. 

When I was 13 I wrote a poem called Home which was published in a children’s poetry anthology. 

Back when I wrote that I was the one growing up and home was very much a place of safety and security for me. Now I am the parent and it’s my job to create the home where my kids feel that they can tell the tales of growing up. It’s harder than I ever imagined - this year has involved bullying, friendship difficulties, first boyfriend and first kiss, anxiety about academic performance, concerns about appearance, internet boundaries and discussions about sex, pornography and suicide. Technology has been a key theme and her ability to access information that she is not yet mature enough to process. YouTube and a series of vloggers are Miss 10s preferred sources of information and provide her with insights into the world. I have learnt that while we can restrict access the best approach is to discuss with her what she has been watching and try to put it into context for her. Not always easy when I am often the last person she wants to talk to. 

So I am still musing about home, what it is, what it means and how I can create a space/place that my kids will always feel is home. And hoping that there is still a ‘home’ for me in the UK.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Home Is Where The Heart Is

It Only Takes a Spark - Day 41

Day 41 (Wednesday 10th January 2018)

41 miles - the length of the Metropolitan Line on London's Underground railway
- the system's 11 lines total 250 miles in length, which makes it the longest metro system
in the world. It commenced on 10th January 1863 when the Metropolitan Railway opened
a line between Paddington (then called Bishop's Road) and Farringdon Street. It is the
oldest and first underground railway for general public use in the world.

Today I am catching up on some of what we have achieved with money clawed back from the UK Apprenticeship Levy and cementing plans for the year to come. So far we have individuals undertaking MBAs, others benefitting from management training and a group who are joining us as conventional apprentices, commencing their careers. It is always good to know that you are helping people to develop and grow for both their advantage and for the business. 

Today's post is by a chap who is superb at encouraging others - Steve Browne, an internationally known and highly respected HR star. In addition, Steve acts as a unique unifying gel for many of us in the global HR community, cheerfully making contact and encouraging others to do so.  For the past 11 years Steve has worked for LaRosa's Inc - Ohio's leading pizzeria business and a regional restaurant chain that has grown significantly over the past 60 years. Steve is the Executive Director of HR. He has worked as an HR professional for over 25 years and has gained experience in Professional Services, Manufacturing and Consumer Products in addition to Hospitality and Leisure.

Steve possesses amazing levels of energy and passion for people and all that he does. He is married to Debbie and they have two grown-up children (of whom they both are justifiably proud). Steve is an active leader in the SHRM (Society for Human Resource Management) in the USA - and was elected to serve as a Director on the Board just over two years ago. He blogs both for the Society (SHRM Blog) and also on his own site Everyday People, as well as tirelessly communicating with HR professionals and interested parties around the world. His enthusiasm is infectious. I strongly recommend that you follow him on Twitter (his handle is @SBrowneHR) if you have not already done so.

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I am a hopelessly optimistic human !! It’s odd to see how others respond to my personality, demeanor and approach. It’s amazing how much skepticism and doubt I encounter because we think that if people are positive it’s either some act or a sham. People automatically think that if you’re positive, then you must want something from them. There has to be some hidden agenda because NO ONE is truly optimistic these days.

Sorry to disappoint.

I’m astonished to see how jaded and hardened people have become about all facets of life. It makes me ache. Literally. I am not so naïve as to not see the incredible challenges and dysfunction that exists all around the globe. I also know that this same level of instability exists in my family, friends and co-workers. I choose, however, not to succumb to the darkness.

I empathize with others who are facing challenges without judgement. Something may seem an easy fix for some and be a mountain for others. We need to remember that people don’t want to be “fixed” – they want to be seen and acknowledged. There is an easy way to do this. You need to be the spark that rekindles the life and passion that exists in every human being !!

In my recent past, I was the Scoutmaster of Troop 941. I spent twelve years in Scouting with my amazing son along with many fantastic young men.

They came from all types of family situations ranging from affluent to poverty. Homes that were healthy and others that were not. Positive relationships with parents and siblings as well as those who couldn’t be in the same room as other family members. I never stepped in to try and “fix” any of their conditions. I had no right to do so, and that wasn’t my role.

I was there to be a spark in their lives. I’d be so geeked to see them attend a Troop meeting !! I’d see how they were doing as humans and check on how they were doing in school and at home. I’d listen to every single story and make sure to give them my full attention. When we went on campouts, I’d stay up to play card games with them and make sure they had everything they needed to learn, lead and succeed.

One of the first skills that a scout learns is how to make a fire. Now Boy Scouts is led by the young men in the Troop and not adults. They learn from each other as peers. So, the older scouts teach the new scouts. When it comes to fire building, the older scouts let the new ones try to “figure it out” first with little direction. Inevitably, the boys pile enough wood to start a bonfire, and it fails. After several fruitless attempts, the older scout steps in and shows them that you only need a very small amount of kindling and – a spark.

Once the new scouts see how little material is needed to start a campfire, they get it. A spark is all that is needed !!

This same approach is what happens to us as adults. Instead of stripping back the trappings of life, we pile on more and more until we’re almost immobile. We want to move ahead, but we can’t. We’re stuck in our circumstances and it seems hopeless. It isn’t. We have the chance to strip back all of the excess junk and get down to the basics. Then add our spark.

This coming year look out amongst your friends and see how you can help them unburden themselves by being the light that gives them confidence and courage. Be intentional and be the spark that brings them back into life that has joy and purpose !!

The Shadow is the Candle’s Son - Day 16

Day 16 (Saturday 16th December 2017)

16 - the average number of Christmas presents a UK child will receive.
Winter gifts were given to family and friends long before the biblical story of Three Wise Men
bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh was told. Pagan in Europe and the Middle East gave gifts 
on a number of occasions over the winter period, including the raucous Saturnalia on the 17th 
December, in honour of the god of agriculture, Saturn. People would drink to excess and give gifts of pottery and
wax figurines, edible treats and candles. During the puritan times of Oliver Cromwell and 
the Pilgrim Fathers in America present giving at Christmas was banned because of its pagan roots.
Christmas celebrations were legalised in the 1680s. People have complained about the increasing 
commercialism of the season over many years, in 1904 Margaret Deland, a journalist in Harper's Bazar,
wrote "Twenty-five years ago, Christmas was not the burden that it is now, there was less haggling 
and weighing, less quid pro quo, less fatigue of body, less wearing of soul; and, most of all,
there was less loading up with trash." This lead to the creation of the Society for the Prevention 
of Useless Giving, whose members included former President Roosevelt and Anne, the daughter of financier J.P. Morgan.

The weekend is here - given the date, I suspect that it will not be a day of calm reflection and relaxation. However, whatever type of day you have ahead, please ensure that you give yourself sufficient time to savour today's thought provoking post. It is written by the brilliant Chris Nichols, a Founding Partner of Gameshift - a consultancy, made up of a collaborative hub of coaches, artists, musicians and business experts that support organisational and individual change. Those of you who have interacted with him at work or via social media (his Twitter handle is sometimes the name of his business @GameSh1ft or else as himself @chrisnicholsT2i) will know that he is highly intelligent, quick-witted and a broad thinker. He works as a coach and is not afraid to speak out to help others learn and grow. Erudite but with a keen sense of the absurd, he is a fan of laughter. This will doubtless prove a delight to both him and his beloved granddaughter in the years to come. He is highly creative, his poetry has been published in Hold this Hand - a collection of poems on loss released by Cruse (the bereavement charity). You can find one of his stories in Knock Twice, a collection of tales for social change published in autumn 2017. Chis is a pleasure to be with and commands considerable respect from clients, contacts and colleagues. He lives in Dartmoor and loves the open space around him; he is a keen long-distance walker. He walked the 1,000km of the south west Coast Path in 2016 following his departure from Ashridge, as an act of recovery from anger and depression. He is currently studying an MA in Buddhist Studies and planning another long walk.

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The Shadow is the Candle’s Son

In nature’s heart, a deep silence reigns,
with bird-call, dog-bark,

the sound of rain:

each sits gently, beside the jet engine’s bite,

the sky is unmoved

by the easy-jet flight

As I sit I sense the ease

with which paradox rests among the trees.

Bright light bears shadow on its wings:
a still note spills from the moving string

The brilliance and the black
are one.

The shadow is the candle’s son.

Paradox, Chris Nichols (2007)

We live in a time of so much hashtag hate. So much effort poured into making clear that “we” are not like “them”.

Us and them - Pink Floyd

It’s a time of polarity, when much debate seems simplified into a Punch and Judy show of adversaries. 

There’s only a thin shoreline for understanding to stand on. It’s washed to nothing when the contesting tides deny all space for meeting and curiosity.

Caribbean meets Atlantic in Bahamas

Perhaps there is a lesson this season might gift us, if we step in close enough.

Alongside the marketing and merriment, Advent offers a deeper steadier voice, reminding us that this world is a pattern of brightness and night.  It once marked a time of fasting and abstinence in the move towards the birth of the light. The Christmas festival echoed the earlier solstice paganism of Yule, celebrating the turning of the dark and the return of the sun.

Every one of us is a fractal of this dance. Sometimes we can see only our own light. Sometimes we see only the dark in others. Yet we are all of us both dark and light together.

The ceaseless cycles of one season passing into the next reminds us that binary views mask something deeper, of a greater complexity, woven of richer tones.  We can’t do good work, we cannot live well on this tiny earth, if we assume to ourselves all of the light, and insist that some other is only an agent of darkness.

Perhaps we can pause at this time of the season’s turning to look beyond the identity dance of “self” as “not-other”.   Maybe we can take time to acknowledge that we too have our darkness, that our most brilliant light also casts a shadow.  Maybe we can look at another long enough to see the crack in the wall that keeps us from them, a crack through which their light becomes more visible to us.

Every such act of seeing our connection to another would indeed mark a turning of the season and be a cause for cheer.

CN
Yule 2017