A Cheeky Little Smile and a Work Life Balance - Day 8

Day 8 (Friday 8th December 2017)

Eight reindeer pull Father Christmas' sleigh, according to the
1823 poem, Clement C. Moore "A Visit from St. Nicholas"(also known as"Twas the Night
Before Christmas". Their names are: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder
(variously spelled Donder and Donner), and Blixem (variously spelled Blixen and Blitzen), with Rudolph being a 20th-century inclusion.Reindeer can run at speeds of up to 48 mph (Usain Bolt ran at 27 mph).
Illustration by Scott Gustafson

Wow that first week has passed swiftly. We are having our team Christmas lunch today (yes I know it's a bit early, but some of the team are going away for a few weeks and so it makes sense to meet up now, while we are all still around). I wonder what Secret Santa will bring me. I love this time of year: the sparkle, surprises, smiles and generosity (more of spirit than of gifts).

Today's piece should raise a smile. It is always a joy to read about personal transformation based on values and who doesn't love a happy ending? It is written by Craig Kaye, who works as an L&D specialist for the charity Addaction, one of the largest Public Health Services across Substance Misuse, Mental Health, Young Persons, Safeguarding and Criminal Justice Sectors. He studied Criminal Psychology at university. He is active on social media (his Twitter handle is @TheCraigKaye ) and occasionally he adds pieces to his fine blog, also called theCraigKaye. Craig, as you will see from below, is a keen football player. He is also interested in Science, Politics, global affairs and things that make the world (and the people within it) tick.

NB All the colour illustrations were selected by Craig.

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As I sit on the 8 hour train journey from St. Helens, Merseyside to Truro, Cornwall I thought I would use this time to make a contribution to Kate Griffiths-Lambeth’s (@KateGL's) Advent Blog Series. With the title of Darkness and Dawn I had the intention to write about: Trumpism, then Brexit and give an anthropological, objective view of why society has decided to take these long lasting political decisions. I'm very, very passionate about decision making processes and behaviouralism, so this initially appeared a really interesting opportunity to air my observations - but would I class this as being in a personal category of darkness and dawn .......... 

The answer is ‘no’ - I want this blog to have more internal, meaningful resonance!! 

So, as I depart Birmingham New Street, my thoughts instantly turn to being a father to our two year only little monkey Oscar Kaye - and the contrast between the person sitting on the train writing this blog and the one of three years ago - this sounds deep. 

Three years ago, I would class myself as first and foremost a loyal husband, however what came next where two personal obsessions of mine: ‘work’ and ‘football.’ 

Firstly, ‘Work’ - prior to joining, in my personal opinion, one of the best Learning and Development Departments money can buy for quality, enthusiasm and professional insight, I was a Manager involved in a service working directly with ‘Vulnerable Adults and their Families.’ When I wasn't working in the office, I was working at home, when I was on annual leave I'd always have my work phone accessible - just in case someone needed my professional guidance or a decision which needed to be made. Yes, I'm putting my hand up - not only was I a careerist but also identified with the term Presenteeism. I didn't wish to take annual leave, just in case a decision was made in my absence and didn't wish to take a day off poorly in case this affected my chances of a promotion. 

Then ‘Football’ - The above amount of work needed its own avenue of stress release, I had been playing football since I can remember and three years ago was easily playing up to five times per week with various teams, friends and work colleagues. If a match at the weekend was called off I'd have a little sulk to myself, if something else occurred, e.g. being injured or feeling poorly, this didn't not matter one inch, my football boots were still going on my feet, eager in anticipation to walk on to the green turf.

Then on the 19th November 2015, a cheeky little monkey, weighing in at only 5lbs was placed in my arms. I still vividly remember his little baby-blue Winnie The Pooh Cotton Hat and Gloves and he made no more than a tiny squeak whenever he wanted a few mls of ready-made milk formula.

What followed, due to complications very much not spoken about in pregnancy, meant remaining in the hospital for an additional four weeks due to his amazing mum's health. You don't really see it in the soaps, I assumed prior to then that we would be in and out with enough time to catch the end of the match and the start of the new series of ‘I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here.’ - we weren't!

A vast number of people told the Craig of three years ago, that having a baby is the biggest life-changing moment in your life, I gave the usual smile and nod without paying it too much notice.

‘What do they know?’ I thought to myself. ‘I manage my time brilliantly, it won't change my beliefs, views or attitudes that much’ I reflected at the time - it does!

I started my new role in Learning and Development in January 2016, based from home. Some can struggle with not working in close proximity with colleagues and no office politics or banter. I very much do not, I have someone working next to me with a cheeky little smile and day by day watching him develop into a confident and happy little toddler who loves nothing more than to get his hands on Penguin Chocolate Cake Bars and to play Hide and Seek behind Daddy's Office Door.

What happened to me in November 2015 was that, before any thought process I had, I weighed up what Oscar needed first. Seeing him and his Mother smile became my primary goal, not work, not football but both their health and happiness and seeing the slightest progress in his emotional or physical development filled me with more joy than a promotion or scoring any goal could.

What's more is that my new role placed a strong emphasis on a healthy work / life balance, personal and professional development through expert coaching and internal opportunities as well as a team who all have such strong specialisms it can only make you even better at what you do when in their presence.

As I reflect over the last year or two and losing my careerism and presenteeism where I would beat myself up if I wasn't the best at everything I did either in work or on the football pitch, I have become a far more skilled, empathic and resilient professional than I ever was pre-2015 and my goal scoring record is actually better too!

I'm incredibly thankful to my Wife and Son for helping me become the incredibly happy person writing this blog, my Manager and Team in Learning and Development who help me become a stronger, more confident professional and my friends and family who regularly listen to my rants about such topics as: Politics, Science, Football Results and Social Injustice.

And a massive thank you for spending the time reading the above!!!!

Craig

The darkest hour is just before the dawn… Day 4

Day 4 (Monday 4th December 2017)

Four toes on each turkey's foot - three in front with a shorter rear-facing one 

at the back. Prior to the turkey traditional Christmas fare included roast swan, 

pheasants and peacocks. An old favourite was a roast boar's head decorated with holly 

and fruit. Henry VIII was the first English king to enjoy turkey. 

It was Edward VII made eating turkey fashionable at Christmas.

Welcome to a new working week (or at least the earlier part of it, if you work in the Middle East and certain other parts of the world). I am constantly amazed at the global reach of the Advent Blog series. 

Today's post is a very personal piece by a becoming much-loved regular contributor, Gary Cookson. Gary is a respected HR professional with a flair for development. His first post for this series was on Boxing Day in 2015 and expressed his experiences of job interviews, Turn Down the Light. Last year's was also candid, shining a light into his family life in (Your love keeps lifting me) Higher and Higher  and which explained the transformation in his life after finding true love. This year's takes us on a further step along his journey of work and his wider life.

Gary is a natural networker and a popular contributor to many social media groups, he is also an accomplished speaker (as demonstrated at the CIPD's conference in November). His Twitter handle is @Gary_Cookson. He is crams a lot into life, he is a triathlete and also a prolific blogger - yso perhaps the title of his personal blog should not surprise you, HR Triathlete.

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I’m really pleased to be able to contribute again to this Advent series and grateful to Kate for giving me the opportunity. This year’s theme is Darkness and Dawn, and if ever a theme has immediately encapsulated my entire year, it’s that. 

Let me explain. 

I once saw an article that said that 42 is the peak age in men for depression, as it tends to be the age when all the responsibilities of family, work/career, financial commitments and other things all combine to reach a potentially terrifying peak. 

I turned 42 this year. 

And although I’ve not been depressed, I can see the point the article is trying to make. It’s been a tough year for me, both personally and professionally, and one I’m in no hurry to repeat. 

There’s been darkness. 

Darkness by Mikko Lagerstedt 

From a professional perspective I’ve had two main jobs this year. For the first six months of the year I was professionally very very frustrated, doing a job where I wasn’t challenged and I wasn’t doing anything I particularly got satisfaction from. I didn’t feel I was respected as a professional, or used to my full capacity. However, my work life balance was absolutely superb and I was able to manage this well. 

But overall, the first half of the year was difficult from a professional perspective. 

Dull job, by Duke, 1979

And then I moved jobs. 

All of a sudden I had a job where I was challenged professionally, where I was used to my full capacity, and was respected as a professional. However, my work life balance became awful because of the commute and amount of in job travel, and I became unable to manage this at all. 

So the second half of the year became difficult from a personal perspective. 

And this in turn made me start to wonder what I wanted from both, and how I could get balance. 

To add to my darkness, a number of factors combined. We fell out with my parents around this time too, and whilst that’s no doubt a temporary situation it still isn’t pleasant as they were a good source of support and advice. 

Falling out with parents
a temporary situation

Then my mum became very ill and was diagnosed with cancer. My son is in his GCSE year and under a lot of pressure at school, and that shows at home too - he’s bright, but struggling in some subjects and unfortunately ones where I feel unable to help and that makes me feel powerless. My eldest daughter is transitioning into her teenage years and is having difficulty redefining who she is. It means we often clash and she’s unable to explain why, and this causes a lot of family stress too. 

And my wife has been very ill for the last few months too, and has been unable to play a full part in family life, adding more pressure on me to step up. More on that later though. 

And in all of this darkness I’ve had to try to maintain a strong professional focus. To try to figure out what contribution I can make to the profession, whilst still keeping my family happy and healthy. 

But they say the darkest hour is just before the dawn, and how true that may prove to be. 

I’ve recently re-evaluated my priorities in life and realise it’s more important to keep my family happy. That’s my focus. And in doing that my professional needs need to fit around me doing that. 

So I’ve left the job that was causing my family pain. And I’m exploring self employed, associate and interim opportunities that will allow me to be as flexible as I can to support my family in such an important time for us all. 

And we are having another baby in May. (Hence why my wife has been very unwell.) 

And so there’s the dawn. A new life, a new professional focus, and a renewed focus on what’s important in life. 

I’m really excited by what the next year will bring. I aim to look back on it as a watershed year in which I finally balanced things. 

After a year of darkness, comes the dawn. 

And with it, hope.

Daybreak, the Old Forest (2007) by Tom Dubbeldam

(Your love keeps lifting me) Higher and Higher

(Your love keeps lifting me) Higher and Higher  

Day 3 (Saturday 3rd December 2016)

3-time winner of the Tour de France, British cyclist Chris Froome,

crossed the finish line arm-in-arm with his Team Sky mates on 24th

July 2016. Froome won in 2013, 2015 and 2016 and is the first man to 

successfully defened his title for over 20 years. He is just the 8th rider

to win at least 3 Tours de France, joining Belgium's Phillipe Thys,

Louison Bobet of France and American Greg LeMond on 3. The record

of 5 Tour wins is held jointly by Jacques Anquetil & Bernard Hinault of

France, Belgium's Eddy Merckz and Miguel Indurain of Spain.

Today's blog is joy to read - it is always a pleasure to find that people's lives are full of love and learning. In this very open and personal piece, Gary Cookson tells us how his life has changed, having rediscovered love and now appreciating the fact that he is both loved and loveable. In some ways his blog can be read as a love letter. It is certainly an honest reflection on his year. If you remember from last year's series, Gary told us (on Boxing Day) what it was like to job-hunt and how, by not trying too hard, he landed a suitable role. Gary, in this year's post, touches on the lingering pain he still feels after 12 years in a housing trust he loved and was proud to have helped, having it change for the worse around him and having to leave. Since February he has been the Director of HR at Trafford College. Gary has high standards and is driven, both in and outside work (he is a triathlete, trainer, tutor, dedicated father and spouse) - he does not shirk from seeking to improve both himself and the environment in which he operates. In this post he touches on the complex issue of having a satisfactory work/life balance.

Gary is a natural networker and active on social media - he tweeted that he was writing this post back in November, without giving anything away. His Twitter handle is @Gary_Cookson. He is also a prolific blogger - you can read his posts on his blog, HR Triathlete or catch many of them on LinkedIn.

Gary has shared with us his own photos that record magical moments from his year.

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HEARTS

I got married this year. I'd been married before and the secret joy of marrying again is realising that you made so many mistakes first time round, without even knowing, and by marrying again you get the chance to put right what once went wrong (to steal a Quantum Leap quote). I hadn't realised that, having had my heart torn into tiny shreds some years ago, I had it in me to love again and most importantly to be loved.

In the immediate years after my painful divorce I focused my attention of my children, only having two at the time. I didn't think my heart had capacity to love anyone else and as a human being I became very shallow and self centred as a result, not valuing friendships or relationships.

And then I met Katie, and in time we had our own child, and its obvious that ones' heart DOES have capacity to love more no matter what you think, that it just GROWS.  And as Katie wants us to have another child in the future (no.4 for me if so) I'll probably test that theory further in the years to come.

The wedding was fantastic, taking place on St.George's Beach near Paphos, Cyprus at the end of a week long holiday that I thought I couldn't better but in fact only had to wait a fortnight to do so.

On that day, 26 August, my heart became whole again and I felt loved, and full of love.  I have not experienced a more perfect day and I don't want to.  I found my heart again on St.Georges' Beach, and part of it will always be there.

HEIGHTS

Two weeks after our wedding we went on honeymoon - a cruise round the Norwegian Fjords.  This was something from our bucket-list and the four days we spent in Norway itself saw me reach heights of beauty I didn't even think possible.  Norway is my new favourite place and I'd live there in a heartbeat (if I could afford it).

Honeymoons are invariably special events and I truly believe I may never experience those heights again, though I'll try. I certainly don't plan on having another honeymoon, partly because I want it to be some kind of pinnacle in my life.

Bergen was spectacular, ascending the funicular Floibanen to Mt.Floyen and looking down on what seemed like the whole of Norway. But we hadn't seen anything yet.  Standing at the bottom of the Trollveggen the following day in Andalsnes made me realise how the heights of Norway were something I could spend my entire life scaling.  And even then we hadn't got to the best bit - walking up the mountain to the Briksdal Glacier in Olden exposed me to a level of peace and beauty, a new height altogether, that I didn't think I'd ever experience.  Standing in front of the glacier, I have never felt so calm and had all my senses heightened so much.

 

I'd love to go back, to try to experience those heights again.

So this year for me, on a personal level, has been all about hearts and heights.

HOLLOWS

My hollows have been entirely professional this year.  Something has been missing.  I don't know what.  I feel as if, professionally, I'm searching for something and until I find it, I'll be hollow.

I started the year leaving the organisation I'd spent 12 years turning into an amazing workplace, and then 1 year watching it change around me and all my work be undone.  I used this story in my Ignite-Max poem at #CIPDNAP16 and tried to express how hollow the whole experience had made me, but also how it had helped me realise how I can rebuild and start again, something I've been doing in my new role since I started in the early part of the year.

But even now, the hollow feeling persists.  Something's not quite right, professionally, and the sharp contrasts with how high I've flown in my personal life haven't helped by exposing an area that isn't as perfect for me, so I've clearly got work to do.

The feeling actually makes me angry at times, irritable and short-tempered, which isn’t the person I want to be.

I guess I'm searching for something to fill the hollowness inside me.  But I don't know what it is that will fill it or even if I'll feel less hollow when I find it.

All I do know is that, if and when I figure it all out - watch out.

Silent Nights and Untravelled Paths - Day 43

Day 43 (12th January 2015)

43AD - London was founded by the Romans

It was intended to be a communications hub, just above the tidal stretch of the Thames

Picture - an aerial view of Roman London or Londinium by Pat Nicolle

Today's post comes from the wonderful Janine Baillie-Stewart who lives and works in Cape Town, South Africa. She has a BA in Psychology and has made an excellent career for herself in HR. She is acknowldedged as on of South Africa's most social HR professionals (she and I met via Twitter, her handle is @JanineBS. We failed to meet up IRL at a tweetup when I was last in Cape Town due to family illness - but I look forward to next time.)

She writes a delightful blog about life, work and the things that matter to her.

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"Silent Night, Holy Night.."

My Dad's voice rings out on Christmas Eve. He would start singing carols and slowly cajole the whole family to join in. As a young girl I was always torn between singing along and wanting to stay outside and peer into the dark summer sky, hoping to see Santa's sleigh.

Many years later, I am the parent and my girls are all grown up and know that Santa is not real.

Father Christmas cooling off near Cape Town

This year I pause and reflect on the path of my life.

From childhood to adulthood.

Finishing High School I had no idea what I wanted to become. At some point I yearned to be an astronomer, but discovered that with my average Maths mark that would not be possible. 

Female astronaut, by Sarah Dworak 

I do not recall any burning ambition about what I wanted my life to be like. I went to University hoping I would discover my deepest passion.

And then life happened.

I have written before of a number of tipping points in my life.

My Mom died when I was 13, so my teenage years were extremely turbulent. Suffice to say that I was rebellious, outspoken with strong views on almost everything. My Dad called me (and still does) Number 7 - named after a donkey on a TV show from the 80's. The donkey's character was as stubborn as hell, hence my nickname.

Mad Jack and # 7 in TV series Grizzly Adams

At University my Dad was convinced I would become a political activist but strangely enough I mellowed out enjoying the freedom of early adulthood and the creative friendships which are synonymous with student life.

Then marriage and two children. My wonderful girls who mean the world to me. My life would be barren without them. I marvel how both are becoming wonderful young ladies.



3 Beautiful Baillie-Stewarts

My second tipping point was my divorce. My first real experience of failure. I never ever expected that I would fall into the category of "Divorced".

Those who have shared a similar experience will vouch for the embarrassment, self degradation,  sense of failure and torment which go with a divorce. Your perception of self is rocked to its very core. Although the stigma of divorce is much less these days, one still finds people who judge and perceive you as "different".

I am now grateful for my divorce as it altered my view of life completely.

Perceptions of what success, a good life and being true to oneself changed. Slowly, I cared less what the soccer moms thought and cared more about what I thought.

Decision making went from "we" to "me". I needed to discover what was important to me. A realisation that, to this point in my life, I had not yet defined what I wanted out of life.

A journey of self discovery began. A path not traveled yet.

My third tipping point was a massive career change. I had many lessons to learn from this too. Through this period I slowly began to understand that I am not defined by the work I do. I encountered HR colleagues who coached me through this transition. A wonderful community of people who understand. I found support in dear friends and those who know me.

It has taken me a long while to realise that it is OK to not do mail at night. To switch off and to do the things which give me pleasure. I am not my job. It is something I do and it gives me great joy but life is more than 9 to 5.

Better balance

I have found my love for travel. Experiences more than things. Adventures in strange countries with my daughters are a constant source of energy and enlightenment for me.

The path is not yet done and I am sure my perceptions of what matters will continue to change and evolve.

This path traveled is mine. 

This year I plan to sing "Silent Night, Holy Night" and get my girls to join in.

Silent Night sung by Sinead O'Connor, 2007