H., H. H-5s….version 2 - Day 19

Wednesday 19th December 2018

19 is the number of guards (known as Zabaniyya) who support the angel Maalik in Hell, according to the Qur'an (it is the angel's duty to administer "Hellfire" and he never smiles). 

As well as juggling work, I have to have a difficult family discussion today. I wish life wasn't quite so challenging at the moment. On the plus side, all being well, I am hoping to meet up with some wonderful people whom I have got to know via social media. I hope you have something fun to look forward to today.

This blog has had a very unusual gestation and just reading the title makes me smile. As you can see this blog is version 2 - Garry Turner had told me a while ago that he wanted to participate in the Advent Blogs series but I was remiss in that I failed to explain that the blogs need to be novel, as, being an Advent calendar, each day should be a new surprise for the readers and not a post that has been regurgitated from elsewhere. Garry was very enthusiastic when he saw the theme, had a bit of spare time while sitting in the airport at Mumbai ,and wrote a splendid post on the topic of Heartaches, Hopes and High Fives on his own blog. It is a wonderful, uplifting read full of gratitude. However, he then contacted me to ask if it could be included in the series and I had to explain that, as it was already published, it was with regret that I had to decline it. Garry has been amazing (and very patient) - he has written a fresh post (hence the version 2) and it is below.

Garry is values driven and, increasingly over the past few years he has become comfortable with who he is and how he feels. He is brave, caring and alert to the requirements of others. I have also discovered that he is patent and forgiving when someone else has been an idiot. He is the founder of The Listening Organisation, which works to help organisations and the people within them to help them to be the best they can be. I have learned from him. You can connect with him on Twitter, his handle is @GarryTurner0. 

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Heartache, hope & high fives ….version 2

Today, on my flight between Mumbai and New Delhi for an exhibition tomorrow, I was re-looking at some of the chapters of one of my reads of the year, indeed of my life; “Everybody Matters” by Bob Chapman of Barry Wehmiller & Raj Sisodia and I started to well up.

Not just once, but multiple times.

I have read this book before and it has moved me, but something different impacted me today.  Was I suffering heartache?  Was it a deep sense of hope?  Was it the realisation that Barry Wehmiller have embedded a high five culture in so many aspect of their business, it just blew me away?

I think honestly, a combination of all three, but I would like to unpick the heartache part further.

Personal purpose & development (to avoid further heartache)

When I looked to change career back in 2013 because I was fed up intrinsically, despite having the nice car, nice house & nice life, everything that the outside world classes as success, but all of it had little meaning; my work heart was aching.

In love with my fiancé who I will marry next year, my personal life was great, but my work live was soulless.  Literally soulless.

My then line manager who is very entrepreneurial saw an opportunity for me to start-up in essence a L&D strategy & function, from a blank sheet.

This was a great opportunity and fuelled my desire to #learneveryday, my personal hashtag, but after 3 years of success, I was advised by a senior leader (not the one that opened the door originally) that “I let you play at the L&D stuff.” 

Out of the blue, I was suddenly ‘playing’ at L&D despite saving the company c£100k over 2 years and engaging a wide cross section of colleagues in the ideation, design and delivery - all from zero.  I was ‘playing.’

This was like a knife through butter in terms of how it a) made me feel after 3 years of hard work and b) it impacted my self-worth.  This was the same leader that would defend workplace bullying of another senior leader as “he has something going on at home, so just leave it.”

At this same time I lost it at work – I went bang, leaving the business for 3 days and needing to call the employee assistance line as there was no one I trusted or could turn to.  My heart, and head, was aching.

Perry Timms, who I was only starring to know back in 2016 suggested I attend a WorldBlu Power Question event at Happy Ltd and that lit the touch paper of what would be a frenetic learning journey which includes, but not exclusively, the following:

• Obtaining chartered membership of the CIPD
• Attended Corporate Rebels event at Happy Ltd
• Led the transformation of my work team culture over a 3-year period such that without any M&A or extra headcount, we are now > 40% higher turnover and > 40% gross margin vs pre-cultural change
• Attended two of the WorldBlu summits in San Diego in 2017 and 2018
•  Attended the Zone event in Arizona in 2018
• Taking over 100 proactive action steps per quarter between 2^nd half 2017 and today (Q4 2018 will just creep over 200 proactive action steps) which involves attending events, meeting new people (a mix of virtually & face to face), peer to peer coach sessions, regularly attending Helen Amery’s Learn Connect Do events, etc etc
• Set up a new company called The Listening Organisation to use my own personal journey of self-discovery, humanity & vulnerability to try and serve individuals, teams and organisations to the best versions of themselves 

All of the above has been actioned whilst holding down a full-time job as an International Product Manager.

I do not share this to show off.

One of the reasons that I had tears in my eyes re-reading Everybody Matters on the plane today is that no-one, ever, in a workplace has ever told me that I matter.

You are good with people – thanks.  You are a great salesman – thanks. You can work from home by the coast – massive thanks.

But never you matter in over 20 years of work.

How many of us have ever been told we matter over and above hitting the numbers/targets?

A mending heart

One of my more recent learning experiences that has led to me being able to start to heal that heartache was attending a Quality of Mind 3 day retreat in July 2018.

This retreat was led by a great chap called Piers Thurston who teaches the 3 principles – the principles of mind, consciousness and thought.

Some of the shifts that have led me to be more present, calmer and less impulsive – which many people see in me – has been realising that my mental health challenge was all my own thinking.  I over-thought my way into that challenge, although I believed, wrongly, that it was in a major part that ex line manager.

I used to blame him, that previous line manager.  I used to think he was my problem, but in the end,  it was all my own thinking.  Yes, he did say some terrible things, but it was always up to me how I took it/reacted.

I forgive him and I forgive myself.  That removes a lot of the heartache – be kind to yourself.

He has his, as we all have our own issues/pressures/challenges of life, but knowing that we are only one dropped thought away from shifting everything, is such a free way to live life.

Going forward

I now know that my frenetic learning journey, only today on that flight between Mumbai and New Delhi, has been in part, to put a sticky plaster over that previous heartache.

That heartache that is actually my thinking.

That heartache has fuelled an incredible drive to serve others to the best possible version of themselves, resulting in The Listening Organisation being formed.

No-one wants to live with heartache long term however, thus as you read this blog, I am deeply reflective, yet present, about what all of this learning, The Listening Org and my current job role all means (outside of paying the bills)

I am OK though – really, I am - my heart is definitely not aching like it was and I remain hopeful and grateful for all for those high 5 influences in my life and that humanity is on the mend.

I have so much to be grateful for and I just hope there are more organisations soon, that embody their own version of Barry Wehmiller’s & Raj Sisodia’s humanity.

We all have a part to play in ensuring that the world stops it’s combined heartache.

What steps are you going to take?

Voices in my head

Day 39 (Sunday 8th January 2017)

39 - the number of years since Carrie Fisher appeared in the first Star Wars film.
She played the role of Princess Leia with a combinations of grit and wit - much
in the way that she approached her wider life. In addition to being an actress
she was a writer, producer and humorous commentator, as well as a candid voice on
what it is like to be an addict and a sufferer of various mental health issues.
Carrie Fisher died on December 27th 2016, 4 days after experiencing a medical emergency on
a cross-Atlantic flight. Her mother, the actress and film star Debbie Reynolds, died the following day.

It's a whole week since those New Year's celebrations - how are your resolutions holding? 

Today's post comes to us from Switzerland. It is written by the lovely Sara Wyke who lives in Geneva with her family and is able to take a boat to work across the lake to Lausanne every day (I am very jealous). She is a Learning and Development specialist for Frontiers, the open-access academic publisher specialising in scientific peer and post publication reviews, established by scientists, in 2007, as a spin-off from the École Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne.

Sara, who is British, is married to a wonderful Belgian fellow and they have two daughters, whom she refers to as Tiny and Bean. Sara studied Environmental Studies and Psychology at university in the UK. She remains interested in others and the world. She is active on social media and can be found on Twitter under a simple "Sara", her handle is @TeenyTinyBean.

I have added a couple of illustrations, but all of the photographs have been supplied by Sara.

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Voices in my head

I like a challenge. It really helps me focus, and I love the feeling of achievement when I accomplish something.

This year, I was looking for a challenge, something to take my focus off a job that had become more draining than enjoyable. Over the last few years I have taken to cycling around the lake as my yearly challenge with my friend Andrew. It's a big stretch for me to cycle 170km in a single day, especially considering that I don't do that much training to be in peak shape. This year I wanted something different, I wanted some space for myself. I don't like to think of myself as selfish, but this year I really wanted to focus on me.

I had loved reading and watching Wild byCheryl Strayed, and played by Reese Witherspoon. Like many people who enjoyed the story, I pictured myself doing a similar  adventure, but could not imagine being away from my family for so long, let alone the financial cost, since I am the main breadwinner. So I turned to more books for inspiration, next came the Hairy Hikers trek from the Atlanticto the Mediterranean along the Pyrenees. I thoroughly enjoyed David Le Vay's easy prose, and klutzy travel story. I noted with joy, that he had done a second book and quickly bought and devoured that story.

This was my challenge, I had found it, the Tour du Mont Blanc hiking around Mont Blanc.

It was a big enough challenge, hell it was a huge challenge for me. I dabbled in some hiking, having been dragged along with my parents through my teenage years. But this was for me, all of this was for me. I was going to hike alone, and the wrong way round just to ensure that I was alone rather than falling into step with other hikers.

Why the huge desire to go it alone? well I think I have always been a people pleaser, and it is exhausting. At work I rarely said no, I don't think I knew what limits were. I never understood people who said something was out of their scope... I get it now. So at work I was exhausted from always being switched "on", constantly trying to put my best face on, even in tough times. Then at home with Tiny & Bean I would always try to keep them happy, doing whatever I thought was the "right" thing. You see, the thing is, I've had some tough times in the last 2 years. Now I don't want this to be a sob story, but to be frank I had a burn out in the summer of 2015, and 2016 was looking like it could head the same way if I didn't do something about it.

So the hike was my time to be alone, focus on me, and not have to please anyone else.

I loved the planning stage of this challenge, I think I listened to the hairy hikers about 15 times in a few months, David Le Vay's soothing voice filling my ears as I drove to work. Sometimes It was the only thing I looked forward to about going to work, and, looking back, that should have been a huge warning. I started telling people about my idea in May, but it wasn't until June that I really started to believe this would happen. I booked the time off work, and gosh was that needed. My Fab hubby would take Tiny & Bean up to Belgium for the week I was away, but asked "could you be back on Monday?". This didn't seem to faze me, perhaps it should have done since it meant me doing the hike in 9 days instead of the usual 12 recommended in the guide books.

I booked my accommodation each night, I planned my route in detail, gathered my equipment and looked forward with a fluttering tummy. I decided to raise money for Mind with the hike, but I honestly didn’t put much effort into fundraising (We are Mind). When the day arrived, I sat in the car at the starting point about 2 hours' drive from home and asked myself if I was really going to do this? "Hell yes!" came back the answer loud and clear so out I got, loaded up my rucksack, and hit the trail.

I walked. In low cloud on the first day, then in shining sun and blistering wind. I crossed streams, rock fields and snow (once on hands and knees, but that's a whole other story!). I did meet people, lovely people, either crossing paths or at the refuges in the evening. I was slow, often being the last person to arrive at the shelter at night. I injured my knee early on and this made the walking both slow and painful, especially downhill, but it didn't stop me.  One particular night I arrived where I had planned to sleep, only to be told the hostel had closed down and the next place was another hour away. It was already nearly 9pm and dusk was falling. I cried, the only tears of the trip. But then I asked myself "What are you going to do? Sleep in the open?" and again the answer was loud and clear "Get Walking now!"; I hiked as fast as I could that evening. Arriving at the refuge in Bionnassay at 9.15pm and laughed with pure relief. The beer that night was the best.

The last day was the longest day ever. It was the world cup final and I wanted to arrive in time to watch and relax. I hadn't counted on the double mountain pass, as well as the injured knee, slowing me down. I hiked. I hiked. I hiked. Evening was closing in, I was back in Switzerland now, and the final stretch. Except the snow had been late this year, and so, even though it was July, the snow melt was swelling all the streams that cascade down the mountains. My path was covered in streams that should have been dry by now. Instead they were torrents that I needed to cover, hopping from rock to rock. The sunlight fading, my knee in agony, fatigue filling my body. There were no villages that I could stop in and add an extra night. A dreaded the thought of me slipping in one of these streams, gashing my leg, breaking a bone or 2. What would happen to me then? All alone? My voice came back louder this time, "KEEP GOING, You can do this". So I kept going, it was long, it felt like the longest day of my life.

I arrived back at the start point at 10.30pm and slept in my car that night, after watching the second half of the football. It was the most comfortable bed of the adventure.

It is now December, and I have a new challenge ahead, an exciting new job building the L&D and HR function in a fast growing start-up, ready for the next stage of growth. Looking back I realise that during my long hike, for all my efforts to be alone, I was not. I had a strong, determined, resourceful woman with me the whole way, all I had to do was listen to my own voice.

9 days

172km

376,010 steps