H., H. H-5s….version 2 - Day 19

Wednesday 19th December 2018

19 is the number of guards (known as Zabaniyya) who support the angel Maalik in Hell, according to the Qur'an (it is the angel's duty to administer "Hellfire" and he never smiles). 

As well as juggling work, I have to have a difficult family discussion today. I wish life wasn't quite so challenging at the moment. On the plus side, all being well, I am hoping to meet up with some wonderful people whom I have got to know via social media. I hope you have something fun to look forward to today.

This blog has had a very unusual gestation and just reading the title makes me smile. As you can see this blog is version 2 - Garry Turner had told me a while ago that he wanted to participate in the Advent Blogs series but I was remiss in that I failed to explain that the blogs need to be novel, as, being an Advent calendar, each day should be a new surprise for the readers and not a post that has been regurgitated from elsewhere. Garry was very enthusiastic when he saw the theme, had a bit of spare time while sitting in the airport at Mumbai ,and wrote a splendid post on the topic of Heartaches, Hopes and High Fives on his own blog. It is a wonderful, uplifting read full of gratitude. However, he then contacted me to ask if it could be included in the series and I had to explain that, as it was already published, it was with regret that I had to decline it. Garry has been amazing (and very patient) - he has written a fresh post (hence the version 2) and it is below.

Garry is values driven and, increasingly over the past few years he has become comfortable with who he is and how he feels. He is brave, caring and alert to the requirements of others. I have also discovered that he is patent and forgiving when someone else has been an idiot. He is the founder of The Listening Organisation, which works to help organisations and the people within them to help them to be the best they can be. I have learned from him. You can connect with him on Twitter, his handle is @GarryTurner0. 

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Heartache, hope & high fives ….version 2

Today, on my flight between Mumbai and New Delhi for an exhibition tomorrow, I was re-looking at some of the chapters of one of my reads of the year, indeed of my life; “Everybody Matters” by Bob Chapman of Barry Wehmiller & Raj Sisodia and I started to well up.

Not just once, but multiple times.

I have read this book before and it has moved me, but something different impacted me today.  Was I suffering heartache?  Was it a deep sense of hope?  Was it the realisation that Barry Wehmiller have embedded a high five culture in so many aspect of their business, it just blew me away?

I think honestly, a combination of all three, but I would like to unpick the heartache part further.

Personal purpose & development (to avoid further heartache)

When I looked to change career back in 2013 because I was fed up intrinsically, despite having the nice car, nice house & nice life, everything that the outside world classes as success, but all of it had little meaning; my work heart was aching.

In love with my fiancé who I will marry next year, my personal life was great, but my work live was soulless.  Literally soulless.

My then line manager who is very entrepreneurial saw an opportunity for me to start-up in essence a L&D strategy & function, from a blank sheet.

This was a great opportunity and fuelled my desire to #learneveryday, my personal hashtag, but after 3 years of success, I was advised by a senior leader (not the one that opened the door originally) that “I let you play at the L&D stuff.” 

Out of the blue, I was suddenly ‘playing’ at L&D despite saving the company c£100k over 2 years and engaging a wide cross section of colleagues in the ideation, design and delivery - all from zero.  I was ‘playing.’

This was like a knife through butter in terms of how it a) made me feel after 3 years of hard work and b) it impacted my self-worth.  This was the same leader that would defend workplace bullying of another senior leader as “he has something going on at home, so just leave it.”

At this same time I lost it at work – I went bang, leaving the business for 3 days and needing to call the employee assistance line as there was no one I trusted or could turn to.  My heart, and head, was aching.

Perry Timms, who I was only starring to know back in 2016 suggested I attend a WorldBlu Power Question event at Happy Ltd and that lit the touch paper of what would be a frenetic learning journey which includes, but not exclusively, the following:

• Obtaining chartered membership of the CIPD
• Attended Corporate Rebels event at Happy Ltd
• Led the transformation of my work team culture over a 3-year period such that without any M&A or extra headcount, we are now > 40% higher turnover and > 40% gross margin vs pre-cultural change
• Attended two of the WorldBlu summits in San Diego in 2017 and 2018
•  Attended the Zone event in Arizona in 2018
• Taking over 100 proactive action steps per quarter between 2^nd half 2017 and today (Q4 2018 will just creep over 200 proactive action steps) which involves attending events, meeting new people (a mix of virtually & face to face), peer to peer coach sessions, regularly attending Helen Amery’s Learn Connect Do events, etc etc
• Set up a new company called The Listening Organisation to use my own personal journey of self-discovery, humanity & vulnerability to try and serve individuals, teams and organisations to the best versions of themselves 

All of the above has been actioned whilst holding down a full-time job as an International Product Manager.

I do not share this to show off.

One of the reasons that I had tears in my eyes re-reading Everybody Matters on the plane today is that no-one, ever, in a workplace has ever told me that I matter.

You are good with people – thanks.  You are a great salesman – thanks. You can work from home by the coast – massive thanks.

But never you matter in over 20 years of work.

How many of us have ever been told we matter over and above hitting the numbers/targets?

A mending heart

One of my more recent learning experiences that has led to me being able to start to heal that heartache was attending a Quality of Mind 3 day retreat in July 2018.

This retreat was led by a great chap called Piers Thurston who teaches the 3 principles – the principles of mind, consciousness and thought.

Some of the shifts that have led me to be more present, calmer and less impulsive – which many people see in me – has been realising that my mental health challenge was all my own thinking.  I over-thought my way into that challenge, although I believed, wrongly, that it was in a major part that ex line manager.

I used to blame him, that previous line manager.  I used to think he was my problem, but in the end,  it was all my own thinking.  Yes, he did say some terrible things, but it was always up to me how I took it/reacted.

I forgive him and I forgive myself.  That removes a lot of the heartache – be kind to yourself.

He has his, as we all have our own issues/pressures/challenges of life, but knowing that we are only one dropped thought away from shifting everything, is such a free way to live life.

Going forward

I now know that my frenetic learning journey, only today on that flight between Mumbai and New Delhi, has been in part, to put a sticky plaster over that previous heartache.

That heartache that is actually my thinking.

That heartache has fuelled an incredible drive to serve others to the best possible version of themselves, resulting in The Listening Organisation being formed.

No-one wants to live with heartache long term however, thus as you read this blog, I am deeply reflective, yet present, about what all of this learning, The Listening Org and my current job role all means (outside of paying the bills)

I am OK though – really, I am - my heart is definitely not aching like it was and I remain hopeful and grateful for all for those high 5 influences in my life and that humanity is on the mend.

I have so much to be grateful for and I just hope there are more organisations soon, that embody their own version of Barry Wehmiller’s & Raj Sisodia’s humanity.

We all have a part to play in ensuring that the world stops it’s combined heartache.

What steps are you going to take?

Street Smart

When did you last make meaningful time for yourself?  How often do you take time to get things straight, set time aside to do some important personal thinking, create space to contemplate the things that really matter in your life? I would be the first to admit that all too often I allow myself to be sucked into the maelstrom of modern, urban existence. I work long hours, I juggle tasks and don’t always give the people that matter to me the time that they deserve.

I appreciate that I am blessed in so many ways – people tell me I am creative, intuitive, commercial, compassionate, smart, numerate, articulate, in a senior role in a prestigious organisation with wonderful friends and family. However, I am a slower learner than I care to admit – for years I have worked long hours to afford the life and provide the foundations that I want for my family, and to establish a meaningful career. I have loved watching people around me grow and have gone out of my way to help others succeed, sometimes even when they claim my work and ideas as their own. However, the life I live is demanding and takes its toll and my parents cursed me with a deep sense of duty - I will persevere long after most people have given up and gone home. I will think and think about things, trying to devise solutions and create opportunities for those whom I care about. Regardless of the toll it takes on me, I keep ploughing on.

Ploughing the hard way, 1910

It took me two hours last Friday to realise the error of my ways and also to figure out a better route going forward. That’s not to say that everything I have been doing is wrong or bad, far from it, indeed some things I will be doing much more of – all I have done is realise what’s important to me and how I can better prioritise.

I have come to appreciate that if you can’t care for you and make yourself the best you can be, how can you assume that you can care for or help others? Over this Friday lunchtime I watched two wonderful people give themselves a bit of time and serious thought to help sort out a few things they were troubled by. Last Friday I had a similar experience myself.

Let me explain…

I was told of an event happening in central London, being hosted by a group called Street Wisdom and thought that it sounded interesting. Unsure of quite what to expect, I arrived at Trafalgar Square shortly before noon to meet up with my designated host – an engaging fellow called Matt. I had been told to come armed with an important question that I needed to resolve.  I struggled with this – there are so many things I need to resolve, including, but not limited to how to: 

• see more of my mother, who is seriously ill and lives a three hour journey from my home;
• care for my autistic sister when my mother can no longer do so;
• better support my own children who are at important stages in their lives;
• stop working round the clock;
• start being a more effective mentor for the wonderful orphan I support in Kenya;
• ensure that I give more of my time to being a conscientious Governor at Guy’s & St. Thomas’ NHS Foundation Trust - I really care about the health, wellbeing and future of the community in which I live and the wider global issues concern me;
• keep earning sufficient money to support my family;
• have more fun;
• do more creative stuff;
• start seeing more of my father, who was once my best friend;
• learn to relax more;
• gain deeper appreciation for my team and their contribution at work;
• spend more time with the birds and the bees (no innuendo intended);
• enable my employer to achieve, and ideally exceed, the next stage of its envisaged strategy;
• enjoy time doing things I love with people who inspire me or for whom I can make a difference; and
• make the world a better place.

All pretty big stuff – well they seem so to me.  How to choose just one, or to narrow the above into a single meaningful question that would help me going forward… It was David who made the obvious comment that what I need to do is to ask how to prioritise, rather than trying to select a single question from my list.  I appreciate that prioritisation is a problem for most of us. I am not proud of the fact that I suddenly found myself trying to juggle so many important things that I felt overwhelmed. But I am only human.

I am not going to explain what happened at Street Wisdom, but I will share the images and thoughts that had an impact on me.  All of the photos were taken in and around the Trafalgar Square area and represent my interpretation of what I saw and how it helped me figure out what I have been doing wrong and how I need to change.

This ship is just inside the entrance of the South African Embassy – for me it symbolised the fact that I am on a journey, full of hope

When considering my life I began to realise that it is dominated by Fortitude

Sacrifice

Devotion

and Humanity 

(I suppose it has to be really, given that I am an HR Director and Governor for one of the UK’s leading NHS Foundation Trusts) – clearly I am not in Edith Cavell’s league – she was a British nurse who aided Allied soldiers trapped in German-occupied Belgium, was caught, tried and executed by firing squad in 1915. All of the above photos come from her memorial, which also states her last words said at dawn to the chaplain before her execution: “Patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred or bitterness for anyone.” A further lesson for me – the only person to sort things out for me is myself, I cannot blame or dislike others for my discomfort or turmoil.

Only I can release myself from the issues that feel to be binding me

I have time (sorry – thyme), but, for change to work, it needs my personal commitment.

On my travels I chatted with the stagehands unloading props for the English National Opera at the Coliseum Stage Door – they told me that they loved their lives, and were too busy to worry about prioritising, they “just got on with what needed to be done”.

I began to appreciate that I over complicate things for myself. I over-intellectualise and think too much. I should learn to go where my path takes me without agonising so much about the destination.

I need to let go, to get rid of undesirable thoughts and stop participating in unpleasant aspects of my life. 

Although I have felt trapped (just like the ball impaled on this pub sign),

Life could be so much worse, 

in fact there is a cornucopia of fun, reward and enjoyment 

if I would just stop worrying and go with the flow

It is possible to change and rebuild

I know that I need strong personal foundations, otherwise I will be unfit to support others.

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I simply need to peel off the layers of distraction

I am strong and have great people around me whom I love, especially my family – indeed, with hindsight I am surprised that my priorities were not obvious to me

The key to success lies inside me

The only barriers to a happier and easier future are those I have made for myself – what appeared solid was no more than shadows

To celebrate my newfound clarity of thought I treated myself to an artisan ice cream – Rosemary for remembrance, honey for a sweeter future, full of zest (orange in this instance!)

I found my time with Street Wisdom a powerful and positive experience, so much so that I spontaneously created a mini Street Wisdom session on Friday for two employees at work, whom I do not know well. I was aware that they both were struggling with different issues in their lives.  I felt that they might benefit from time to give themselves space to think things out. It worked brilliantly, all three of us were glowing when we returned to the office and I was delighted to have been able to facilitate the experience for them.

I am committed to doing it again, both in London (once with some of the original team I met on the steps of St Martin’s and once with an open group who want to answer questions and learn about the approach) and in Edinburgh, other locations are also being considered. David and Simon, who attended the first session at the same time as me, will be facilitating the open sessions with me – they too found Street Wisdom a valuable and powerful experience.

Let me know if you are interested in taking part.