Take a Good Look at Yourself

I awoke this Saturday morning to news that police had been called to the home of Boris Johnson (the candidate currently in pole position to become the new Prime Minister of the UK) and his girlfriend, Carrie Symonds, due to their neighbours having concerns over Miss. Symonds’ and Mr Johnson’s safety.  I’m not sure that a private tiff should be headline news or that neighbours should be recording each other and sharing their recordings with the press. However, there is no doubt that the altercation has the potential to damage Boris Johnson’s reputation during his bid to lead the Conservative party. Certainly, the conduct and character of the person holding the highest political role in a country is important. Indeed the character of any leader, either in or outside of politics is significant. I work for a financial services business and we expect honesty and integrity from all our staff, indeed we would not hesitate to dismiss someone whom we discovered was not acting in the best interests of clients, had lied for their own gain and/or whom we found not to be treating colleagues and third parties with appropriate respect and consideration. What we do and how we come across is important and, I for one don’t spend sufficient time considering how I seem to those around me.

My boss gave me some constructive but challenging feedback last week – he told me that some people in the business suspect that I have favourites. That for me, as an HR Director, is a significant cause for concern. It is crucial that I am seen as impartial, fair and interested in everyone. I have given his comments a lot of thought (hence this blog) - it is true that one former colleague of mine from a decade ago, a supplier who agreed to jump ship and come in-house and one person I met via a charity we both support, have joined our team – they were recruited without my involvement, but I can see how people, without my being aware of it, might have felt unintentionally pressurised into offering a job to a person who had my initial recommendation. I am confident that each new member of my team has been able to demonstrate well above average skills, but I can see how their hiring could be misperceived.  I’d like to state that I am hugely proud of the people who were in HR when I arrived. The HR offering has changed significantly for the better and it is entirely down to the team. When I arrived I made a deliberate decision not simply to “replace the bulbs” (despite encouragement to do so from some quarters) – I knew that every person had skills and capabilities that would prove invaluable as we turned the business around. Much better to turn bulbs on and demonstrate that positive change can happen – HR has been at the forefront of much of our business transformation and we take pride in leading by example. I have an amazing team.

I genuinely try to treat everyone with equal consideration, but that does not mean that I shy away from difficult conversations when performance dips or when people do or say things that unsettle others. I appreciate that people don’t like it when I call things out, but it is the right thing to do. I know that there are some who are going through tough times, physically, financially, emotionally and mentally - I am grateful that they have let me know - and I have tried to be supportive and understanding. It did not occur to me that those with whom I was spending less time might feel that they were less valued as a result. In my mind, they were fortunate, in that their lives currently seemed less complicated than their colleagues’ and hence they did not need or want as much attention or reassurance. Each of us is different. Some people like to keep work and home very separate. However, perhaps the problem is me and that I haven’t listened well enough or they have not felt comfortable sharing aspects of their lives or problems with me.

Whilst on the subject of impact and impressions (and this post being somewhat confessional) - at the end of a meeting in my office yesterday a colleague made a joke about the messy state of my desk. I am comfortable working with a collection of papers and objects piled around me (it is a family trait I seem to have inherited from my academic grandfather, who co-invented the iron lung, and my lawyer father who was a recognised leader in his field), but perhaps I should be more mindful of the impression it creates on others. There has been lots of research into working space and tidiness. A survey conducted in 2018 on 2,000 UK based employees showed that 41% of workers believe that an organised space is key to doing a good job, but on the flip side, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Mark Twain and Steve Jobs all had messy desks and they seem to have been quite productive. Indeed there is academic research that shows that people are more creative and better at problem solving when they operate within a more cluttered environment.

Mark Twain at his desk

Tidy desks only became expected when the industrial age really started taking hold and Dickensian clerks were being closely watched over. That doesn’t alter the fact that I should be more mindful. Various people at work’s words to me have been a wake up call to contemplate how I am seen by the people I live and work with.

I thoroughly enjoyed a recent trip with a much-loved and perspicacious friend to the National Portrait Gallery. One of the things that we discussed as we wandered through the 19^th, 20^th and 21^st century galleries, all full of famous people, was the impression that each individual had wished to create through their portrait. Did the sitter choose the setting and expression, or did the artist decide that? I suspected that it depended on the sitter – if they were a grand patron or member of royalty they would have more control. What was the choice of lighting (candle or daylight) and why? Why did a number of portraits all share a similar trait (for example a physical one such as ruddy cheeks, perhaps to look like the monarch of the time, or all looking sideways towards the horizon rather than directly confronting the viewer – although many actresses of the same period  seemed to prefer to look you in the eye).

I enjoyed spotting small details that people used to convey messages – the bust of Sir Walter Scott was carefully carved to indicate that he was dressed in plaid and proud of being Scottish.  

James “Jem” Wharton, painted by the Liverpudlian artist William Davies, shows the highly successful boxer at the height of his career – he commenced fighting in 1833 and retired undefeated in 1840. He then ran a tavern in Liverpool as well as being a boxing trainer and promoter. The picture is a very early depiction of boxing gloves and they seem to indicate that Jem had been training before the painting was done, as gloves did not become mandatory in fights until after the adoption of the Queensbury Rules later in the century. 

What looks like a dashing Spanish shawl tied around his waist are in fact the “colours” from his latest victory (we still talk of sportspeople winning their colours – but they no longer wear them tied round their midriffs.) In Jem’s days wearing the colours were an important message, advertising his skill and success. Not all the portraits at the Gallery were intended to convey a meaning, the charming sketch of Jane Austen, done by her sister Cassandra, is just that, a frank family sketch painted simply to depict her likeness. Many have commented on the fact that, with the advent of photography, painted and drawn portraits of everyday people are becoming less common. Most of the 21^st century pictures had clearly been commissioned. The picture of the chef, restaurateur and writer Fergus Henderson cradling a suckling pig in his arms was a particular favourite of my companion – it is witty and says so much in such a simple way.  

Fergus Henderson beside his portrait
now hanging in the National Portrait Gallery

Some leaders in business and politics are effective at using items to make a simple statement. I was particularly struck earlier this year by the dignity and compassion displayed by the New Zealand Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, following the terrible killings in the mosques in Christchurch. Her wearing a headscarf said so much and was noticed around the world (and indeed her action was followed by many women in New Zealand to demonstrate their solidarity with the Moslem community).

Corporates can make decisions relating to the appearance of their staff that make a statement to the wider community – the mandatory wearing of high heels has been much debated, in contrast, this week Virgin Atlantic announced that it is no longer compulsory for female cabin crew to wear make-up.  Have you considered the subliminal messages provided by what you wear or don’t wear? One area for consideration is colour. There is a considerable amount of research into the psychology of colours and how they affect emotions, perceptions and reactions. Roman Emperors wore Tyrian purple because it made a statement (it was so expensive and difficult to make, relying on the death of at least ten thousands snails per toga).

Influential Puritans in Britain in the 17^th Century reportedly wore black – it not only demonstrated that they were pious because they used no colour to adorn themselves, but also told people that they were successful and wealthy,

because a good quality black was hard to produce and hence expensive (the majority of puritans wore brown and indigo). Another aspect of appearance is hair (be it facial or the stuff on top of your head). I remember a bearded colleague once being introduced on his first day as the “soon to be no longer hirsute Mr X” - a clear message from our boss that he was expected to shave. More recently, I notice that Boris Johnston has trimmed his conventionally unruly mop of hair, presumably in a bid to widen his appeal amongst the Conservative electorate. I know that I look a bit wild at the moment, perhaps, now that I am trying to be more self aware, I’d better get my ends trimmed or even a professional bob instead of my flowing mane. What do you think?

When did you last take a good look at yourself?

"Man in the Mirror" - Michael Jackson

Enabling wisdom to show through - Day 36

Day 36 (Friday 5th January 2018)

36 years ago, on the 5th January 1982, South Korea lifted its nationwide
curfew. It was originally imposed by American occupation troops 36 years
previously at the end of World War II. The midnight-to-4am. curfew was
ended on the orders of President Chun Doo Hwan. He stated that the South Koreans
were "mature' enough to do without the curfew. I suspect that the White House
staff would like to impose a curfew on Trump's tweeting. The word "curfew"
comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "fire cover". It was later
adopted into Middle English as "curfeu", which later became the modern
"curfew". Its original meaning refers to a law made by William The Conqueror
that all lights and fires should be covered at the ringing of an eight o'clock
bell in winter (or 9.00pm in summer) to prevent the spread of destructive
fire within communities in timber buildings. Watchmen would patrol to ensure compliance.

The end of the first working week of January 2018 has arrived. I am proving slower at acclimatising to being back than I would wish, but that may be because we are still celebrating in our household. We have 3 birthday as well before the end of the month.

Today's post is by Maggie Marriott - a wonderful lady based in Gloucester in England. Those of you who read her post last year will know that she is a devoted mother. In addition, Maggie runs her own business, an organisational change consultancy ENKI. She is also as highly effective coach - she has been the coach of choice for members of the civil service supporting the UK Government, helping effect transformation, especially in the areas of cyber security and assurance and also for the National Crime Agency. Since last year she has also been a coach for Ambition School Leadership, providing support to the leaders of the future within Education.

Maggie is a qualified Gestalt practitioner (she won the British Gestalt Journal Essay Prize for 2015) and she believes in enabling humane change via the approaches she devises. Being highly analytical and systematic, Maggie commenced her career as an IT programmer and worked for many years in the Public sector moving from a technical team leader to a business change specialist. As you will tell from her below post, she is very capable of embracing change and believes in authenticity. Maggie is a warm and active voice on social media and she takes excellent photos - you can connect with her on Twitter, her handle is @maggiermarriott.

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Living in the UK means the visible cycle of darkness and dawn is a daily occurrence but in life, the cycle isn’t always so obvious outside our own minds and bodies. I could write about never feeling good enough, about always worrying I’ve done things wrong, about losing my fabulous Mother in law who showed me how to be a mother but instead I’m going to write about a very visible change from darkness to the light of dawn. During 2017 I transformed from the darkness of dyed brunette hair to the new dawn of white hair and so I begin 2018 with just the tips of my hair showing a reminder of the colour from 2017.

Why did I make this choice?  Because my 18 year old daughter lost all her hair to alopecia at the end of 2016 just as she was about to leave home for University which brought darkness just as a new dawn was breaking for her. And I’m a coach and I encourage people to bring their full selves to work and to be vulnerable. How could I possibly say trite phrases such as ‘your hair doesn’t define you’ and it’s the ‘person inside that matters’ when I was busily dying my hair to hide my true self.  Well obviously I couldn’t, so the hair dying had to stop!

The transformation has taken 12 long months and has been very public. And I’ve been amazed at how many age and gender biases it has exposed in those around me. The most common reaction has been of shock and disbelief.  Some asked why would I possibly want to do that? Some were concerned that I would become one of the invisible older women and treated differently once my hair was white. And others own identities were shaken as they tried to imagine having a friend with white hair. Wow, what was that about your hair doesn’t define you? It seemed at times that my hair didn’t only define me it also defined others.

Well, I spent the first 3 months covering up my emerging white stripe with a root covering spray so that was a gentle start. Then in month 4 the white stripe became too wide to hide so my hairdresser bleached some of the brunette colour out so I looked less like a black and white badger and more like a ginger fox. From then on I spent the rest of 2017 patiently watching this new white haired version of me emerge and watching people’s eyes slide up to look at my weird two-tone hair.

So now I am a white haired lady.

And I’m still surprised when I catch my reflection in shop windows.

And I’m not recognised by people who haven’t seen me since I was a brunette.

And now my hair matches the rest of me and I like it.

Reflecting on the dawning of a new year and the new white haired me I feel free. I recognise that for most of my career working in the male dominated world of technology I chose to stay small and tight in my chrysalis. I conformed to the norms of the office. I tried to bend my femininity out of shape to fit in, for my gender to not be an issue. I have too many #metoo stories to mention! But now the emergence of my white hair signals my emergence from the self-imposed darkness of my chrysalis into a new dawn of freedom and lightness where I am me and that’s ok.

And this means the beginning of other changes in 2018. I will be stepping away from working with my long-standing clients and beginning new work with clients involved in projects closer to nature where the focus is eco-centric rather than ego-centric.

And my daughter is thriving at University and has made amazing friends who appreciate her just as she is.

I know the cycle of darkness and dawn will continue and I will probably never get rid of feeling never good enough in my work and that’s part of me too just as much as my white hair. So now when people mention my white hair I just smile and say I’m letting my wisdom show through.

I Spy

I am on vacation with my family in Croatia. Last night we were about to head into Zagreb to find something to eat, and my husband and I were waiting by the hotel reception for our sons to join us. Seeing us there, the helpful receptionist asked me what time we would like breakfast in the morning and whether we wanted a cooked “full English” or a “continental”. I sent a text to the boys asking what they wanted and messages passed to and fro for a while, with me informing the receptionist of their requests, until my eldest typed that he could hear the relayed discussion, as he was seated just out of sight in an alcove. This prompted me to say aloud that, given that he could hear the conversation, it would make better sense for him to come and join the discussion rather than our continuing to SMS each other.  

A delightful Canadian lady standing nearby burst into laughter at this and commented that she had teenage sons and so understood.

At breakfast this morning (without the boys as they had overslept), we found the Canadian couple seated at a table near us and so we exchanged pleasantries and then fell into conversation. They are both voice-over specialists – he an actor and she runs an agency (which is how they first met). He specialises in cartoon voices (it’s not every day that you speak to a rock star of the animated boulder variety). We chatted about the day being the anniversary of Bambi’s initial release in the UK (back on 8^th August 1942) 

and that the voice of Bambi had been provided by a chap called Donnie Dunagan, who later went into the US Marines. Throughout his distinguished military career Mr. Dunagan never told a soul about what he had done as a child – it is only now that he is comfortable speaking out – perhaps it was this discussion that triggered my thoughts about people’s perceptions and hence the theme of this post.

Returning to the breakfast discussions – the couple explained that this was their first trip abroad without their sons. They had come to Europe to celebrate her 60^th – he had arranged for them to assist at the 20^th World Body Painting Festival in Austria, which was held in late July – body painting being an art form that they both appreciate. 

The Ship - a contestant in the 2017 WBP Festival

They were responsible for calming contestants prior to judging and making sure that things ran smoothly behind the scenes – certainly a memorable way of commemorating a milestone birthday. 

A finalist in the 2017 Festival competition

Body painting is an extraordinary art form so transient in itself, although photos remain once the paint and brushwork has been washed away. As a modern art form it has its roots in the 1960s with Veruschka (AKA Vera Lehdorff) being viewed by many as the godmother of the modern movement. 

Veruschka

Body painting, which entails disguising or transforming a model through paint, is a laborious process usually taking over eight hours for the finished artwork to be completed and at least 40 minutes to photograph. 

2017 Festival finalist

It is usually an illusion, transforming a person into something else, but also a way of expressing or making the viewer react, observe and/or think in a different way. 

Veruschka

We covered many topics during breakfast (art, world affairs, politics, travel and parenting), and then moved on to careers. I really liked his tale of how the husband embarked on his career as a voice-over specialist and gained his influential professional mentor and so I will share it here…

voice-over microphone

Being gifted as a mimic and able to produce a range of sounds and voices, he knew from when he was a child that he wanted to be an actor and do voice-overs. Aged 16 he wrote to Paul Frees, who was recognised as being the leading expert in the field and even today is known as the “Man of a Thousand Voices”. He drafted a letter to him “Dear Mr Frees, I am writing because I wish to become a voice-over specialist…” then crossed this out and, on the same sheet of paper wrote “ This is an important letter, Dear secretary or assistant to Mr Frees, I appreciate that you probably receive and have to respond to many letters such as this. I admire Mr Frees work and wondered whether he would be prepared to offer some advice…” , he then scored this too out on the page and underneath commenced writing again “Dear Cleaner, thank you for un-crushing this ball of crumpled waste paper you have found in the trash. It was a letter to Mr Frees seeking his advice and guidance, but he is a busy man…” He then popped the letter in an envelope and posted it to Paul Frees in California. Frees wrote back saying “the cleaner gave me your letter…” Frees asked for a demo tape and said that if it was good he would try to help him but that if it was not up to the required standard he would not respond. Frees liked the tape and a friendship was formed with Frees acting as a mentor and valued advisor until his death in 1986. The impact of the letter composed by an ambitious 16 year old just goes to show how important first impressions can be.

After breakfast we bid our farewells – the Canadian couple to continue their post-Festival tour of Eastern Europe, while I and my family decided to visit the Museum of Illusions here in Zagreb. There were no transformational body paintings, although there were a number of trompe l’oeil and other mind-baffling illusions. I enjoyed the Ames room, which tricks the viewer into believing that two people apparently standing in adjacent corners of a room are respectively a lanky giant and a fat midget – as demonstrated in this picture of my son and me.

  

I have seen this used to great effect in theatrical shows – most recently at the excellent immersive show, Alice’s Adventures Underground, in London. Appearances are important, but perhaps not as important as knowing who you are, as Alice says to the Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland:

''I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.''

This leads me to a point made by Edward de Bono, when he was interviewed in the Guardian back in 2007 (it is an article worth reading in full):

“Studies have shown that 90% of error in thinking is due to error in perception. If you can change your perception you can change your emotion and this can lead to new ideas.”

I must confess that I rather wish that both President Trump and Kim Jong-Un would consider donning different hats (as recommended by de Bono); escalating aggression seldom resolves conflict and the current bellicose threatening of ‘fire and fury” does not seem to me to be likely to result in a positive outcome for any of us. But then, it all comes down to perception.