Take a Good Look at Yourself

I awoke this Saturday morning to news that police had been called to the home of Boris Johnson (the candidate currently in pole position to become the new Prime Minister of the UK) and his girlfriend, Carrie Symonds, due to their neighbours having concerns over Miss. Symonds’ and Mr Johnson’s safety.  I’m not sure that a private tiff should be headline news or that neighbours should be recording each other and sharing their recordings with the press. However, there is no doubt that the altercation has the potential to damage Boris Johnson’s reputation during his bid to lead the Conservative party. Certainly, the conduct and character of the person holding the highest political role in a country is important. Indeed the character of any leader, either in or outside of politics is significant. I work for a financial services business and we expect honesty and integrity from all our staff, indeed we would not hesitate to dismiss someone whom we discovered was not acting in the best interests of clients, had lied for their own gain and/or whom we found not to be treating colleagues and third parties with appropriate respect and consideration. What we do and how we come across is important and, I for one don’t spend sufficient time considering how I seem to those around me.

My boss gave me some constructive but challenging feedback last week – he told me that some people in the business suspect that I have favourites. That for me, as an HR Director, is a significant cause for concern. It is crucial that I am seen as impartial, fair and interested in everyone. I have given his comments a lot of thought (hence this blog) - it is true that one former colleague of mine from a decade ago, a supplier who agreed to jump ship and come in-house and one person I met via a charity we both support, have joined our team – they were recruited without my involvement, but I can see how people, without my being aware of it, might have felt unintentionally pressurised into offering a job to a person who had my initial recommendation. I am confident that each new member of my team has been able to demonstrate well above average skills, but I can see how their hiring could be misperceived.  I’d like to state that I am hugely proud of the people who were in HR when I arrived. The HR offering has changed significantly for the better and it is entirely down to the team. When I arrived I made a deliberate decision not simply to “replace the bulbs” (despite encouragement to do so from some quarters) – I knew that every person had skills and capabilities that would prove invaluable as we turned the business around. Much better to turn bulbs on and demonstrate that positive change can happen – HR has been at the forefront of much of our business transformation and we take pride in leading by example. I have an amazing team.

I genuinely try to treat everyone with equal consideration, but that does not mean that I shy away from difficult conversations when performance dips or when people do or say things that unsettle others. I appreciate that people don’t like it when I call things out, but it is the right thing to do. I know that there are some who are going through tough times, physically, financially, emotionally and mentally - I am grateful that they have let me know - and I have tried to be supportive and understanding. It did not occur to me that those with whom I was spending less time might feel that they were less valued as a result. In my mind, they were fortunate, in that their lives currently seemed less complicated than their colleagues’ and hence they did not need or want as much attention or reassurance. Each of us is different. Some people like to keep work and home very separate. However, perhaps the problem is me and that I haven’t listened well enough or they have not felt comfortable sharing aspects of their lives or problems with me.

Whilst on the subject of impact and impressions (and this post being somewhat confessional) - at the end of a meeting in my office yesterday a colleague made a joke about the messy state of my desk. I am comfortable working with a collection of papers and objects piled around me (it is a family trait I seem to have inherited from my academic grandfather, who co-invented the iron lung, and my lawyer father who was a recognised leader in his field), but perhaps I should be more mindful of the impression it creates on others. There has been lots of research into working space and tidiness. A survey conducted in 2018 on 2,000 UK based employees showed that 41% of workers believe that an organised space is key to doing a good job, but on the flip side, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Mark Twain and Steve Jobs all had messy desks and they seem to have been quite productive. Indeed there is academic research that shows that people are more creative and better at problem solving when they operate within a more cluttered environment.

Mark Twain at his desk

Tidy desks only became expected when the industrial age really started taking hold and Dickensian clerks were being closely watched over. That doesn’t alter the fact that I should be more mindful. Various people at work’s words to me have been a wake up call to contemplate how I am seen by the people I live and work with.

I thoroughly enjoyed a recent trip with a much-loved and perspicacious friend to the National Portrait Gallery. One of the things that we discussed as we wandered through the 19^th, 20^th and 21^st century galleries, all full of famous people, was the impression that each individual had wished to create through their portrait. Did the sitter choose the setting and expression, or did the artist decide that? I suspected that it depended on the sitter – if they were a grand patron or member of royalty they would have more control. What was the choice of lighting (candle or daylight) and why? Why did a number of portraits all share a similar trait (for example a physical one such as ruddy cheeks, perhaps to look like the monarch of the time, or all looking sideways towards the horizon rather than directly confronting the viewer – although many actresses of the same period  seemed to prefer to look you in the eye).

I enjoyed spotting small details that people used to convey messages – the bust of Sir Walter Scott was carefully carved to indicate that he was dressed in plaid and proud of being Scottish.  

James “Jem” Wharton, painted by the Liverpudlian artist William Davies, shows the highly successful boxer at the height of his career – he commenced fighting in 1833 and retired undefeated in 1840. He then ran a tavern in Liverpool as well as being a boxing trainer and promoter. The picture is a very early depiction of boxing gloves and they seem to indicate that Jem had been training before the painting was done, as gloves did not become mandatory in fights until after the adoption of the Queensbury Rules later in the century. 

What looks like a dashing Spanish shawl tied around his waist are in fact the “colours” from his latest victory (we still talk of sportspeople winning their colours – but they no longer wear them tied round their midriffs.) In Jem’s days wearing the colours were an important message, advertising his skill and success. Not all the portraits at the Gallery were intended to convey a meaning, the charming sketch of Jane Austen, done by her sister Cassandra, is just that, a frank family sketch painted simply to depict her likeness. Many have commented on the fact that, with the advent of photography, painted and drawn portraits of everyday people are becoming less common. Most of the 21^st century pictures had clearly been commissioned. The picture of the chef, restaurateur and writer Fergus Henderson cradling a suckling pig in his arms was a particular favourite of my companion – it is witty and says so much in such a simple way.  

Fergus Henderson beside his portrait
now hanging in the National Portrait Gallery

Some leaders in business and politics are effective at using items to make a simple statement. I was particularly struck earlier this year by the dignity and compassion displayed by the New Zealand Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, following the terrible killings in the mosques in Christchurch. Her wearing a headscarf said so much and was noticed around the world (and indeed her action was followed by many women in New Zealand to demonstrate their solidarity with the Moslem community).

Corporates can make decisions relating to the appearance of their staff that make a statement to the wider community – the mandatory wearing of high heels has been much debated, in contrast, this week Virgin Atlantic announced that it is no longer compulsory for female cabin crew to wear make-up.  Have you considered the subliminal messages provided by what you wear or don’t wear? One area for consideration is colour. There is a considerable amount of research into the psychology of colours and how they affect emotions, perceptions and reactions. Roman Emperors wore Tyrian purple because it made a statement (it was so expensive and difficult to make, relying on the death of at least ten thousands snails per toga).

Influential Puritans in Britain in the 17^th Century reportedly wore black – it not only demonstrated that they were pious because they used no colour to adorn themselves, but also told people that they were successful and wealthy,

because a good quality black was hard to produce and hence expensive (the majority of puritans wore brown and indigo). Another aspect of appearance is hair (be it facial or the stuff on top of your head). I remember a bearded colleague once being introduced on his first day as the “soon to be no longer hirsute Mr X” - a clear message from our boss that he was expected to shave. More recently, I notice that Boris Johnston has trimmed his conventionally unruly mop of hair, presumably in a bid to widen his appeal amongst the Conservative electorate. I know that I look a bit wild at the moment, perhaps, now that I am trying to be more self aware, I’d better get my ends trimmed or even a professional bob instead of my flowing mane. What do you think?

When did you last take a good look at yourself?

"Man in the Mirror" - Michael Jackson

You have the power - Day 27

27th December 2018

27 moons circle the planet Uranus. Uranus is lopsided - it spins at a 90% angle to our solar
system's other worlds - it is presumed that this is due to a collision with an object at least twice
the size of Earth. The 27 moons, which also spin at an angle, are called: Cordelia, Ophelia, Bianca,
Cressida, Desdemona, Juliet, Portia, Rosalind, Cupid, Belinda, Perdita, Puck, Mab, Miranda, Ariel,
Umbriel, Titania, Oberon, Francisco, Caliban, Stephano, Trinculo, Sycorax, Margaret, Prospero,
Setebos and Ferdinand.  Uranus's moons are divided into three groups: thirteen inner moons,
five major moons (Miranda, Ariel, Umbriel, Titania, and Oberon), and nine irregular moons. The inner
moons are small dark bodies that share common properties and origins with Uranus's rings. The five
major moons are massive enough to have reached hydrostatic equilibrium, and four of them show
signs of internally driven processes such as canyon formation and volcanism on their surfaces.

Today is my last day not in the office for a while. A break has done me good. I have not written about it here, but the past 3 months have been ghastly (outside work, not in, but a combination of both has been exhausting). However, the past few days has reminded me of how fortunate I am. We have fed well, done interesting things and been showered with thoughtful gifts and good wishes. I am very grateful. We are going out tonight for a family outing to see Hansel and Gretel. There will be 3 generations of us, with ages ranging from 11 to 87. I'm sure that it will be an excellent end to our Christmas celebrations (although, our tree will remain up until 12th Night and there are still a number of presents beneath it that we look forward to unwrapping). I am very fortunate.

Today's post is another new voice for the series - I love the way that the Advent Blogs grow year-on-year. Day 27's author is Norman Murray. Welcome! Norman is a Director at Learning for Success. For a decade Norman was a Director of the Industrial Society. Norman has a flair for enabling people to see things differently and for pragmatic training solutions and coaching that helps achieve results. He and his team have worked with many of the UK's most well known organisations, including American Express, DHL, GSK, Kerry Foods, Kone, Premier Foods, South East Water and Tesco. They also provide open workshops. Norman is based in Eastbourne and works out of Brighton. He is a Qualified ACAS Mediator and also has expertise in: Strength Deployment Inventory: Belbin: Action Centred Leadership: Business Excellence Assessor: Master Practitioner and coach in NLP. He is on Twitter (his handle is @mediationforsuc) He is warm and supportive with amazing enthusiasm. I am delighted that he has written for the series about the heartache that having a lack of self-belief can cause.

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A lack of self-belief can cause heartache and contribute to stress and anxiety. Conversely, taking steps to raise your self-belief can make you less anxious and have a significant and positive effect on the way you handle stressful situations.

You have to believe in yourself. Whether you call it self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-assurance, it's a deep-seated belief that you have what it takes - the abilities, inner resources, talents and skills to handle whatever life throws at you, and create the results that you desire.

Believing In Yourself Is An Attitude 

Believing in yourself is a choice. It's an attitude you develop over time. Although it helps if you had positive and supportive parents, the fact is that most of us had average parents who inadvertently passed on the same self-limiting beliefs and negative conditioning that they grew up with.

But remember the past is the past. There is no point in blaming them for your current level of self-confidence. It's now your responsibility to take charge of your own self-concept and beliefs. You must choose to believe that you can do anything you set your mind to - anything at all - because, in fact, you can. It might help to know that the latest brain research now indicates that with enough positive self-talk and positive visualisation, anyone can learn to do just about anything.

If you assume in favour of yourself and act as if it's possible, then you will do the things that are necessary to bring about the result you desire. If you believe it's impossible , you will not do what is necessary , and you will not produce the result. EIther way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

See Your Troubles As Blessings

You would not have the wisdom and knowledge you now possess were it not for the setbacks you've faced, the mistakes you've made, and the suffering you've endured. Realize that pain is a teacher and failure is the highway to success. You cannot learn to play the piano without hitting a great many wrong notes, and you will never learn how to sail without tipping the boat over a few times. Begin to see your troubles as blessings, resolve to turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones and vow to turn your wounds into wisdom.

Most people encounter problems as they advance along the path of life. It's important to remind ourselves that our character is shaped not through life's easiest experiences, but during its toughest ones.

It's during life's most trying and difficult times that we discover who we really are and the fullness of the strength that lies within us. If you are currently facing challenges of your own, think about the following words from Rainer Maria Rilke.

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves liked locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They could not now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."

Stop Worrying About What Other People Think About You

If having others believe in you and your dream was a requirement for success, most of us would never accomplish anything.

You need to base your decisions about what you want to do based on your dreams and your goals - not the goals, desires, opinions and judgments of your parents, friends, spouse, children and colleagues. Stop worrying about what other people think, and follow your heart. Remember Dr. Daniel Amen's 18/40/60 rule: 

"When you're 18, you worry about what everybody's thinking about you; when you're 40, you don't care about what anybody thinks about you; and when you're 60, you realise that nobody's been think about you at all."

So there you are! Most of the time, nobody's thinking about you at all ! They're too busy thinking about their own lives, and if they are thinking about you, it's only to wonder what you're thinking about them. People think about themselves, not about you. Think about it. All the time you waste worrying what other people are thinking about you, your ideas, your goals, your clothes, your hair - all that time could be far better spent thinking about and doing the things that will achieve your goals.

Inspiration

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be. That's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down.

But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself. There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them.

Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are.

So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be.

Because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

Keep Believing in Yourself

----- Author Unknown.

LESSONS OF LIFE . . .

I feared being alone until I learned to like myself. I feared failure until I realized that I only fail when I don't try. I feared success until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy with myself. I feared people's opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway. I feared rejection until I learned to have faith in myself. I feared pain until I learned that it's necessary for growth. I feared the truth until I saw the ugliness in lies. I feared life until I experienced its beauty. I feared death until I realized that it's not an end, but a beginning. I feared my destiny, until I realized that I had the power to change my life. I feared hate until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance. I feared love until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny daysI feared ridicule until I learned how to laugh at myself. I feared growing old until I realized that I gained wisdom every day. I feared the future until I realized that life just kept getting better. I feared the past until I realized that it could no longer hurt me. I feared the dark until I saw the beauty of the starlight. I feared the light until I learned that the truth would give me strength. I feared change, until I saw that even the most beautiful butterfly had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly.

And ..... AFTER A WHILE.....

....you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaving, that company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises; And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held up and you eyes opened. with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much; So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers; And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong and you have worth.

                                                    
---- Author Unknown

I am what I am - Gloria Gaynor