A dawning through the dark - Day 13

Day 13 (Wednesday 13th December 2017)

13 is known as a "Baker's Dozen". 
There is a traditional festive tale, originating in Dutch colonial New York, 
about Van Amsterdam the baker, famous for his honesty and his St Nicholas cookies.
However, he was pedantic - giving customers exactly what they asked for, nothing more and 
nothing less. He is cursed by a crone for declining to give her 13 cookies when she requested
a dozen on St Nicholas' feast day. Over a year his business dwindles and fails. However, after dreaming 
of St Nicholas' generosity and a further visit from the crone, the baker mends his ways and 
from henceforth gives 13 cookies when asked for a dozen. Other bakers emulated him and hence the 
"Baker's Dozen" became a term. The phrase "Baker's Dozen" actually originates from medieval law 
that specified the weight of loaves, to avoid punishment bakers would offer an extra loaf to ensure that t
he required weight was met. Illustration by Wendy Edelson in "The Baker's Dozen: A Saint Nicholas Tale"

I had an amazing day yesterday - a day of personal learning about myself and others followed by chairing a Committee on Quality of Patient Care and patient, community and worker Engagement in London. The evening was humbling, hearing how the staff and medical professionals at two of London's leading hospitals (and the wider Trust of which they are part) are raising standards and rising to the challenges of the current environment - cash is tight, patient numbers are increasing, the pressure on people working at the Trust is immense, and yet they remain constant, focused and dedicated to providing appropriate care for those in need. An example to us all.

Today's blogger is also extraordinarily caring - I should know because I have seen her in action: encouraging desperate children living on the streets in Uganda and supporting the staff trying to help them turn their lives around; doing mad things that she hates doing, in order to raise funds for the charities she supports (Retrak, Team Margot and the Anthony Nolan). I am also privileged to have her as part of my team and to see, on a daily basis, her skill in helping people learn and achieve their potential, and her ability to enhance individual lives. Her name is Donna Hewitson. Following a tough childhood, spending her teenage years in foster care, she came into HR when her talent with people was spotted whilst she was working in an operational role behind a bar. If you want to know more, read the article published in HR Magazine about her this November. Her career success is entirely due her own determination, natural skill and attitude. She is active on social media (her Twitter handle reflects her roots: @PubDonna) and she writes an excellent blog: PubDonna.com. 

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This year has challenged me in ways I never expected. I have had to adapt, change and morph into the next incarnation of me; a bit like the new Doctor Who (I’ve never seen it, but I get the drift).

I have still not yet developed into the next person I need, or want, to be. But, I know what that will look like, and feel like, to me.

How do I see the person who saw out 2016? I see someone who was so focussed on filling the gap in their soul, it became all encompassing. Not “A” gap, “The” gap. It was deep, so deep-rooted, that I’m not sure if I truly knew who I was, or wanted to be. When I found myself in that space, I defaulted to the “it’ll be fine, it’s just a dip, it will get better.” It had to, didn’t it? What were my options otherwise?

September 2016 changed all that and guided me onto a new path, in a totally different direction, a path, on which, I can say I feel truly complete. Even if, at times, it feels like I’m travelling the wrong way up a one-way street.

My brain is odd. It is constantly going at a gazillion miles per hour; do this, sort that, always say yes and work out the “how” after. Always thinking “what next, what can I do bigger, bolder, stronger, better, how can I make my life, our life, better, what difference can I make to the world we live in?” If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, so what? That kind of stuff. It’s fair to say that it’s never a dull moment “up there”. But it weighs. Heavily. I spend so much of my time seeking to understand the troubles and challenges of others, and stretching myself to find a solution, that I forget about me. And then it comes. The dark descends, and it envelops all of me. 

But my face cannot change, I will not allow for others to see the impact of, metaphorically, the rocks I’ve been gifted weighing down the backpack I’m carrying. Then the mask slips and “ta da”, I find myself vulnerable with other people seeing the darker side of me.

I’m OK with that now. It’s important. With the best will in the world, maintaining the expected face all the time is a big old ask. Impossible.

I cried at work today. Twice. That’s OK. It’s also OK for other people to see me showing emotion. The reason for me being so emotional today? Someone showed, quite publicly, appreciation. I find this hard to accept. When I relayed to hubby, he immediately said WTF? You don’t cry. 16yrs we’ve been together, and he’s not seen “that face” often. This face I have suppressed for many years, but a wise and wonderful lady taught me it was, indeed, “cool to cry”.

Friends who know it's #CoolToCry

I am not a machine. I now express my emotions, I do speak freely, and directly (it’s not to everyone’s liking), I operate very efficiently and, for the most part, can keep my shit in check. There are times, however, when I am not able to. I don’t want to. I recognise this and I’m OK with it. It weirds me out, but I’m really thankful, for the first time in my life, I am able to me. Truly me.

I have many faces (thanks to Phil Willcox for educating me on this subject) and it is for me to choose which face I show. I can mask it, or share it. I choose the latter. The response from people who constantly tell me how strong I am, how inspirational my story is, the good I’m doing equal those people, who know me well, who express concern, tell me stop, slow down, take time for me.

What concerns me? I know it will not all be plain sailing and I’m sure that I will get burned sharing so much of me. I am vulnerable, I will be susceptible, and I will get turned over. I have spent years protecting myself and had built a fortress around my heart. 

It will take time to unpick, unlearn, re-learn and build confidence. I am thankful to have the most brilliant people around me, who trust me, believe in me and afford me the space to be me. All of me. The good, the great, the bad and the downright shite. How I respond, and not react, will make the difference of whether I see the start of the darkness descending or the beginning of a new dawn.

Nina Simone singing "Feeling Good"

A place in your heart

Day 13 (Tuesday 13th December 2016)

13 days - the amount of time it took in 1962 to defuse the Cuban Missile Crisis.
 Fidel Castro was instrumental in pushing the world to the brink of nuclear war.
(Russian leader Khrushchev wanted to install Soviet R-12 MRBM nuclear
missiles on Cuba to even the power balance with America.)
Castro died on 25th November 2016 aged 90.

Have you noticed how many of this year's writers have made observations on society or expressed gratitude for something or someone? The thankful post below is written by the delightful and self-effacing Fiona McBride. I have known Fiona for a number of years, we first met face-to-face when she was just setting up her own business. After graduating from Brighton, Fiona commenced her career in HR and was the People Development specialist at the RNIB before founding her own learning and development consultancy. She is a highly supportive and active member of the HR community, both on social media (her Twitter handle is @fionamcbride) and IRL. She is great at organising events and meet/tweet-ups. She became Vice Chair of the Central London Branch of the CIPD in June of this year.

Fiona is one of the key people at the forefront of Emotion at Work - founded by Phil Willcox. She believes in authenticity and recognising that emotions are a powerful part of what makes us human, both in and outside work. Fiona is married to Mark and they live in west London. Fiona is fun and social - a woman of many talents ranging from baking and cocktail making, to playing a mean game of Scrabble or helping others feel good about themselves and their capabilities.

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A place in your heart 

I know my family love me and that they have a special place in their hearts for me. I’ve known that all my life, I feel lucky to have that. However, what I didn't bank on, was meeting pretty much by chance some wonderful people, who I now call friends (some of you are even reading this). These people are generous and caring and I treasure the fact that they, without being related to me, have also given me a place in their heart.

This year has had its ups and downs. Both personal and work related highs and lows.

I've had moments of amazing success and moments of despairing sadness and grief.

There were times when I struggled to keep a place in my own heart for myself.

Do you know what I’ve noticed as I reflect back over this year? Those colleagues and friends who I’ve become closer to in the past twelve months, the place they gave me in their heart has never changed.

I'm still there… taking up that little bit of space… that they gave me. How precious, generous and amazing is that..?

I was trying to work out examples, what does this look and sound like.. but it's so so many things. It’s laughs, trust, working well together, listening and hugs, it's advice and challenge, smiles and more hugs. It's a feeling I get, where I don't feel judged. I feel friendship and cared for and kindness… it feels from the heart.

It provides me with such comfort and warmth, knowing.. knowing that you want me there, that you trust me and believe in me to give me that little bit of space…

If I could ever find a way to express to you how much that means to me I promise you’ll be the first to know. Because there are no words, or at least I don't feel there are enough words to convey that feeling I get from you all.

So for now I’m just left with: Thank you

Thank you for that place in your heart.

“Sometimes the heart knows things the mind could never explain” (Ranjeet)