On Darkness

Day 27 (Tuesday 27th December 2016)

27 - the number of studio albums released by David Bowie.

From 1967 to 2016 David Bowie was recognised as being at the 

vanguard of contemporary culture, not just for being an outstanding 

innovative musician but also as an artist, actor and designer. Bowie died 

on January 10 2016, after an 18 month battle with liver cancer. 

He released his last album, Black Star, on his 69th Birthday, 

it was released on 8 January 2016 ( 2 days before his death).

It is the extra Boxing Day holiday for many of us. I hope you are finding time to relax, recuperate and spend time with the people you love. I love the lady who has written today's post - Julie Drybrough. She is the founder and Managing Director of Fuchsia Blue Ltd. and is a woman of many talents - an organisational consultant, executive coach, facilitator, speaker, blogger (fuchsia blue blog) and dialogue guide - working with people and organisations to improve conversations, relationships and learning. She inspires people to follow her example and to do things with love.

I first met Julie via Twitter (her handle is @fuchsia_blue) and have subsequently grown to know her in real life. She is a feisty Scottish lass who has moved south to Manchester to live with the man she loves, although she can be found working both across the UK and around the globe. Another major love in her life is, Biba, the dog. She says it how she sees it, is creative, thoughtful, caring and great fun. She enjoys life to the full (be it literally climbing every mountain, photographing and sharing amazing vistas and unusual sights, partying with friends and trying what's available to expand her knowledge and experiences). Julie enhances the lives of many and it is a pleasure hosting her post today.

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On Darkness…..

2016?

What can I say?

In a year where all hell seems to have broken loose in the world, politically, socially, climatically and to be famous seemed to mean that Death had your name firmly in its sights, somehow personal reflections and seem inconsequential and unimportant.

And yet it is always at this time of year, in the darkest months at the point of solstice, that I most seem to need to stop, reflect, readjust, celebrate & consider. There can be peace in the gloom and the murk – a place to hide and be concealed and be… and it can be a scary place – darkness – a lonely place filled with terrors both imagined and real.

If I dwell on heart and heights and hopes – it is at this time of the year I seem to most acutely feel and acknowledge these.

I'm mostly irreligious... yet spiritual in my own way. If I err toward anything at this time of year is a sort of pseudo Pagany/Christiany sense of beginning and the need to appreciate that which is alive. I want to be moved by the tradition of carol singing. I want to feast and dance. I want to walk the dog in the bitter cold in barren woods near me and enjoy the green of holly against the brown sleeping ground. I want the warmth of the house to be welcoming after the cold outside. I want to understand my privilege at having a home, family, safety and not take that wholly for granted….

December in the northern hemisphere speaks to me of winter proper.

Things asleep yet to wake.

Long nights, which inevitably turn slowly toward the spring… turning points.

The dark banished with lights & fires as we strive to see and make beauty in the darkness.

The hope of light and the relief it brings.

Yule has its roots in the old-Nordic word ‘iul’ or the Anglo-Saxon ‘hweol’,
both meaning ‘wheel’, which points to the ever turning year
and natures cycle of life, death and rebirth.Add caption

The dark gap where loved ones, now gone, should be; the way those we love & care for lighten our lives.

I learned a few years ago how scared I was of the dark and how terrifying it is to be without a sense of light; the experience of profound loneliness and the way it hobbles and derails you… I tried, unsuccessfully, to run away from the dark, forcing positivity and trying to conjure light. But I was diminished and sad. I was afraid and alone. My capacity to create light for myself was tiny. 

Dale Grimshaw - street art, UK

My ability to fool myself was even smaller. It was only when I turned to others, asking for help to illuminate and when I began to face into the darkness - looked into my sadness and shame and fear, that things started to re-form.

So at this time of year – if you feel the melancholy or the loneliness or the sadness…. Just know that these are one part of the story – that even in the darkest moments there is the possibility of light. That you may need others to light your way, scary as that is… that it is only knowing the dark that allows us to appreciate the light.

I wish you and yours the very best for the season and for 2017 whether it be dark or light… and I pass on a gift that sticks with me at this time of year – David Whyte’s Sweet Darkness – in the hope you find some semblance of inspiration or understanding in the verse.

"SWEET DARKNESS"

When your eyes are tired

the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone,

no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark 

where the night has eyes

to recognise its own.

There you can be sure

you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your home

tonight.The night will give you a horizon

further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.

The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds

except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet

confinement of your aloneness

to learn

anything or anyone

that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

John Atkinson Grimshaw, oil painting UK, circa 1880

A Light at the end of My Tunnel - Day 47

Day 47 (16th January 2015)

47 has become an in-joke in Star Trek, making regular appearances in dialogue,
on computer screens and equipment. The practice originates with Joe Menosky,
a script writer, who was a member of the 47 Society as a student at Pomona College.

Today's post comes from an individual who would like to remain anonymous, as he does not want to upset members of his family and fears that his words might impact his job search. In the post he refers to the Anonymous author who wrote about their experiences on the 18th December. He was unaware of yesterday's post until reading it yesterday - there are some similarities, in that both have independent paths ahead. I would like to wish both writers a happy, successful and rewarding 2015.

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No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you'll find the positive side of things. 

If you are reading this I made it, I made it through 2014 - a year that I will never ever forget.

I have never wished for a year to end as much as this one. It is probably not right to wish away your life and/or years but, when you come to the end of this blog, I am sure you will understand where I am coming from. 

January started with where I left it in 2013 - Dad was in a nursing home suffering from dementia and was deteriorating daily. Although we had Christmas 2013 at my place and I managed to persuade the nursing home to let him out for Christmas, I and the family, were not game enough to do the same for New Year’s Day. Little would I know that that would be Dad’s last Christmas with us.

We had such a lovely time on Christmas Day 2013 and I recall I took a video (his last interview with me) with him telling me stories of the village and his younger days - you see, once Dementia hit, all Dad was able to remember was his youth - he recalled nothing of his life post his teens - his wedding day, his migration to a country on the other side of the world, the weddings of his two boys and the birth of his five grand children. Dad was not getting any better but he was managing because he was eating and sleeping.

Impact of Dementia on the brain

From a personal perspective 2014 started with the rumours that the Civil Service, as a result of changes in government, was to offer a huge number of voluntary redundancies.  The rumour was strong for my agency and was further confirmed by the fact that the HR department was to be targeted as part of a work re-design review and the notion that we were “top heavy”.

I had a lot to think about and ponder - do I jump and take this opportunity to cash in? Do I hang around and work in an area where I was starting to feel a little uneasy? Was this my chance to fulfil my dream of finally doing what I wanted to do? My age would be a factor, but I yearned to explore the bigger world of consulting and see what I could do on my own. Either way it was an opportunity to finally do what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it.

The path ahead

Mid February arrived and we had to make a decision - so I lodged my expression of interest - I will never forget the feeling that day - such a relief , such a weight was lifted off my shoulders, I already felt free even though there were months to go. I was confident of being successful, due to the thinking by the Executive that the HR department needed to be cut back - I knew I had a very good chance!

So as expected, knowing I had expressed an interest in a package, my heart was not in my current work and I managed to float for a month or so until the decision was made. Then, in early March, I heard  - I was told I would be offered a VR (Voluntary Redundancy) package and that the final date was not yet determined.

I started feeling excited - I had nothing lined up but similar to Anonymous on a pre-Christmas Advent Blog - I had confidence in my abilities, plus it was also time to smell the roses - I needed a break - after 32 years it was time to rest.  My youngest daughter was in the last months of her final year of high school - I could be there for her. Mum was needing some assistance with visiting Dad - I could be there for her. My heart yearned for a different life, foolish maybe, but my heart said it was right.

Time to smell the roses?

I was offered a May departure date and thus I worked towards that - I started making some connections, put some feelers out - not much coming back - maybe I should have spotted the warning signs and the writing was on the wall - but I was determined to go.

It was nearly my departure date in May and I visited Dad with my family.  He didn’t look great, he was not eating, he was hallucinating; he was in his own world - he hardly opened his eyes to see me. I left knowing that Dad was going downhill. In the morning I rang Mum and arranged to pick her up to visit Dad and be with him for his lunch. One thing we prided ourselves on as a family is that during the time Dad was in the nursing home he had a family visitor every day. He always had someone to chat to, see how he was and make sure he was fed and relaxed.

However, this day was going to be different. As we arrived and headed to his room, I saw Dad in a very bad way - he was not going to make it - he passed that day, in mid afternoon, but before he did he left us a sign.  As Mum and I were comforting him, he opened his eyes, looked at us, shed a few tears and then he let his last breathe go.  A moment I will never forget and so grateful to God that I was there to witness it - whatever it was, one thing is for sure, it was closure for all of us

So here I was planing a funeral whilst also clearing my desk, packing my possessions and bringing to an end a 32 year career of Public Service - it was a one of those “pinch me I am dreaming moments”. I do recall though a senior colleague of mine, who made an amazing comment, one which I thank her for today:

 “ Just think what a blessing your father has given you - he wants you to start your new life without a worry in the world, without a need to concern yourself with his daily care. He is setting you free from all his worries”

Once I reflected on it and really thought about it, it made sense. Dad was actually in his own way saying to me "son go on your way with my blessing - it is time for you to expand your wings and find your voice and passion".

We buried Dad - on a grey and drizzly day that suited the occasion - although it was a tough day, we had been mentally preparing for this day for the last two years.

That same week, my eldest son was moving out. Although we knew this was happening early in the year when they (he and his girlfriend) had made the decision to live together, the commitment to the new flat was for the same week as the funeral and thus the timing was not great - but how would they have known that? With all the emotion of Dad’s passing and my eldest son leaving our house, I broke down. In a moment of privacy, whilst others were packing boxes, I took some time to video myself in his room and recount the times I read him his bed time story after his bath, the times we did homework together, the times we put up the shelves in his room to hang his NBA caps. It all came flooding back and boy did I cry. I think I cried for a while thinking of how his grandfather, his namesake, loved him so much and was always so proud of what he had achieved. 

I was losing my two best mates in the same week! I pulled myself together and continued the packing and he moved in smoothly to his new home.

Very soon after Dad passed away, my spouse was undertaking some routine check ups and was asked to undergo a more thorough check up. I will not go into too much detail suffice to say that the next 6 months were hell - waiting, contemplating and taking a final decision.

This all on top of the last year of my daughter’s high school education. The most important academic year in my child’s life and she had to deal with her grandfather’s passing, her Dad leaving the workforce and now her mother going through a tough medical journey. I was worried for her and was concerned that these issues may distract her from reaching her optimal best. Well, I was proven wrong, not only did she overcome all these issues, she managed to do very well and we were all elated - to some extent one of the few shinning moments for the year!

So with the new year ahead, I am looking forward to ramping up my consultancy business and looking forward to making new connections and enhancing my PLN !

But more importantly, I am looking forward to being a son, a brother, a husband, and a father to my three beautiful children. 

So as my Annus Horribilis comes to an end I know there is a “little light” at the end of my tunnel - it is shinning bright and it is awaiting me to come through and receive its warmth.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I hope you enjoyed a Safe and Merry Christmas and here’s to a New Year that surely has to be better than 2014 !

D-Ream - Things Can Only Get Better

 Life can be very tough at times