The hopes of a lioness - Day 24

24th December 2018 (Christmas Eve)

24 is the number of karats (k) in pure gold (the gold content is as close to 100% as is possible).
If you split the content of the metal into parts all 24 parts are gold, whereas 9k gold objects are
9/24 ratio of gold to other metals. Gold is very soft and hence it is usually mixed with copper or
silver to add strength so that it can be used for jewelry or intricate objects. 24K gold is used
in electronics and medical devices such as those used for children suffering from ear infections who
are fitted with gold tympanostomy tubes that are known to improve aeration of the middle ear.

Today I am going with my mother and a friend to the panto (oh yes we are) - I hope we all enjoy it. It seems a suitably festive thing to do on Christmas Eve. Then I must drive back to London and I am greatly looking forward to having supper with my goddaughter and her family - to me the Christmas period is about love and sharing.

The Christmas Eve post, a piece of pure gold writing shining with love, is by Tamasin Sutton. She is an HR consultant, currently based in the North East of England. She specialises in supporting technology businesses. He company is TSHR Limited. She is an effective, pragmatic and experienced professional who is qualified in the use of various psychometric tools, as well as being an NVQ assessor with the PTTLS qualification. She co-founded Connecting HR Northeast in 2017 and works hard to bring together and develop the capabilities of the HR profession and the people within it - she is a Facilitator with Developing People Globally (DPG) supporting and assessing those studying for the CIPD Level 5 qualifications.

Tamasin is active on social media - you can follow her on Twitter (her handle is @TamasinS). To relax, Tamasin enjoys travelling, but she is happy to unwind with a gin and a chat. She is supportive within her wider community and is a school governor  for  primary school. However, as you will read, the most vital part of her life is being a devoted and passionate mother.

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This is my 3rd year of contributing to the Advent blogs, and the 3rd year I have indulged in being vulnerable to whoever reads these words. 

It's like therapy, something I dread, yet I feel strangely at peace when I have purged.

This time last year I was desperate to get out of hospital with my newborn little girl, and 4 days ago, she turned 1. When I reflect on this year, I feel overwhelmed. It has been unbelievably hard in so many ways. Motherhood is hard. I'm not a natural, not one of those earth mother types who gush about the joys of maternity leave and every day they spend with their precious mini me. But I have found my way, through sleep deprivation, difficulty breastfeeding, struggling to continue working and sometimes receiving lacklustre support of my choices. It's been hard. I think I lost myself, and I'm not back yet, despite my first KIT day being when she was 3 weeks old.  It's sometimes frowned upon to be so honest about the impact that childbirth and becoming a mother can have. I spent 40 years being, well, selfish. I could do as I pleased and enjoyed the flexibility that being child free afforded me. I didn't always fully empathise with the struggles that other carers had, but boy do I get it now. 

I feel my identity is a little blurred around the edges. I see it not just through my own eyes, but through the eyes of people close to me. Who am I and what do I want to be? I'm at odd's and in some distant way my heart aches for the life I used to have and I realise that I am trying to mourn. But my heart would break immeasurably if I couldn't see my beautiful daughter's smile, if I couldn't hold her and keep putting her unicorn furry hat back on even though she relentlessly removes it..... She gives me hope.

And I have dark thoughts. Consuming ones where my daughter comes to harm. What the hell is wrong with me?! It terrifies me. I cry, get distressed, have to distract myself. What's normal?

I cry. More than I've ever cried before. I feel more deeply than I've ever felt before. I get scared when before I didn't bat an eyelid. It all comes back to her, and for her I am the lioness. 

My hope for her is that she will always feel loved and be happy. 

As she enters her second year I look forward to the high fives as she takes more than 3 steps on her own (and then quickly wish that she wasn't growing up so fast or moving so independently!!), starts to entertain us with her chatter and keeps growing into the cheeky spirited girl I see every day. 

I hope that she adapts as we make our way back towards London in January, 2 years after moving away. What a different life we now have, but what hope there is for adventure, fun and most of all, making memories.

The glimmers of dawn... Day 43

Day 43 (Friday 12th 2018)

43 people witnessed Lee de Forest, an early radio pioneer, as he broadcast phonograph
records for the first-time over radio waves from the Eiffel Tower in Paris on the
12th January 1908. As this was early days for broadcasting, nobody had a receiver
to pick up the signals. Although there are claims that these signals were received over
500 miles away and it is hailed as the first public broadcast. These days wifi uses
radio waves to connect users to the internet, so those of us using wifi to read
this should thank Lee de Forest. The Eiffel Tower was used as a wireless station
for many years. The photograph shows Gustav Eiffel's apartment in the Eiffel Tower
where he entertained Thomas Edison amongst others.

Today I need to encourage my youngest to pack, as he returns to university in the north east of England this weekend. I know he is having a wonderful time when he is there, but it still makes me so sad when he goes away. Part of being a mother...

Tamasin Sutton, the author of today's post, also chose to be based in the north east - leaving London for Newcastle upon Tyne. Some of you may remember her post entitled "Holding On" published as an Advent Blog on New Year's Eve 2016 in which, amongst other things, she talked about the reasons for her move. She works as a freelance HR consultant, with her own business TSHR Limited. Tamasin has over 13 years in various HR management roles across private and public sector organisations. Then in 2014 she decided to establish her own consultancy. She specialises in supporting SMEs and their leaders and has some great feedback from clients. She is qualified in the use of various psychometric tools, as well as being an NVQ assessor with the PTTLS qualification. 

She cares about the HR profession and the people within it - she is a Facilitator with Developing People Globally (DPG) supporting and assessing those studying for the CIPD Level 5 qualifications, as well as having co-established with Melanie Cheung Connecting HR North East - which enables networking and events for HR, L&D and OD professionals in the region. Tamasin is active on social media - you can follow her on Twitter (her handle is @TamasinS). To relax, Tamasin enjoys travelling, but she is happy to unwind with a gin and a chat - although, as her final paragraph shows, she has new, exciting adventures ahead.

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This time last year I was in mourning. Suffering a loss I hadn't expected, I didn't want, and I didn't know how to process. I was conflicted, having made a move to the north east, seeing hope for a brighter year, maybe another defining year? Hopeful of a shift from the darkness to the dawn, but wondering if I could do that. Where would my professional life take me? How could I create something from scratch? Who did I know? Where on earth do I start?  You can read about my feelings from last year here.  

The darkness of the winter months consumed me, overtaking my thoughts, masking the glimmers of light, the dawn of a new era.  Perhaps that's too grand a descriptor, but for me, it feels pivotal. The despair, the longing, the grief for something so precious filled my nights with a darkness far more powerful than any eclipse of the sun. Like a few of the wonderful advent blogs relayed so far this series, people sometimes say insensitive or unhelpful things.  "it was for the best". "it wasn't viable". "it wasn't meant to be". It doesn't help. It doesn't help to dispel the darkness, or let you see the rise of the dawn, a new day, a new sense of hope. And how do you come back from that? How do you move on? Have I worked through this darkness? I don't know.... I was scared to look forward for a long time, to hope of a better outcome. I didn't expect to have these feelings.

Establishing professional connections in my new home town has been a challenge. London was easier, more open to the informal, the collaboration, new people. As I reflect on the last year I think about what I can do differently, more of, less of. I've met some fabulously passionate people in my region, one in particular, and she has become a partner in crime in helping to build a community. She provides glimmers of light when closed doors appear all around me. I am thankful for this partnership and for her unwavering passion for HR. It intrigues me that there is closure in many directions and I play a part in this. I can be easily put off when doors are closed, I wonder why people would be interested in speaking to me when they have so many established relationships already. But I then remember that I have something to give, I just need to channel it better, think about what is most important to me, stop the scatter gun effect.  How I respond to situations will make the difference.

I set out to do significant things this year, to build my business, spend time at home. Some of my plans have changed, they have needed to.  2017 was an opportunity for hope, for challenge, for love. 

And it delivered. As I lay on my bed with my precious baby girl on my chest (a whopping 9lb 11oz of her!) I am overwhelmed with love.  This is the dawn of a new stage in life. She is inquisitive, adorable and I am fascinated by every single thing that she does. She gives me something that I didn't even know I missed, or wanted. She is dependent on me, every day she discovers something new, and every day I see the dawn, and not just in the sense of early morning feeds!  Her smile is infectious, even at 13 days old. Her journey into the world was a stark contrast to the pregnancy, it was arduous, complex and unexpected.  Nothing prepares you for what is to come, or what can go wrong. But nothing else matters other than for that precious little person to be safe and healthy, even if you're left battered and bruised. Priorities shift and whilst the darkness still comes, especially at this time of great adjustment, the glimmers of dawn sparkle brightly, in glorious vivid colour, and I am truly thankful.

Renée

Holding On

Day 31 (Saturday 31st December 2016)

31st ever Summer Olympics officially opened in Maracana Stadium, Rio de Janeiro, 

Brazil, on August 5th 2016. We need fireworks on New Year's Eve! 

Another 31 that might appeal to many readers of this blog is a

 31% increase in base salaries for HR Managers in the UK during 2016 - 2nd highest salary 

increase (joint with Business Development Senior Managers) and topped by 

MarCom specialists and Corporate Bankers.

It is New Year's Eve. For those of you who are celebrating today, I wish you a wonderful end to 2016 and a great start to 2017. May the New Year prove a happy, healthy, enjoyable, memorable one, in which you achieve your goals, inspire others to do the same and find contentment. In my opinion, Tamasin Sutton has written a perfect post for New Year's Eve - reflective, candid and optimistic for the future. 

Although now a recognised as a "non fluffy" and highly effective HR professional, Tamasin commenced her career in retail, working for one of the UK's leading jewellery chains. In 2003 she changed path and commenced in HR - achieving a Masters in HRM at Bournemouth and establishing the HR function for a what was then a small insurance broking business, with two sites, in the south of England.  Since then she has worked in a number of sectors, usually establishing and managing teams, including housing, technology, business to consumer transportation and then as an independent consultant. Until recently, Tamasin was working and living in London (indeed she was my near neighbour in Brixton). As you will see from her post below, her life has changed again; she will have new challenges and opportunities to experience in the year to come. On the cusp of the year I am raising a glass of gin to Tamasin to wish her all success in 2017.

Tamasin is on Twitter (her handle is @TamasinS). She is an avid traveller (indeed she wrote and sent me her piece whilst on a trip in the USA just before Christmas).

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I've read the Advent blog series for the last few years and wanted to share, be as open and self effacing as others were. Push myself. I'm not one for being vulnerable in public and at many times in my life people have assumed they knew me, a different me from the person I really am. Someone critical, distant, perhaps even cold. Why is this relevant for my blog? Because it's been a tough year, and one where I have tried to show 'me' more than ever, sometimes successfully, other times I've missed the mark spectacularly.

This year has been filled with both personal as well as professional challenges. It's also had it's fair share of highs and at times, hollows. Deep dark hollows which have overwhelmed me and threatened to consume me whole. The gut wrenching ones where you just want to run and hide, cry, be with people you love and who love you back. Here's the problem sometimes.....it's really hard to be that vulnerable. I am so thankful for the people around me that I can be that vulnerable with, 

and I'm sorry to those who want to be there for me and I haven't let them in. It's the old cliché - it's not you, it's me....

Everyone has their challenges and so many people I love and care about have had so many ups and down this year - I'm not any different, except I feel that 2016 has been a defining year. A year which started with a long bedside vigil with my Nana, whom I had a sometimes difficult relationship with. She passed away in a great deal of pain, something that no person should ever have to endure. My loss was tempered by the elation of a new working relationship, supporting people in my profession to develop themselves. It was, and is, one of the best things to happen in my career. It has brought me joy, firing my passion for HR and doing great people stuff. It's given me opportunities in abundance to reflect and grow in my practice, all whilst battling the inherent self doubt in my capabilities. I've battled with exhaustion, with trying to help friends understand that it's not about them, the reason I can't meet up as much as I would like. I juggled with a more demanding (than I thought) contract to help transform a HR team. I was attracted by the challenge. I forgot to put me first and learn from previous experience. I've felt isolated, hollow, guilty for putting work first, knowing it was short lived, a light at the end of the tunnel.

This has been a year of change, one which is taking me well out of my comfort zone and out of London, back to the north. I'm excited, but equally sad to leave wonderful friends and a home I love. But what opportunity. What hope. As I have driven the vast distances in the US for the past few days I have reflected long and hard about my journey this year. About the highs, the hollows, the hope. One of the most difficult things in my life happened recently and as I drifted into a deep hollow, I drew on strength I didn't even know I had. It was the love and support from people I never expected. Their hearts were open and whilst the clock chimes, the Thames continues to flow, I stand still. 

But the love and support I have from those people give me hope for next year. Take a moment, at this time of year, to show people you appreciate them, and be kind to yourself. Find your joy and happiness. Mine is to be with the ones I love, embracing my never ending wander lust and being the best person I can be. I'll be holding on to hope and hearts.