Saturday, 15 December 2012

Seasonal Selections

In today’s highly litigious, politically correct work environment, I am not sure that the following Christmas icons would get the job if interviewed:

First candidate

Appearance:  Hirsute, overweight fellow, attired in an unorthodox, scarlet, fur-trimmed suit and black boots. 

Observations:  Given his probable body mass index and the fact that he clearly prefers to be sedentary (expecting people to come and see him in “a grotto”), I suspect that he might find the physical requirements of the role over demanding.  He declined to remove his hat during the meeting – probably a good thing as he did not appear to have brushed his hair.  He smelled faintly of alcohol and had what appeared to be crumbs of mince pie in his beard – I have concerns as to whether he presents a sufficiently professional image.  He likes animals (he keeps reindeer) but seemed to feel that it is appropriate to leave them unattended on house roofs and high buildings and to take them out for exercise just once a year (I suspect that the animal rights activists might have something to say about this).  His work-ethic is suspect - he stated that he was only prepared to work one day per annum – and that that had to be on the night shift.  In addition I am concerned by his response as to how he fills his time, he seemed to confess to breaking and entering and he says that he enjoys creeping into children’s bedrooms whilst they are in bed or else having them sit on his knee in his “grotto”, which sounds pretty grotty to me (and he appeared to find it funny – he kept saying “Ho ho ho”) – wonder if I should contact the police… 

Second candidate

Appearance:  Traditionally attired in a flowing Middle Eastern thawb; he came across as a slightly intolerant man, but, in his favour, he does have experience of working in hospitality. 

Observations:  He is clearly commercially minded (even to the extent of providing accommodation in excess of his specified room capacity – must check whether this could negate his business insurance).  I am concerned at his lack of understanding of potentially serious health and safety requirements, following his response that "there is nothing wrong with allowing a young couple to sleep out the back” if/when the hotel is full.  Of perhaps greater concern was his opinion that a new-born infant could be laid to rest in a manger – despite the regular media coverage of severe cases of E. coli infections in young children from bovine contact.  A manger, by definition, will be covered in cow drool and other insanitary deposits.  He also seems to be lax in his approach towards guest security and privacy – allowing total strangers (such as random shepherds and foreign kings) access to hotel residents without their prior consent.  Indeed, his willingness to adhere to rules and regulations in many areas is suspect – witness the impromptu party that was held by the angelic host (not to mention the noise and light pollution engendered by the star hanging over the place).

Third candidate

Appearance:  Arrived for the interview wearing only one shoe and in soot-stained torn garments – clearly not aware of the importance of first impressions. 

Observations: Nice girl but with slight delusions of grandeur.  She demonstrated a worrying “just-in-time” approach towards time-keeping and, as a result, has had to hurry in order to follow clear instructions (such as leaving premises before a specified time).  She confessed to being careless with possessions, especially those belonging to others (for example the missing shoe, which had been loaned to her by her god mother).  Given the animosity felt towards her by the people with whom she lives (two step sisters and her step mother), we should perhaps look further into her manner of interacting with others (there’s no smoke without a fire, as they say).  Perhaps most worrying is her unrealistic and potentially psychotic view of the world – she is convinced of the existence of fairies, “who can make everything work out for the best” (rather than achieving goals through her own efforts) and she has a peculiar attitude towards rodents - believing that mice can talk and that both they and rats make good footmen and coach attendants (clearly ridiculous, given their size) – it is probably prudent to refer her to a medical expert for psychological assessment.

More to follow…..

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