Mindful reflection - Day 46

Day 46 (Monday 15th January 2018)

46% of people suffering from a mental health problem also have a long-term physical
health problem and 30% of people with a long-term physical health problem also have
a mental health problem. Monday 15th January 2018 has been calculated as this year's
Blue Monday (the "most depressing day of the year".) The concept was devised by a
travel firm, Sky, in 2005 as part of an advertising campaign, but the concept has
been perpetuated by the media. A combination of factors such as period after the festive fun,
levels of personal debt, hours of daylight and weather are all included in a pseudo-scientific
calculation to determine Blue Monday's date. [W + (D-d)] x T^Q} ÷ [M x N_a], with ‘W’ standing
for weather, ‘D’ standing for debt, ‘d’ standing for monthly salary, ‘M’ for motivational levels
and ‘Na’ standing for the feeling of a need to take action. In fact, people suffering from
depression are not simply triggered into poor mental health by a date, people suffer at any
and all times of the year and there is no scientific basis to Blue Monday. This year the
Samaritans are turning Blue Monday into Brew Monday and simply encouraging people to talk. 

My son is safely returned to Durham and I have headed further north, to meet with a colleague who works across The Border. It is probable that he thinks of me as a Sassenach, but I actually think of myself as a Scot, despite living in London. My heart always sings as I cross the Border and many of the happiest times in my life have been alone, surrounded by awe inspiring scenery and wildlife or with family and friends near where my grandmother was born and where she returned to live near the end of her life. I must confess that I am looking forward to Burn's Night a bit later this month. It's fun to have an excuse to go out and celebrate.

Today's post is by Ian Pettigrew - a person who deserves to be celebrated. I am blessed to call Ian my friend and we have also done work together and travelled to Uganda together as part of the inaugural Connecting HR Africa team that worked with and for the charity Retrak that supports street children. Ian is Chair of the Board of Retrak and just last week the charity became part of the Hope for Justice Family (the charity Hope for Justice undertakes work to combat modern slavery and trafficking - both huge dangers for vulnerable street children). As you will see from his post, Ian lives a busy but fulfilling life. If you don't already, I urge you to connect with him on Twitter (his handle is @KingfisherCoach) or else read his blogs on his business site: Kingfisher Coaching. Ian cares deeply about people and is a superb coach with a talent for helping others to build upon their strengths.

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It feels very self-indulgent for me to work out loud in reflecting on my year, but here goes…

2017 got off to a dreadful start on 1st January 2017 when our beautiful dog, Jake, collapsed and died on his afternoon walk aged just 5. If you know me, then you’ll know how attached I was to Jake and how I loved our long walks in Happy Valley. I was devastated to lose him so soon.




I was so touched by an outpouring of kindness from people and I was really moved when Simon Heath sent me a drawing of Jake.

After a few months of being a dog-less household, we took the plunge and another Border Collie, a little fluffy bundle of joy called Buddy arrived into our lives. I say bundle of joy, but I think he’s actually 10% Border Collie and 90% Monkey. He’s been a nightmare; being really disobedient and not really developing any connection with us. But, hard work and affection has paid off and he’s turned into a really lovely, loving dog. It is great to have Buddy although I miss Jake loads and I still can’t bring myself to walk in Happy Valley, as it doesn’t feel happy any more.

My other key reflection on 2017 is that is has been stupidly busy and I’ve worked far too hard. I’ve got three main things that I do; my work (Kingfisher Coaching), being chair of a charity (Retrak), and being a lay minister (a ‘Reader’) in the Church of England. In 2017, I’ve had a lot of times where it has felt like I’ve had full-on busy days of work work, then evenings doing charity work, and weekends doing church work. That’s why I’ve been quieter on Twitter; I have a level of busyness above which social media begins to feel like an unhelpful distraction. Top this off with an ongoing knee problem (which means I still can’t run) and a willingness to use my level of busyness as an excuse to put off some things I didn’t really fancy doing (e.g. writing and going to the gym!), and I’ve been a little frustrated with 2017.

Despite my frustration, my year doesn’t really qualify as darkness and I’m aware of the multitudes of people who have had terrible years and would very gladly swap for a year where their dog died and they worked too hard.

And if I’m being really, really honest with myself (and with you); I’m more frustrated with myself than I am with 2017. Because I feel like I’ve been a bit of a hypocrite this year. As I read what I’ve written above, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve helped people deal with the kind of frustrations I’ve described. I’ve helped loads of people:

•   to accept that bad stuff happens

•   to overcome irrational thought processes

•   to appreciate that you can’t work too hard all of the time

•   to realise that you can do anything but you can’t do everything

•   not to get lulled into a false perspective and lose sight of the big picture

•   to appreciate that self-care is not selfish

I enjoy working hard, I care about being professional, and I’m ambitious (not about image, status, or money but about impact) so it is important that I apply what I know.

The dawn? As I reflect on this year, work has been brilliant; I love what I do, I get to make a big impact, and I’m doing what I’m best at and what I care about. It does feel like I’m getting paid to do my hobby and this year, I’ve been joined by a full-time Project Administrator which frees me up to do more of what I’m best at. It is an honour to do what I do with Retrak, we’re making great progress in transforming the lives of street children, and another team of amazing people came to Uganda for the 2nd Connecting HR Africa trip (subsequently joining the people from the first trip in becoming amazing ambassadors and supporters!). And I feel similarly fulfilled in my work at Church.




In terms of practicing what I preach, there’s two other things I’ve said to load of people this year and I’ve not really said to myself:

•   There’s a name for people who struggle with this kind of stuff: human

•   Cut yourself some slack

As 2018 dawns, I’ll continue to work to ‘practice what I preach’ and when I don’t, I’ll remind myself that I am only human and I will cut myself some slack!

Here’s to 2018!

Full hearted

Day 20 (Tuesday 20th December 2016)

20-month survey of the planet Jupiter to be undertaken by

the Juno (the NASA spaceprobe), which entered the planet's orbit on July 5th 2016.

Juno's mission is to measure Jupiter's composition, gravity field, magnetic

field and polar magnetosphere as well as trying to determine how the planet

was formed.

It gives me a great pleasure to host this blog, written by Donna Hewitson. She is an amazing lady with whom I had the privilege of sharing a room when we were both in Uganda, as part of Connecting HR Africa this September. Donna is an award winning HR professional (she picked up the BII's National Innovation in Training Award - Professional Trainer of the Year 2016). Donna is an independent People Consultant and the Director of People Stuff Matters. She writes interesting blogs (on life, travels and work) - both her Twitter handle (@PubDonna) and her blog (PubDonna.com) indicate her career roots. She has a passion for hospitality and leisure and an exceptional talent for knowing what needs to be done to make a business and the people within it thrive.

As well as being an exceptional business woman, Donna is an inspirational person to be with and to learn from. If you want a master class in gins she is your woman (I know thanks to an impromptu gin tasting at Gatwick airport, when our flight was delayed by four hours). If you want a masterfully designed and delivered piece of training that resonates with all attendees, she can do it. If you just want to chat, mull over an issue and put the world to rights, there is nobody better. This year she has made me laugh, helped me cry and encouraged me to think. As you will see from her below post, Donna has not had a conventional route to her now very successful career. However, it is usually those who are comfortable being different who have the capacity to really stand head and shoulders above the rest of us.

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Full hearted

In 2015 I achieved my career dream. After 20+ years of working my arse off, I had reached the heady heights of the position I coveted most. I had so many expectations of how it would be, how I would feel; all of them wrong.

How could this be? Everyone I knew who did a similar job seemed so content, happy in their work, fulfilled. Why did I not feel the same?

Over all these years, I thought that when I had reached the top of my professional ladder I would calm it down a bit. Less of the 60+hrs a week, more family time. More me time. That didn't happen either.

There was something missing.

But what? I have the best man in my life, we have a lovely house, the mortgage is paid off, we travel loads, have the most brilliant friends and we both have well paid jobs. Life is good. I am incredibly grateful for all we have, for all we have worked so hard for.

But still, I could sense a hollow inside.

Things were important to me. After a childhood in Foster Care and then being told I was ready to live "independently" from the age of 16, I've wanted so many things. Things I couldn't afford, things beyond my position in society, things that many took for granted, things I wasn't qualified for. As soon as I was able, I started to acquire all of the things I had dreamed about when I was fresh-faced into the big scary world.

Still, I wasn't complete.

In April 2016, unbeknown to me at the time, I applied to be a part of something life-changing. I applied to join the Connecting HR Africa team for a week of volunteering to use our professional skills to coach, develop and train the leadership team of a magnificent charity, Retrak, to enable them to be better equipped to make a difference to the lives of street children in Kampala. There were so many reasons why I applied and I blogged about them back then.

What did we do in Kampala that filled the gap in my heart?

With the children, we:

• Played

• Played some more

• Read stories, comics and heard songs they had written

• Made masks, drew pictures, made loom bands, coloured in books

• Chatted about anything and everything

• Listened

• Helped with the cooking and serving of lunch

• Participated in a big outreach to street kids living around the slums; this involved social workers, outreach workers and us pairing up to approach the street children, interact with them, listen to their stories and understand how we could help them.

We heard their reasons for running away:

• Physical and emotional abuse. Being beaten by their mother or step-mother. Community Chiefs actively encourage beating children to instil discipline.
• Family breakdown. Father had two wives. Father had died and both wives were ran out from the village. There was no-one to look after this young boy. 12 years old, he was.
• Wanting an education. One boy wanted to go to school, learn enough, graduate and be a lawyer. A rich one. He wasn’t able to receive this education in his village and has run away to the city in the hope to get on a programme.
• Sexual abuse. Gang leader’s initiations involve the requirement to perform sex acts or have sex with the gang leader. If you do not conform, you are beaten incredibly badly. Sometimes the punishment is worse than a beating.

With the staff, we used our skills to deliver personal effectiveness sessions to all of Retrak’s centre teams. This was followed by leadership development and coaching for the senior team:

• Ian led on Resilience

• Amy & Lisa shared approaches for giving Feedback (a role play with Sophie and myself included)

• 

Teamwork and Values-Based Leadership was delivered by Alice

• 

• GROW Model facilitated by Kate

• I wrapped up the session demonstrating the impact of appreciation

We held

• 121’s
• coaching sessions

We are providing

• On-going commitment to support

We made a sustainable difference to so many people during our week together and we formed bonds and friendships that will last forever.

I realised what was missing for me all these years. It wasn't enough to prove to others that I could achieve my dreams from a bit of a false start. It wasn't enough to fill my life with things. What I needed to do was help affect the quality of life for other people, to be there, listen, understand and guide, where I could, to assist in positive life choices. 

Donna had this tattoo done to commemorate her time in Uganda
each star represents a member of the team who were with her

Returning from Uganda, I continued volunteering and became the Ambassador for 3 more charities.

For the first time in my life, I have a full heart. I am complete.

Give and Take

Now back on UK soil, I will post a couple of blogs that were written in Uganda – the Wi-Fi at our hotel in Kampala was intermittent and very unreliable and, not surprisingly, there was none in the centres with the children, so, after 5 hours of trying late into the night, I decided to wait until I was back in the luxury of London before publishing. The following is my observations on the centres and our times spent with the children and staff.

The Connecting HR Africa team, standing on the shore of Lake Victoria
with Chris from Retrak, our guide and friend
We are, from left to right: Sophie, Ian, Katrina, Lisa, Donna, Helena, Kate (me), Alice, Amy, Julia and Laura

We are nearing the end of Connecting HR Africa’s trip to Uganda, where we have spent time working with the staff of Retrak and supporting street children; the word that everyone keeps using to describe our experience here is “amazing”. Since last Sunday we have seen and participated in many extraordinary events and activities (staff learning forums and one-to-one meetings, slum visits, art and craft sessions with the children, some wonderful discussions with the inspirational and extraordinary people who care for the children on a daily basis, we have participated in football and volley ball matches, 

Playing volleyball at Clubhouse

met up with fellow HR professionals for a networking evening (the birth of Connecting HR Kampala), 

Inaugural meeting of Connecting HR Kampala

and danced simply for the love of it, basking in the companionship of those around us in the sun and rain in Africa.

Dancing in the rain in Africa, at Clubhouse, the 1st Retrak centre

We have had a lot of fun, but, more importantly, we have held meaningful conversations with the potential to influence lives for the better, and done things that have had a genuine impact on others much less materially fortunate than ourselves.

Donna and friends at Clubhouse

Members of Connecting HR (Katrina, Helena, Amy, Ian and Julia) and girls at Bulamu

Lisa helping boys to read

It is worth noting that, for the main part, the people we met (unless desperate on or just off the streets) were more content in their skins than most of us are in the West – the pace, pressure and rush of life is in a different gear in Uganda – local people refer to “Uganda Time”, which is a reflection of their being relaxed and accepting. It’s OK to turn up late to a restaurant or a networking event, what is more important is to have a genuine connection and productive discussion

Boys playing and making bunting at Tuda, helped by Sophie, Alice, Lisa and Helena

or experience once you are together. The outcome is more important than the route, but you should enjoy the view when on the journey.

Some of the Connecting HR Africa team enjoying the sunset
on the bus back to our hotel

Ugandan village near the rainforest

Fields of sugar cane

Each of us in the Connecting HR Africa team has gained a better appreciation of Uganda, its people and customs. Of equal importance for each of us is that we have learned things about ourselves. We have been fortunate to share experiences that have altered the way we view our world. In my case, it has crystallised my appreciation of the importance of legacy and the value of paying it forwards and it has made me slow down and enjoy the moment. I have also started to learn that it is OK to be me and that I am not unworthy of being liked. 

Me being presented with my necklace by a 5 year old little girl
(What makes a 5 year old run away from home)

For many complex reasons, I have never liked myself much, as people I love dearly often told me that I was a failure in their eyes and that whatever I did was never good enough. While away with Connecting HR Africa, I was able to accept that others appreciated me simply for who I am. So, on a personal level Uganda has been transformational.

Some of the outstanding Retrak staff (Timothy, Jackie and Juliette) relaxing with me

There is no doubt that we have given something of value to a few – I read a book to a delightful eight year-old girl – her friend quietly informed me, although it was obvious, that her little companion did not speak English. However, we found that we could both interact in that universal language of making silly animal noises whilst looking at pictures. With much giggling we pointed at farmyard creatures and imitated the sounds they make, I then told her the name in English and she repeated it. It was clear that she understood, because when she saw the same animal later in the book she pointed at it and said “Dog”, or whatever it was. I believe she learned 7 new words while she and I were sitting in the welcome shade by the wall of the girls' dormitory, and our mutual chortles (as we both quacked like ducks and bleated like sheep) did us both good. She needs to be able to speak and read English if she is to rise above her disadvantages going forwards.

Reading together - "quack, quack! Duck"

Although the youngsters in Bulamu (Retrak’s girls-only centre in Kampala) were vocal in their frequently avowed affection for all of us, they seemed to make a particular fuss of me – shy little hands slipping into mine, furtive smiles, personalised drawings

and loom-band bracelets offered with a smile, and then the honour of being, not only the first person called to the dance floor, but also the first person to be presented with the very attractive necklace that they had made (one for each of us) as a farewell gift. 

I suspect my dancing made them laugh (I’m not graceful at the best of times and when dancing can resemble a grinning elephant swaying to the beat) and the other interest was most likely due to my being the oldest in our group and hence culturally deserving of respect, but for me it was a learning to try and accept being the centre of attention (I tend to shine the light on others and am uncomfortable being in the glow).

The girls’ centre made all of us think – their behaviour was so different from that of the boys. They were light fingered, slipping pens and pots of nail varnish into pockets and under sashes. They were watchful and at times scheming or openly squabbling with others – trying to manipulate situations to their personal advantage and surreptitiously taking things off their fellows, seeking to be given anything regardless of use or value, or stealing it if they thought we weren’t looking – even the most simple items like stickers, elastic bands and thread. 

Katrina helping children draw on paper plates

A scramble for loom bands

We had been told that, in many ways, the girls had had more traumatic experiences than the boys. All the ones we met had endured horrific situations, you could see it in their eyes and their disinclination to make genuine connections (the majority of them had been trafficked, suffered rape and physical/mental abuse; many had been detained in domestic servitude and reduced to working as slaves for strangers) – all of the girls at the centre had been handed into Retrak’s care by the police.

The girls at Bulamu

I suspect that the police involvement might be part of the explanation for the marked contrast in the girls’ behaviour versus the boys’. We had two former UK police officers in the Connecting HR Africa group (one had been an expert in domestic violence and the other in youth issues and child support). Talking with each of them, they confirmed that being in police custody could prove an additional stress factor impacting on an individual – the girls were needing to overcome multiple trauma, as well as the societal expectations that they, as women, should be sending money home to support their families back in their villages (often the reason for their being trafficked in the first place) – no wonder they felt the need to grab what they could. Donna and I ran a jewellery making session and little hands grabbed and snatched at loom bands, like gannets swooping on fish. 

Donna and I were not as talented as the girls at making bracelets, but we watched and learned.

Donna also noted that girls were more violent when inspecting her tattoos – pinching and hurting her, while the boys just touched and wanted to know if it was real. 

Tattoos are uncommon in Uganda - they are mostly seen on TV or in the media on celebrities. Many of the children wanted to know if Donna was famous or an artist, the girls almost seemed jealous of her and so surreptitiously took the opportunity to hurt her while appearing interested.

I know from running change programmes at work that success often depends on people feeling that they have the freedom to make a choice as to their future. Learning has to start with self and the desire to change. At the boys’ centre, Clubhouse, the majority of children had arrived via outreach activities on the streets and in the slums. Of the 80 who followed us back to the centre on Monday (for lunch and a snooze away from the dangers of the streets) 5 had chosen to remain at Retrak when we returned to the centre on the Friday. They had had a right to decide as to whether to be in the centre (which entailed an agreement to abide by centre rules – no drugs, blades or unacceptable behaviour and a commitment to wanting to change, ideally to going home to be reunited, but supported, within their own family). In Tuda, the second boys’ centre at which we spent time, the boys had been with Retrak for longer and understood and wanted to be part of the centre’s life – living according to Christian values. They willingly helped cook, clean and do things for others.

Boys cooking lunch at Clubhouse
(NB building behind is having its leaking roof repaired)

One little lad had lost his leg, but he was proactively helped to join in the dancing. 

They watched out for each other and were relaxed in their skins. In contrast, having been placed in the Retrak centre by the police, I believe that the girls felt that they had been deprived of their freedom to choose – it’s not a genuine choice to be told that it is either police custody (often incarcerated with adults in a crowded cell, where awful things happen) or else to be enclosed in a centre run by a charity. In the boys’ centres they were free to leave at any time. In contrast, the girls were in a secure unit with a security guard on the gate – it was for their own protection, but may not have felt that way. Girls are more vulnerable and occasionally adults have tried to enter to take advantage of them. Perhaps I am over-reading the situation – the difference in behaviour might just have been a reflection of the depth of abuse that the girls had had to endure prior to reaching the haven of Retrak. However, what could not be ignored was the passion and care of the staff in all the centres, working tirelessly to try to create an environment in which the children could thrive and have a future.

The nurse at Clubhouse

The cooks at Bulamu

Uganda Retrak Staff Top Team at L&D session at Head Office
Florence, the inspirational CEO, is addressing us

Alice with Charles (it was his 2nd week working at Retrak)
Charles shares a name and age with my eldest son.

With all the privileges we enjoy and take for granted in our day-to-day lives, it was humbling to see children so clearly delighted by the most simple of things. We sang, we danced, we drew, we played – all things that should be part of every childhood. Some generous friends of mine had donated toy cars and the boys at Tuda lined up behind a rail, almost like receiving communion, to be handed a small vehicle each. 

Their joy was tangible – no squabbling and no “your car is bigger than mine” fights. I have never seen a group of boys so delighted by such a simple gesture. It was an honour, in even a small way, to make these people’s lives better and see them smile.

I would like to thank all of you who have supported the trip – every penny that you have donated does make a difference. If you would like to donate now, here is a link to my JustGiving site. Many Ugandans live off US $1 per month, so the amount we have raised so far will feed and sustain lots of children. It costs £105 to educate a child for a year and £8 for them to have a proper medical check-up. However, it was clear from being on site in Uganda that the charity would benefit from more support. I think a second girls’ centre – one that girls could elect to move to if they wished to progress according to Retraks’ values and goals (similar to Tuda for the boys) would make a huge difference. Clubhouse, the boys’ centre near the slums, only has 25 beds – we had 80 additional boys join us at lunchtime on Monday – what if they all had decided that they wanted to stay?

A 25 bed boys' dorm

It is estimated that there are 10,000 children on the streets in Uganda – 6,000 of which are in Kampala. We are in the fortunate position that we have plenty and hence can help. However, it’s not just money, the staff said that the thing that made the biggest difference for them was that we, as a group of HR professionals, wanted to share our skills, get down and dirty, understand their issues and help. 

L&D session lead by Amy and Lisa at Retrak Uganda Head Office

I gather that most visiting groups just want to gawp at the children and have photos taken with them. I fear the girls at Bulamu felt that they had to lay on a show for us, but they did sing and dance so well.

My next post will touch on our experiences with the staff and our ability to make connections.

Staff attending a training session at Tuda

I am proud to be part of a group who can honestly say that they have made a difference and I know, from the feedback that we have already been given, that the Connecting HR Africa trip is viewed as having been a success for Retrak. There will be future excursions. Perhaps what I have said has inspired you to wish to be involved. If you want to know more, drop me or any of the others a line.