Dawning through the dark - Day 4

Day 4 (Wednesday 4th December 2018)

May the Fourth be with you

Today I am spending with my industry regulator undertaking what they describe as a "culture sprint". The intention is for us to devise ways in which we can make Financial Services an environment in which people feel comfortable speaking out when they are concerned and/or if they see something that should be stopped or changed.  Cultures of blame, fear and hierarchy are increasingly being proven to be harmful to all working within them and research shows that this is also true for customers, clients and the wider community. Perhaps my day ahead is what triggered me to post this piece, which was first seen in December last year. I know that the author has had a turbulent year full of change and challenge. The way she copes and the amount she achieves on behalf of and for others is inspiring. In accordance with this year's Advent Blog themes - I would like to award her a "High Five" - she has and is experiencing "Heartache" but there is "Hope" for the future.

She is extraordinarily caring - I should know because I have seen her in action: encouraging desperate children living on the streets in Uganda and supporting the staff trying to help them turn their lives around; doing mad things that she hates doing, in order to raise funds for the charities she supports (Retrak, Team Margot and the Anthony Nolan). I am also privileged to have her as part of my team and to see, on a daily basis, her skill in helping people learn and achieve their potential; she possesses and extraordinary ability to enhance individual lives. Her name is Donna Hewitson. Following a tough childhood, spending her teenage years in foster care, she came into HR when her talent with people was spotted whilst she was working in an operational role behind a bar. If you want to know more, read the article published in HR Magazine about her last November. Her career success is entirely due her own determination, natural skill and attitude. She is active on social media (her Twitter handle reflects her roots: @PubDonna). 

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This year has challenged me in ways I never expected. I have had to adapt, change and morph into the next incarnation of me; a bit like the new Doctor Who (I’ve never seen it, but I get the drift).

I have still not yet developed into the next person I need, or want, to be. But, I know what that will look like, and feel like, to me.

How do I see the person who saw out 2016? I see someone who was so focussed on filling the gap in their soul, it became all encompassing. Not “A” gap, “The” gap. It was deep, so deep-rooted, that I’m not sure if I truly knew who I was, or wanted to be. When I found myself in that space, I defaulted to the “it’ll be fine, it’s just a dip, it will get better.” It had to, didn’t it? What were my options otherwise?

September 2016 changed all that and guided me onto a new path, in a totally different direction, a path, on which, I can say I feel truly complete. Even if, at times, it feels like I’m travelling the wrong way up a one-way street.

My brain is odd. It is constantly going at a gazillion miles per hour; do this, sort that, always say yes and work out the “how” after. Always thinking “what next, what can I do bigger, bolder, stronger, better, how can I make my life, our life, better, what difference can I make to the world we live in?” If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, so what? That kind of stuff. It’s fair to say that it’s never a dull moment “up there”. But it weighs. Heavily. I spend so much of my time seeking to understand the troubles and challenges of others, and stretching myself to find a solution, that I forget about me. And then it comes. The dark descends, and it envelops all of me. 

But my face cannot change, I will not allow for others to see the impact of, metaphorically, the rocks I’ve been gifted weighing down the backpack I’m carrying. Then the mask slips and “ta da”, I find myself vulnerable with other people seeing the darker side of me.

I’m OK with that now. It’s important. With the best will in the world, maintaining the expected face all the time is a big old ask. Impossible.

I cried at work today. Twice. That’s OK. It’s also OK for other people to see me showing emotion. The reason for me being so emotional today? Someone showed, quite publicly, appreciation. I find this hard to accept. When I relayed to hubby, he immediately said WTF? You don’t cry. 16yrs we’ve been together, and he’s not seen “that face” often. This face I have suppressed for many years, but a wise and wonderful lady taught me it was, indeed, “cool to cry”.

Friends who know it's #CoolToCry

I am not a machine. I now express my emotions, I do speak freely, and directly (it’s not to everyone’s liking), I operate very efficiently and, for the most part, can keep my shit in check. There are times, however, when I am not able to. I don’t want to. I recognise this and I’m OK with it. It weirds me out, but I’m really thankful, for the first time in my life, I am able to me. Truly me.

I have many faces (thanks to Phil Willcox for educating me on this subject) and it is for me to choose which face I show. I can mask it, or share it. I choose the latter. The response from people who constantly tell me how strong I am, how inspirational my story is, the good I’m doing equal those people, who know me well, who express concern, tell me stop, slow down, take time for me.

What concerns me? I know it will not all be plain sailing and I’m sure that I will get burned sharing so much of me. I am vulnerable, I will be susceptible, and I will get turned over. I have spent years protecting myself and had built a fortress around my heart. 

It will take time to unpick, unlearn, re-learn and build confidence. I am thankful to have the most brilliant people around me, who trust me, believe in me and afford me the space to be me. All of me. The good, the great, the bad and the downright shite. How I respond, and not react, will make the difference of whether I see the start of the darkness descending or the beginning of a new dawn.

Nina Simone singing "Feeling Good"

A dawning through the dark - Day 13

Day 13 (Wednesday 13th December 2017)

13 is known as a "Baker's Dozen". 
There is a traditional festive tale, originating in Dutch colonial New York, 
about Van Amsterdam the baker, famous for his honesty and his St Nicholas cookies.
However, he was pedantic - giving customers exactly what they asked for, nothing more and 
nothing less. He is cursed by a crone for declining to give her 13 cookies when she requested
a dozen on St Nicholas' feast day. Over a year his business dwindles and fails. However, after dreaming 
of St Nicholas' generosity and a further visit from the crone, the baker mends his ways and 
from henceforth gives 13 cookies when asked for a dozen. Other bakers emulated him and hence the 
"Baker's Dozen" became a term. The phrase "Baker's Dozen" actually originates from medieval law 
that specified the weight of loaves, to avoid punishment bakers would offer an extra loaf to ensure that t
he required weight was met. Illustration by Wendy Edelson in "The Baker's Dozen: A Saint Nicholas Tale"

I had an amazing day yesterday - a day of personal learning about myself and others followed by chairing a Committee on Quality of Patient Care and patient, community and worker Engagement in London. The evening was humbling, hearing how the staff and medical professionals at two of London's leading hospitals (and the wider Trust of which they are part) are raising standards and rising to the challenges of the current environment - cash is tight, patient numbers are increasing, the pressure on people working at the Trust is immense, and yet they remain constant, focused and dedicated to providing appropriate care for those in need. An example to us all.

Today's blogger is also extraordinarily caring - I should know because I have seen her in action: encouraging desperate children living on the streets in Uganda and supporting the staff trying to help them turn their lives around; doing mad things that she hates doing, in order to raise funds for the charities she supports (Retrak, Team Margot and the Anthony Nolan). I am also privileged to have her as part of my team and to see, on a daily basis, her skill in helping people learn and achieve their potential, and her ability to enhance individual lives. Her name is Donna Hewitson. Following a tough childhood, spending her teenage years in foster care, she came into HR when her talent with people was spotted whilst she was working in an operational role behind a bar. If you want to know more, read the article published in HR Magazine about her this November. Her career success is entirely due her own determination, natural skill and attitude. She is active on social media (her Twitter handle reflects her roots: @PubDonna) and she writes an excellent blog: PubDonna.com. 

**************************

This year has challenged me in ways I never expected. I have had to adapt, change and morph into the next incarnation of me; a bit like the new Doctor Who (I’ve never seen it, but I get the drift).

I have still not yet developed into the next person I need, or want, to be. But, I know what that will look like, and feel like, to me.

How do I see the person who saw out 2016? I see someone who was so focussed on filling the gap in their soul, it became all encompassing. Not “A” gap, “The” gap. It was deep, so deep-rooted, that I’m not sure if I truly knew who I was, or wanted to be. When I found myself in that space, I defaulted to the “it’ll be fine, it’s just a dip, it will get better.” It had to, didn’t it? What were my options otherwise?

September 2016 changed all that and guided me onto a new path, in a totally different direction, a path, on which, I can say I feel truly complete. Even if, at times, it feels like I’m travelling the wrong way up a one-way street.

My brain is odd. It is constantly going at a gazillion miles per hour; do this, sort that, always say yes and work out the “how” after. Always thinking “what next, what can I do bigger, bolder, stronger, better, how can I make my life, our life, better, what difference can I make to the world we live in?” If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, so what? That kind of stuff. It’s fair to say that it’s never a dull moment “up there”. But it weighs. Heavily. I spend so much of my time seeking to understand the troubles and challenges of others, and stretching myself to find a solution, that I forget about me. And then it comes. The dark descends, and it envelops all of me. 

But my face cannot change, I will not allow for others to see the impact of, metaphorically, the rocks I’ve been gifted weighing down the backpack I’m carrying. Then the mask slips and “ta da”, I find myself vulnerable with other people seeing the darker side of me.

I’m OK with that now. It’s important. With the best will in the world, maintaining the expected face all the time is a big old ask. Impossible.

I cried at work today. Twice. That’s OK. It’s also OK for other people to see me showing emotion. The reason for me being so emotional today? Someone showed, quite publicly, appreciation. I find this hard to accept. When I relayed to hubby, he immediately said WTF? You don’t cry. 16yrs we’ve been together, and he’s not seen “that face” often. This face I have suppressed for many years, but a wise and wonderful lady taught me it was, indeed, “cool to cry”.

Friends who know it's #CoolToCry

I am not a machine. I now express my emotions, I do speak freely, and directly (it’s not to everyone’s liking), I operate very efficiently and, for the most part, can keep my shit in check. There are times, however, when I am not able to. I don’t want to. I recognise this and I’m OK with it. It weirds me out, but I’m really thankful, for the first time in my life, I am able to me. Truly me.

I have many faces (thanks to Phil Willcox for educating me on this subject) and it is for me to choose which face I show. I can mask it, or share it. I choose the latter. The response from people who constantly tell me how strong I am, how inspirational my story is, the good I’m doing equal those people, who know me well, who express concern, tell me stop, slow down, take time for me.

What concerns me? I know it will not all be plain sailing and I’m sure that I will get burned sharing so much of me. I am vulnerable, I will be susceptible, and I will get turned over. I have spent years protecting myself and had built a fortress around my heart. 

It will take time to unpick, unlearn, re-learn and build confidence. I am thankful to have the most brilliant people around me, who trust me, believe in me and afford me the space to be me. All of me. The good, the great, the bad and the downright shite. How I respond, and not react, will make the difference of whether I see the start of the darkness descending or the beginning of a new dawn.

Nina Simone singing "Feeling Good"

Full hearted

Day 20 (Tuesday 20th December 2016)

20-month survey of the planet Jupiter to be undertaken by

the Juno (the NASA spaceprobe), which entered the planet's orbit on July 5th 2016.

Juno's mission is to measure Jupiter's composition, gravity field, magnetic

field and polar magnetosphere as well as trying to determine how the planet

was formed.

It gives me a great pleasure to host this blog, written by Donna Hewitson. She is an amazing lady with whom I had the privilege of sharing a room when we were both in Uganda, as part of Connecting HR Africa this September. Donna is an award winning HR professional (she picked up the BII's National Innovation in Training Award - Professional Trainer of the Year 2016). Donna is an independent People Consultant and the Director of People Stuff Matters. She writes interesting blogs (on life, travels and work) - both her Twitter handle (@PubDonna) and her blog (PubDonna.com) indicate her career roots. She has a passion for hospitality and leisure and an exceptional talent for knowing what needs to be done to make a business and the people within it thrive.

As well as being an exceptional business woman, Donna is an inspirational person to be with and to learn from. If you want a master class in gins she is your woman (I know thanks to an impromptu gin tasting at Gatwick airport, when our flight was delayed by four hours). If you want a masterfully designed and delivered piece of training that resonates with all attendees, she can do it. If you just want to chat, mull over an issue and put the world to rights, there is nobody better. This year she has made me laugh, helped me cry and encouraged me to think. As you will see from her below post, Donna has not had a conventional route to her now very successful career. However, it is usually those who are comfortable being different who have the capacity to really stand head and shoulders above the rest of us.

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Full hearted

In 2015 I achieved my career dream. After 20+ years of working my arse off, I had reached the heady heights of the position I coveted most. I had so many expectations of how it would be, how I would feel; all of them wrong.

How could this be? Everyone I knew who did a similar job seemed so content, happy in their work, fulfilled. Why did I not feel the same?

Over all these years, I thought that when I had reached the top of my professional ladder I would calm it down a bit. Less of the 60+hrs a week, more family time. More me time. That didn't happen either.

There was something missing.

But what? I have the best man in my life, we have a lovely house, the mortgage is paid off, we travel loads, have the most brilliant friends and we both have well paid jobs. Life is good. I am incredibly grateful for all we have, for all we have worked so hard for.

But still, I could sense a hollow inside.

Things were important to me. After a childhood in Foster Care and then being told I was ready to live "independently" from the age of 16, I've wanted so many things. Things I couldn't afford, things beyond my position in society, things that many took for granted, things I wasn't qualified for. As soon as I was able, I started to acquire all of the things I had dreamed about when I was fresh-faced into the big scary world.

Still, I wasn't complete.

In April 2016, unbeknown to me at the time, I applied to be a part of something life-changing. I applied to join the Connecting HR Africa team for a week of volunteering to use our professional skills to coach, develop and train the leadership team of a magnificent charity, Retrak, to enable them to be better equipped to make a difference to the lives of street children in Kampala. There were so many reasons why I applied and I blogged about them back then.

What did we do in Kampala that filled the gap in my heart?

With the children, we:

• Played

• Played some more

• Read stories, comics and heard songs they had written

• Made masks, drew pictures, made loom bands, coloured in books

• Chatted about anything and everything

• Listened

• Helped with the cooking and serving of lunch

• Participated in a big outreach to street kids living around the slums; this involved social workers, outreach workers and us pairing up to approach the street children, interact with them, listen to their stories and understand how we could help them.

We heard their reasons for running away:

• Physical and emotional abuse. Being beaten by their mother or step-mother. Community Chiefs actively encourage beating children to instil discipline.
• Family breakdown. Father had two wives. Father had died and both wives were ran out from the village. There was no-one to look after this young boy. 12 years old, he was.
• Wanting an education. One boy wanted to go to school, learn enough, graduate and be a lawyer. A rich one. He wasn’t able to receive this education in his village and has run away to the city in the hope to get on a programme.
• Sexual abuse. Gang leader’s initiations involve the requirement to perform sex acts or have sex with the gang leader. If you do not conform, you are beaten incredibly badly. Sometimes the punishment is worse than a beating.

With the staff, we used our skills to deliver personal effectiveness sessions to all of Retrak’s centre teams. This was followed by leadership development and coaching for the senior team:

• Ian led on Resilience

• Amy & Lisa shared approaches for giving Feedback (a role play with Sophie and myself included)

• 

Teamwork and Values-Based Leadership was delivered by Alice

• 

• GROW Model facilitated by Kate

• I wrapped up the session demonstrating the impact of appreciation

We held

• 121’s
• coaching sessions

We are providing

• On-going commitment to support

We made a sustainable difference to so many people during our week together and we formed bonds and friendships that will last forever.

I realised what was missing for me all these years. It wasn't enough to prove to others that I could achieve my dreams from a bit of a false start. It wasn't enough to fill my life with things. What I needed to do was help affect the quality of life for other people, to be there, listen, understand and guide, where I could, to assist in positive life choices. 

Donna had this tattoo done to commemorate her time in Uganda
each star represents a member of the team who were with her

Returning from Uganda, I continued volunteering and became the Ambassador for 3 more charities.

For the first time in my life, I have a full heart. I am complete.

Connections

Months of planning, fund raising and preparations are now over. I have a very heavy suitcase packed with toys, clothes, medical kit and educational aids – all donated by friends, family and contacts. 

I am particularly indebted to the reception team of Charles Stanley - I have never seen so many glittery little girls’ sandals being donated to a great cause. Myself, I have a small handbag with a few clothes and some mosquito lotion. Over the next nearly fortnight I am to be part of a group of HR professionals referred to en masse as “Connecting HR Africa” and we will be based in Uganda working with street children, trying to give them better childhoods and futures.

We also have an evening schedule arranged for us that will see us linking into the local HR and business community in Kampala. We will be working alongside professionals from the specialist charity Retrak, for whom I have been raising funds. People have been hugely generous and every penny has gone straight to Retrak. It’s not too late to donate, if you would like to, I have a JustGiving site that would love to hear from you.

Our journey began on Friday, with six setting out from Manchester (Ian – the brains behind the expedition, Alice, Amy, Helena, Lisa and Sophie, and the remaining three of us departing from London. We are to be joined by the tenth member of the group, a photographer, in a day’s time. Two others had been signed up to join us, but have had to pull out for family reasons – I hope that their lives calm and they get the opportunity to attend next year. So much thought and planning has been done by all.

However, sometimes things don’t go according to plan and the past 36 hours fit into that category. After a four-hour delay at Gatwick (due to the plane needing to refuel at Heathrow – what’s that all about?), we finally arrived at Dubai when it was too late to make our connecting flight to Entebbe. After a lot of queuing and questions, we discovered that there is only one Emirates flight per day to Uganda and that the flight to Nairobi, from where we might have been able to make the short hop across Lake Victoria to Uganda, was fully booked, hence three of us (Katrina, Donna and myself) found ourselves stranded in the UAE.

Katrina, Donna and I originally met via social media, before being selected for Connecting HR Africa. Donna, a leisure industry HR expert who now runs an excellent consultancy, has written for the Advent Blogs series that I host annually - she is a well known voice on various social media and traditional HR channels - and Katrina is a globally recognised social media expert, teaching individuals and organisations on how best to source and successfully recruit highly desirable candidates.

There are some silver linings – spending over four hours together at Gatwick, waiting for a quenched plane to arrive, allowed us, the London trio, to start forging stronger bonds – we persuaded the staff of Lounge One to print off an email attachment to enable one of us to have the complete set of hardcopy paperwork required to get past Ugandan entry officials; we held an impromptu Meantime lager 

and gin and tonic tasting, once we became aware that we had at least another two hours to wait – for the record, Edinburgh gin (served with juniper berries in the glass) has delicate quite sophisticated notes that were enhanced by the juniper, Portobello Road (served with pink grapefruit) packs a punch, as does Broker’s (served with a wedge of lime), Caorunn is surprisingly subtle, as is Bombay Sapphire, both slip down with ease when served with a slice of orange.  Our time together certainly helped the three of us to start getting to know each other, finding areas of shared experience, humour and interest. A week of connections had begun…

By the time we were called to board it was looking increasingly probable that we would miss the connecting flight, and also that, as a result, we would need to spend time in Dubai. I have worked in the Middle East, indeed I nearly relocated to Dubai a few years ago, and I have friends in the region. It seemed sense to make positive use of the time, even if we were unable to be part of Connecting HR Africa on the first planned day in Uganda. Before the plane had started taxiing along the runway, I had sent messages to various contacts in the UAE. The prospect of being trapped in a soul-less hotel close to the airport was not appealing and we had a golden opportunity to form a new Connecting HR chapter – Connecting HR Middle East.

View from my hotel room window

I am indebted to the wonderful Craig Austin, recently appointed Group Head of Talent Management and Learning and Development (L&D) for Rakbank, for being the first person to respond to my message. Despite having not seen me face-to-face for over a decade (we used to work together in London), he welcomed all three of us into his home and gave us a taste of Dubai life. It was a pleasure meeting his wife, Amanda, having heard so much about her over the years, and watching an astounding gymnastic display by his youngest daughter. As you can see from the below photo, a tough time was had by the “London ladies” sitting round the pool. 

As the afternoon progressed into night, we spoke about HR and L&D and the most effective methods of enabling change across the region and at home; we pondered the cultural differences between the UK and the Middle East; and looked into ways in which we can support and learn from each other going forwards. Craig really liked the Connecting HR approach – Connecting events enable networking and the cross-pollination of ideas in an informal and friendly environment. I regularly attend Connecting HR tweet-ups and meetings in London – they are broadcast on social media platforms such as Twitter, and the Manchester group is enviably active. So now Connecting HR Middle East has been born, 

Craig is committed to expanding the group and it will be fairly easy for him because he has already been building up a network of HR and L&D professionals, who discuss issues as an informal group (it is a shame that, although well known HR professional bodies have a presence in the Middle East, and their qualifications are well regarded, the region seems to get little direct support or encouragement to justify expensive annual membership fees – although I believe that the CIPD is working to address this).

HR, because its focus is on how to get the best out of people and create optimum workplaces, is one of the few professional disciplines that is capable of crossing sectors - it is perfectly possible to have a meaningful discussion between HR professionals from pharmaceutical or engineering businesses and a person based in financial services. In fact, one can often gain great new ideas and insights by speaking to a wide circle of connections.

By the end of our night in Dubai, Donna and Katrina had made new friends and I had renewed a valued relationship with a man I have always liked and respected. The discussion flowed with ease and vigour and it was amazing to find how many connections and experiences we had in common. The drive back to our hotel, under a shining moon, initially past sand dunes and then into the dramatic urban landscape with twisting roadways and the sparkling lights in the spectacular modern buildings, shining like festive ornaments, will be memorable for the three of us and provided a perfect end to our day.

As well as having an excellent time in Dubai, we missed the earthquake that hit Tanzania, killing at least 11 people, and which was felt by our colleagues in Uganda.

In our own ways we are trying to move the world and through connections enable positive outcomes.

It has been a great Day 1.