Mindful reflection - Day 46

Day 46 (Monday 15th January 2018)

46% of people suffering from a mental health problem also have a long-term physical
health problem and 30% of people with a long-term physical health problem also have
a mental health problem. Monday 15th January 2018 has been calculated as this year's
Blue Monday (the "most depressing day of the year".) The concept was devised by a
travel firm, Sky, in 2005 as part of an advertising campaign, but the concept has
been perpetuated by the media. A combination of factors such as period after the festive fun,
levels of personal debt, hours of daylight and weather are all included in a pseudo-scientific
calculation to determine Blue Monday's date. [W + (D-d)] x T^Q} ÷ [M x N_a], with ‘W’ standing
for weather, ‘D’ standing for debt, ‘d’ standing for monthly salary, ‘M’ for motivational levels
and ‘Na’ standing for the feeling of a need to take action. In fact, people suffering from
depression are not simply triggered into poor mental health by a date, people suffer at any
and all times of the year and there is no scientific basis to Blue Monday. This year the
Samaritans are turning Blue Monday into Brew Monday and simply encouraging people to talk. 

My son is safely returned to Durham and I have headed further north, to meet with a colleague who works across The Border. It is probable that he thinks of me as a Sassenach, but I actually think of myself as a Scot, despite living in London. My heart always sings as I cross the Border and many of the happiest times in my life have been alone, surrounded by awe inspiring scenery and wildlife or with family and friends near where my grandmother was born and where she returned to live near the end of her life. I must confess that I am looking forward to Burn's Night a bit later this month. It's fun to have an excuse to go out and celebrate.

Today's post is by Ian Pettigrew - a person who deserves to be celebrated. I am blessed to call Ian my friend and we have also done work together and travelled to Uganda together as part of the inaugural Connecting HR Africa team that worked with and for the charity Retrak that supports street children. Ian is Chair of the Board of Retrak and just last week the charity became part of the Hope for Justice Family (the charity Hope for Justice undertakes work to combat modern slavery and trafficking - both huge dangers for vulnerable street children). As you will see from his post, Ian lives a busy but fulfilling life. If you don't already, I urge you to connect with him on Twitter (his handle is @KingfisherCoach) or else read his blogs on his business site: Kingfisher Coaching. Ian cares deeply about people and is a superb coach with a talent for helping others to build upon their strengths.

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It feels very self-indulgent for me to work out loud in reflecting on my year, but here goes…

2017 got off to a dreadful start on 1st January 2017 when our beautiful dog, Jake, collapsed and died on his afternoon walk aged just 5. If you know me, then you’ll know how attached I was to Jake and how I loved our long walks in Happy Valley. I was devastated to lose him so soon.




I was so touched by an outpouring of kindness from people and I was really moved when Simon Heath sent me a drawing of Jake.

After a few months of being a dog-less household, we took the plunge and another Border Collie, a little fluffy bundle of joy called Buddy arrived into our lives. I say bundle of joy, but I think he’s actually 10% Border Collie and 90% Monkey. He’s been a nightmare; being really disobedient and not really developing any connection with us. But, hard work and affection has paid off and he’s turned into a really lovely, loving dog. It is great to have Buddy although I miss Jake loads and I still can’t bring myself to walk in Happy Valley, as it doesn’t feel happy any more.

My other key reflection on 2017 is that is has been stupidly busy and I’ve worked far too hard. I’ve got three main things that I do; my work (Kingfisher Coaching), being chair of a charity (Retrak), and being a lay minister (a ‘Reader’) in the Church of England. In 2017, I’ve had a lot of times where it has felt like I’ve had full-on busy days of work work, then evenings doing charity work, and weekends doing church work. That’s why I’ve been quieter on Twitter; I have a level of busyness above which social media begins to feel like an unhelpful distraction. Top this off with an ongoing knee problem (which means I still can’t run) and a willingness to use my level of busyness as an excuse to put off some things I didn’t really fancy doing (e.g. writing and going to the gym!), and I’ve been a little frustrated with 2017.

Despite my frustration, my year doesn’t really qualify as darkness and I’m aware of the multitudes of people who have had terrible years and would very gladly swap for a year where their dog died and they worked too hard.

And if I’m being really, really honest with myself (and with you); I’m more frustrated with myself than I am with 2017. Because I feel like I’ve been a bit of a hypocrite this year. As I read what I’ve written above, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve helped people deal with the kind of frustrations I’ve described. I’ve helped loads of people:

•   to accept that bad stuff happens

•   to overcome irrational thought processes

•   to appreciate that you can’t work too hard all of the time

•   to realise that you can do anything but you can’t do everything

•   not to get lulled into a false perspective and lose sight of the big picture

•   to appreciate that self-care is not selfish

I enjoy working hard, I care about being professional, and I’m ambitious (not about image, status, or money but about impact) so it is important that I apply what I know.

The dawn? As I reflect on this year, work has been brilliant; I love what I do, I get to make a big impact, and I’m doing what I’m best at and what I care about. It does feel like I’m getting paid to do my hobby and this year, I’ve been joined by a full-time Project Administrator which frees me up to do more of what I’m best at. It is an honour to do what I do with Retrak, we’re making great progress in transforming the lives of street children, and another team of amazing people came to Uganda for the 2nd Connecting HR Africa trip (subsequently joining the people from the first trip in becoming amazing ambassadors and supporters!). And I feel similarly fulfilled in my work at Church.




In terms of practicing what I preach, there’s two other things I’ve said to load of people this year and I’ve not really said to myself:

•   There’s a name for people who struggle with this kind of stuff: human

•   Cut yourself some slack

As 2018 dawns, I’ll continue to work to ‘practice what I preach’ and when I don’t, I’ll remind myself that I am only human and I will cut myself some slack!

Here’s to 2018!

Connections

Months of planning, fund raising and preparations are now over. I have a very heavy suitcase packed with toys, clothes, medical kit and educational aids – all donated by friends, family and contacts. 

I am particularly indebted to the reception team of Charles Stanley - I have never seen so many glittery little girls’ sandals being donated to a great cause. Myself, I have a small handbag with a few clothes and some mosquito lotion. Over the next nearly fortnight I am to be part of a group of HR professionals referred to en masse as “Connecting HR Africa” and we will be based in Uganda working with street children, trying to give them better childhoods and futures.

We also have an evening schedule arranged for us that will see us linking into the local HR and business community in Kampala. We will be working alongside professionals from the specialist charity Retrak, for whom I have been raising funds. People have been hugely generous and every penny has gone straight to Retrak. It’s not too late to donate, if you would like to, I have a JustGiving site that would love to hear from you.

Our journey began on Friday, with six setting out from Manchester (Ian – the brains behind the expedition, Alice, Amy, Helena, Lisa and Sophie, and the remaining three of us departing from London. We are to be joined by the tenth member of the group, a photographer, in a day’s time. Two others had been signed up to join us, but have had to pull out for family reasons – I hope that their lives calm and they get the opportunity to attend next year. So much thought and planning has been done by all.

However, sometimes things don’t go according to plan and the past 36 hours fit into that category. After a four-hour delay at Gatwick (due to the plane needing to refuel at Heathrow – what’s that all about?), we finally arrived at Dubai when it was too late to make our connecting flight to Entebbe. After a lot of queuing and questions, we discovered that there is only one Emirates flight per day to Uganda and that the flight to Nairobi, from where we might have been able to make the short hop across Lake Victoria to Uganda, was fully booked, hence three of us (Katrina, Donna and myself) found ourselves stranded in the UAE.

Katrina, Donna and I originally met via social media, before being selected for Connecting HR Africa. Donna, a leisure industry HR expert who now runs an excellent consultancy, has written for the Advent Blogs series that I host annually - she is a well known voice on various social media and traditional HR channels - and Katrina is a globally recognised social media expert, teaching individuals and organisations on how best to source and successfully recruit highly desirable candidates.

There are some silver linings – spending over four hours together at Gatwick, waiting for a quenched plane to arrive, allowed us, the London trio, to start forging stronger bonds – we persuaded the staff of Lounge One to print off an email attachment to enable one of us to have the complete set of hardcopy paperwork required to get past Ugandan entry officials; we held an impromptu Meantime lager 

and gin and tonic tasting, once we became aware that we had at least another two hours to wait – for the record, Edinburgh gin (served with juniper berries in the glass) has delicate quite sophisticated notes that were enhanced by the juniper, Portobello Road (served with pink grapefruit) packs a punch, as does Broker’s (served with a wedge of lime), Caorunn is surprisingly subtle, as is Bombay Sapphire, both slip down with ease when served with a slice of orange.  Our time together certainly helped the three of us to start getting to know each other, finding areas of shared experience, humour and interest. A week of connections had begun…

By the time we were called to board it was looking increasingly probable that we would miss the connecting flight, and also that, as a result, we would need to spend time in Dubai. I have worked in the Middle East, indeed I nearly relocated to Dubai a few years ago, and I have friends in the region. It seemed sense to make positive use of the time, even if we were unable to be part of Connecting HR Africa on the first planned day in Uganda. Before the plane had started taxiing along the runway, I had sent messages to various contacts in the UAE. The prospect of being trapped in a soul-less hotel close to the airport was not appealing and we had a golden opportunity to form a new Connecting HR chapter – Connecting HR Middle East.

View from my hotel room window

I am indebted to the wonderful Craig Austin, recently appointed Group Head of Talent Management and Learning and Development (L&D) for Rakbank, for being the first person to respond to my message. Despite having not seen me face-to-face for over a decade (we used to work together in London), he welcomed all three of us into his home and gave us a taste of Dubai life. It was a pleasure meeting his wife, Amanda, having heard so much about her over the years, and watching an astounding gymnastic display by his youngest daughter. As you can see from the below photo, a tough time was had by the “London ladies” sitting round the pool. 

As the afternoon progressed into night, we spoke about HR and L&D and the most effective methods of enabling change across the region and at home; we pondered the cultural differences between the UK and the Middle East; and looked into ways in which we can support and learn from each other going forwards. Craig really liked the Connecting HR approach – Connecting events enable networking and the cross-pollination of ideas in an informal and friendly environment. I regularly attend Connecting HR tweet-ups and meetings in London – they are broadcast on social media platforms such as Twitter, and the Manchester group is enviably active. So now Connecting HR Middle East has been born, 

Craig is committed to expanding the group and it will be fairly easy for him because he has already been building up a network of HR and L&D professionals, who discuss issues as an informal group (it is a shame that, although well known HR professional bodies have a presence in the Middle East, and their qualifications are well regarded, the region seems to get little direct support or encouragement to justify expensive annual membership fees – although I believe that the CIPD is working to address this).

HR, because its focus is on how to get the best out of people and create optimum workplaces, is one of the few professional disciplines that is capable of crossing sectors - it is perfectly possible to have a meaningful discussion between HR professionals from pharmaceutical or engineering businesses and a person based in financial services. In fact, one can often gain great new ideas and insights by speaking to a wide circle of connections.

By the end of our night in Dubai, Donna and Katrina had made new friends and I had renewed a valued relationship with a man I have always liked and respected. The discussion flowed with ease and vigour and it was amazing to find how many connections and experiences we had in common. The drive back to our hotel, under a shining moon, initially past sand dunes and then into the dramatic urban landscape with twisting roadways and the sparkling lights in the spectacular modern buildings, shining like festive ornaments, will be memorable for the three of us and provided a perfect end to our day.

As well as having an excellent time in Dubai, we missed the earthquake that hit Tanzania, killing at least 11 people, and which was felt by our colleagues in Uganda.

In our own ways we are trying to move the world and through connections enable positive outcomes.

It has been a great Day 1.

Choosing Paths - Day 32 (New Year's Day)

Day 32 (January 1st 2015)

32 is the freezing point of water at sea level in degrees Fahrenheit
A typical adult human has 32 teeth (including Wisdom Teeth)
Cats have 32 muscles to control each ear (humans have 6 per ear)
A leech has 32 brains (one in each body segment)

Today is the start of a new year, with fresh paths ahead of us... All I can say is HAPPY NEW YEAR, may it exceed your hopes and aspirations.

This New Year's Day post is written by Ian Pettigrew, a much loved friend to many. He helps "people, teams and organisations to be more resilient and to realise their strengths" (to quote from his LinkedIn profile), but much more than that, he makes individuals feel appreciated and of value. A lovely man and a great workshop facilitator and coach (on Twitter he refers to himself as @KingfisherCoach). The choice of a kingfisher comes from a secluded riverside area near his home, where, when walking with Jake is collie, he often is inspired by the bright electric blue flash of the birds. A highlight of 2014 for me was staying at Ian's home, as his family's guest, when attending the CIPD Annual Conference. He really is as nice in real life as he comes across as being on line.

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I’ve chosen some new paths over the last 6 years, and I wanted to share some of my reflections and learning…

(1) You can’t choose a path if you don’t know your destination

If we are to choose a path, surely we need to know our destination? I feel like I spent quite a few years bimbling along in my career with only a vague sense of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I had a good job (Change Director in a large Pharmaceutical company), but it didn’t feel like it was enough. It was only when I had a really clear vision of the future that I could actually choose what path I was going to take. Be careful about getting really clear on a vision, though… Once I got an inkling of how I wanted things to be, I felt really unsettled until I started taking steps in the right direction and took the plunge, being more intentional about my path.

 (2) We might reach a destination and realise we don’t like it when we get there

 I had a vision of a lifestyle where I would work from home, doing a couple of days of coaching, a couple of days of church and charity stuff, and a couple of days of trading currencies each week and I set off down a path of making this vision a reality. I’d been trading CFD’s for a while as a hobby, and I knew I could make money from it, so I invested in professional training, opened a professional trading account and purchased the appropriate kit for my home office and started trading currencies (FOREX). And hated it. It worked well as a hobby and a bit of extra intellectual stimulation, but scaling it into work spoiled it for me and I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I devoted a lot of time, energy, and money into something that I decided was a dead-end for me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. It bothers me much less than the ‘I wonder if…’ regrets and learning what I didn't want is still valuable learning.

 (3) We often have to juggle multiple paths

Life is rarely as simple as following one path! I’m hopeless at managing my attention (I choose my words carefully as I don’t believe you can manage ‘time’) so I follow a very systematic approach to help me make better choices as to where to focus my attention. I’ve attached a screenshot of the structure of my to-do lists and I find it really helpful to be able to see all my paths one on map. Like all of us, I have thousands of choices each day about how to invest my attention and I need a good map to aid me.

This is how I look at my goals and priorities, balancing Thrive (I used to label it ‘Live’ but it seemed too passive), Work, and Serve. Having left my job 5.5 years ago to pursue my paths, I’ve set up my own business, done a Theology degree and been licensed as a lay minister (Reader) in the Church of England), and joined the Board of a charity (Retrak, working with street children across Africa) as a trustee. I’m really busy and I like it that way but I have to make an effort to keep things balanced. Work and Serve have had a lot of my attention but Thrive has had less, something that I’ve addressed over the last few months (and why I’m a lot less active on Twitter in the evening that I used to be!). And as I look at the goals and activities I have for ‘healthy’, there’s a whole path around fitness that is somewhat overgrown at the moment and definitely needs some more attention. Sometimes we need to review the big picture of which paths we’re on and do some juggling!

The Juggler by Fritz Beinke, 1873, oil on canvas

(4) We can’t always see the destination clearly when we embark on the journey

I embarked on a path to set up a business as a coach. Over time that has evolved and the dominant focus of my business is leadership and team development, supported by coaching. I couldn’t have predicted that at the start of the journey, and probably wouldn’t have named my business Kingfisher Coaching if I did know! My specialism is in strengths and resilience. I couldn’t have predicted that at the start of my journey. I set up with the intention of being a freelancer, enjoying the freedom of working alone and determined that I didn’t want to grow this into a larger business. Now, things are going really well and I see the opportunity to make a bigger impact which is making me question that decision. I didn’t foresee that at the start of the journey. Sometimes, the only way we can figure out the exact destination and path, is to start heading in the right direction and see what we see on the way.

(5) Paths can be very fulfilling

I remember thinking long and hard about whether to take the risk of exchanging a comfortable, predictable path for a much scarier one. I feel incredibly fortunate (rather than lucky!) for how things have turned out. Through intentionally pursuing some new paths, I am doing work that I love. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from doing what I do. I’m doing something that I’m good at, making an impact that I care deeply about, for clients who are ace, working alongside and collaborating with awesome people. It isn’t all Unicorns and Rainbows, but it is pretty damned close. I feel a strong sense of calling to my ministry in the church and I have a very simple faith, based on loving (and not judging) others. Through taking some time off to do church & charity stuff in Uganda, I was privileged to meet street children in the slums; something that led to my involvement with Retrak, and I feel fortunate to make a tiny contribution to changing the lives of street children. 

I’m far from perfect, but I love being me and I feel very fortunate to do what I do and I’m thankful that I took the paths that got me here.  

Happy New Year!