Laying awake in the dark - Day 27

Day 27 (Wednesday 27th December 2017)

27 December 1977 was the UK release date for the long-awaited film, Star Wars.
Many would-be viewers queued in Leicester Square, or Tottenham Court Road,
London from early in the morning to secure one of the few cinema seats that had not
been pre-booked for months. It had been released in the USA 7 months earlier. Every
year since 1977 Lucas films has produced a seasonal card, above is 1977's (the first) and 2017's
is shown below (it is Rey and Kylo Ren on opposite sides of a “tree” illuminated from within by a tea light).

Today many are going back to work, the last few working days of 2017 - I hope they go well. I have a few more days' holiday. I am back on the road to Somerset to see my mother and sister this afternoon. I have been thoroughly spoiled this Christmas with wonderful gifts from family and friends. I particularly love Robert MacFarlane's and Jackie Morris' book, Lost Words given to me by a dear friend Simon - the book was inspired by words from nature that were removed from the Oxford University Press Junior Dictionary. I also treasure a beautiful hand-stitched and framed bee, made for my by Louise (Michael Carty's wife) - it is perfect and such a touching gift on so many levels.

Today's post is by Amanda Arrowsmith, known to many on Twitter as @Pontecarloblue. Amanda describes herself and an HR nerd. She works as an HR consultant and she specialises in change. She is certainly excellent with people and renowned for devising solutions that enhance the workplace. She writes an excellent blog, and is frequently available for HR related discussions on social media. She is highly engaging, a compelling speaker and a caring colleague and friend. She is also a bit of a domestic goddess - excellent at baking and producing preserves (she made amazing gingerbread men this Christmas). I envy her living in the Cotswolds, where she is easily able to glean sloes and brambles from the hedgerows whilst taking her dogs for a walk. Given all she does, she is a bundle of energy and encouragement, it may come as a surprise to some that she suffers from insomnia. 

*********************

I don’t sleep well. I haven’t for years. It’s not unusual for me to spend a few hours awake for no reason in the darkest hours willing sleep to come or accepting that it won’t.

I envy my partner, he has an ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. He’ll even wake up and talk to me, telling me he’s awake and not tired and then in the following breath be deep in the arms of Morpheus.

I wasn’t always like this, I’m told that as a child I ‘slept well’. No waking my parents every night, no needing to be driven or walked around. Until my late teens I could sleep anytime, anywhere.

My parents had parties, loud, laughter filled parties with dancing and drinking and folk coming and going and I could curl up on a chair and sleep; oblivious to all that was going on around me.

But not now. On no. I’ve tried all sorts - drugs, herbal tea, a bath before bed, no screen time, eye masks, ear plugs, hypnosis tapes - the works. But whilst I may get a few good nights. I’m always back here. At 3am wondering if I’m going to get any more than the 4 hours I managed.

But when I do sleep. Oh that’s magical. I joke about how the world should watch out I’ve had 8 hours sleep and I’m on fire. 10 and I can face anything! But reality is I get 5-7 of broken sleep most nights.

So what do I do with my time. Well I think, I plan, I consider. I try not to read or write as I don’t want to disturb himself or to get my mind overly active. Often as dawn breaks my mind and body will quiet and sleep will come again. A short burst leaving feeling hungover without the pleasure of the gins the night before.

However, I’m going to keep trying to break the cycle. More exercise, different teas, bath salts and oils. Who knows. Maybe I’ll crack it. But until then. If you see me just after dawn - bring me coffee; and if by chance you ever find me curled up on a chair snoozing. Cover me with a blanket and turn on my do not disturb.

I hope you are having a fabulous Christmas, wherever you’re laying your head. Sweet dreams.

It's not all dark - Day 28

Day 28 (Thursday 28th December 2017)

28 December is, for many Christians, a day of distressing contemplation - it is
The Feast of the Holy Innocents, which commemorates the death of blameless male infants
slaughtered by King Herod in his attempt to destroy the newly born Jesus. You might be
interested to know that the 28 December is also the date when, in 2013, China eased its
One-Child policy, which had for many years resulted in the death of thousands of predominantly female infants.

We have our office Christmas Party this evening. Many firms, due to the diverse nature of the workforce have "Winterval" parties or a seasonal event, however, being a long-established UK business, we are remain traditional. 

Today's post is by the executive coach and company director Tony Jackson, who is well known to many on social media. He has a number of Twitter handles (depending on why/how you know him) - @Jacksont0ny is his personal account, @ChelshamConsult is his company account and lastly @t0nyjPhotos is his "third place" where you can often see some of his wonderful photos (as indeed you can in today's post as al the illustrations have been taken by Tony himself). Tony writes a fine blog that you can find on his business website, Chelsham.co/blog. Tony commenced his career by training to become an accountant before realising that he had a greater interest in people as opposed to numbers. He lives with his husband, Andrea, in South West London. His take on darkness and dawn is very personal and touches on difficult subjects, but it also has much to do with his penchant and talent for photography.

************************

My immediate reaction to this Advent Blog series’ theme was to ponder whether darkness is a negative and dawn a positive – or whether both can be either.  

Without darkness we cannot see the amazing glory of the night sky, it is harder to rest or sleep and some creative experiences cannot happen. We dim the lights for a reason, don’t we? Horrors dawn on us do they not?

In that light here is my offering, perhaps more a stream of consciousness than a blog this time……

Darkness

It took me 30 years of adult life to work out that the times when I haven’t been anywhere near at my best, when I haven’t really understood my own reactions to events around me, be it at play or at work, I have often been driven by anxiety.

There. I said it.

Most people I meet or with whom I work wouldn’t notice – I can cover it well.

However, anxiety has taken me to some dark places over the years and, in extremis, was even the catalyst for one of the very few ‘bad days’ in my relationship.  Over a decade ago (the year of two awful events which I mention below) my panic attack in a crowd ruined a long-awaited treat for my wonderful husband. Of course neither of us realised at the time that it had been a panic attack. A boss once asked me, baffled, why I had ducked out of an important team gathering. A workmate noticed that a real career success had only bred insecurity (“when will it be taken away from me?”). Hello Imposter Syndrome.

Good friends and relatives know that I sometimes have to work through anxieties to turn up to events. Friends laugh with me when they hear me say ridiculous things such as “will we get a table?” (answer of course: “if not we’ll go somewhere else”). In the mix is PTSD emanating from teenage experiences plus a physical assault at the age of 40 when I thought, I believed, I was in a safe space. Add to that the awfulness of the man I love being in that square when the bus blew up on 7/7  - this within weeks of the assault. He shouldn’t have been anywhere near there but had been displaced as events unfolded. The last message I received was “I’m getting on a bus at Euston”. Those two hours waiting to reach him were the longest of my life and then I had to work through the guilt of feeling so damaged even though neither of us had actually been hurt physically. Unlike so many.

I managed to reach out for help and we all need to recognise that not everyone can or will. It’s also why I started going to my detox retreats. I have discovered ways of self-soothing/self-healing and I commend this to you.

Being able to recognise this as anxiety has been the most remarkable breakthrough and has changed my life. I have a label for it. I can ask what the feeling is telling me instead of being confused about it. I know, yes I know, that I am a better person (and a better coach come to think of it) for having broken out of something which I simply thought was ‘my dark place’. A dark place which was worse at times than if the thing about which I was anxious had actually happened. What a waste of energy.

But if I have a plea it is this……please remember that if a colleague (be it the composed HRD or a successful, generally acutely self-aware executive coach ☺ ) is being a little ‘different’ at times there is almost always a reason. There may be interference in the form of anxiety or other mental health issues. We aren’t good enough at supporting colleagues with such issues and organisations which get this right will reap the rewards in terms of employee loyalty.  

On the other hand….

Darkness can be a place from which beauty emanates.

Photography is my ‘third place’.  The light I allow in through that shutter into the dark innards of my Nikon can create art.

I am at my happiest, and least anxious, mooching around with my camera then messing around on Lightroom (not in a dark room these days) in order to tweak the end results. I do it for me. Only for me.

That said I take genuine pleasure from others’ reactions to my work and have even splashed out on a website http://tonyjacksonphotography.com which is also for me but for you too …. if you want it.

Dawn

2017 was a year of dawning realisation for people who belong to minority groups – as do I. I know that I have enjoyed privilege as a white male but I have also experienced life as a gay man and I am troubled, anxious you might say, about the changes in the western world. (Let’s not talk about the 70 or so countries which we cannot visit for fear of imprisonment or worse).

Or are they actually changes? I thought that we had become more enlightened, that more people had learned to accept difference even if they did not or could not understand. I had taken heart from the vibrancy and multiculturalism of London 2012. I had read too much into what I perceived to be more inclusive times. That we had left behind the dark days of Section 28, of repeated failed attempts to introduce an equal age of consent and of zero employment law protection.  I and others had a false sense of security.

The dawning realisation? That the enlightened times which I thought we could take for granted were perhaps a mirage. Just look at some parts of Twitter from the perspective of a black man or a trans woman or a friend from another EU country or a refugee. Such hatred. Such unfiltered bigotry. Such joy in castigating difference. Maybe we had only suppressed it all – maybe it had never gone away.

It is deeply depressing and one has to work hard, really hard, to accentuate the positive. For we risk heading backwards and it falls to all of us both to fight prejudice and to shed positive light on the lives of others.  To be unpopular if needed as we stand up for others. To say that we will not allow a return to the darkness into which we know our fellow humans can descend.

And yet, I am delighted to say, there has been a dawning of even greater happiness for me this year.

Along came this chap – Dudley.

He radiates joy. He has the world’s waggiest tail (that’s official by the way). He is always happy to see me. He cures that anxiety. Most of the time. For sometimes it is I who is anxious when he is home alone. He just contentedly chews on his antler. He is a revelation.

Then, much more importantly, after 18 years together, and 10 years on from our civil partnership, Andrea and I married. For that is what we now can do. Let’s note that it was the much-maligned Coalition Government which made this happen. And they even set it up so that our marriage is backdated to the date of our CP. So we also had that dawning thought that, in one fell swoop, we had been married for a decade. Happy Tin Anniversary to us. Yay!

And can we all please notice that the only thing that has happened as a result of this legal change is that more people, their friends and their families have experienced merriment and joyfulness?

Not a completely dark time then.

 

Drawn to the Dark - Day 26 (Boxing Day)

Day 26 (Tuesday 26th December 2017 - Boxing Day)

26 December is known as Wren Day instead of Boxing Day in Ireland, the Isle of Man and parts of
the United Kingdom, Spain and France. As Christian mythology would have it,
God wanted to know who was King of the Birds and hence set a challenge
to see which could fly highest - the eagle nearly won, but at the last minute the wren,
which had been hiding on the eagle's back, flew up and hence was higher and so
became King. Because of this supposed treachery, mummers, known as Wren Boys,
dressed in concealing costumes used to hunt down a wren, tie it to a pole
and dance from house to house demanding money from townsfolk as a ransom
to save the wren's life or to provide luck in exchange for a feather -
the money raised would pay for a party (a Wren Ball). It is probable that the tradition
originated in pagan times when there were animal sacrifices to encourage the spring to return.
The mummers would sing a variations of "The wren the wren the king of all birds/ St Stephen's Day
was caught in the furze/ Her clothes were all torn- her shoes were all worn/
Up with the kettle and down with the pan/ Give us a penny to bury the "wran"/ If you haven't a penny a halfpenny will do/
If you haven't a halfpenny/ God bless you!".These days a toy wren, as opposed to a live bird, is used.

It's Boxing Day. How are you feeling? I think perhaps I should not have eaten so much yesterday.

Today's warm and perspicacious post is written by my very good friend, Simon Heath. I first met Simon via Twitter (his handle is @SimonHeath1) and I am delighted and proud to have been one of his first clients, when he took the plunge and founded his business after a long and successful career in corporate life. Simon is an artist. he is perceptive and, having worked in the conventional world of work, he understands the issues in the workplace - commercial drivers, silo mentality, the importance of communication and leadership. He is a good listener and can catch the essence of a point in a pithy illustration that is the perfect aide memoire. My company has won 3 major awards this year for our ability to engage people who work with us and to effect positive change, it is no exaggeration to say that Simon has been a significant influence in our transformation. He has created some masterful animations that helped us share our vision and celebrate success and I have used many of his excellent illustrations to stress a particular point or to remind people of what we need to do.

Outside the work environment (actually in and out the work environment) Simon is a delight to spend time with. He is a deep thinker and determined to do his bit to make the world a better place. Some of my best moments over the past few years have involved sitting, sipping a decent single malt, and chatting with Simon. He is a devoted father (with two talented children) and a loving husband and family man. This of us who know him are very fortunate.

******************************

Perhaps it's a peculiarity of having been born in England, heir to English weather, that a brilliantly sunny, brash, shouty and suddenly insistent dawn leaves me cold. I've much preferred my dawns creepier. Not breaking, but slithering smudgily over the horizon. I don't want some Riviera daybreak hammering impatiently at the shutters demanding a croissant and espresso, pronto. The house lights thrown abruptly up, breaking the spell of the cinematography. There are very few things more infuriating than being awoken by some well meaning soul flinging open the curtains with a cry of "Up and at 'em!". Better by far to gradually awaken as the gloaming begins to glisten with a silvery hue, shadows drawing cautiously closer in to their owners. And this time of the year is delicious in this respect. The days are fleeting. The dawns drawn out. And the descent back into darkness starts sooner.

Autumn brings the advent of the dark days. Days of galoshes and mackintoshes. The night expanding stealthily to fill the daylight saving hours. A sense of anticipation as, before a movie, the lights dim to let the dreaming begin and December beckons in the company of the ghosts of Christmas past. When I first heard the theme for this year's Advent Blog series, so thoughtfully and generously curated by my wonderful friend, Kate, I thought I'd struggle with darkness. My life is not touched by it to the degree that so many others are. My cares are more workaday and mundane. But then another friend, the kindly and wise Michael Carty, reminded me that darkness needn't be negative. And how right he is. So, I'll take this opportunity to share with you some reasons to be cheerful after dark. Things that, for this Englishman at least, simply wouldn't be the same under the mad dog midday sun.

A blanket-built fort in the desert illuminated by explorers' torches

The magnesium magic of children drawing dreams with sparklers 

The "Oo!" and "Aah!" of Bonfire Night

The peaty perfume of a single malt

The exuberant pop of the celebratory cork

The cool side of the pillow

Stars as far as the eye can see (those billions of light years)

Our patient lunar companion

Motes of dust dancing in the projector's beam

The acid luminosity of be-glowsticked revelry

The reassuring warmth of familiarity of the sleeper beside you

The laser trails of tail lights

A doner kebab

Walking up the path to a house full of people who'll be delighted to see you

The sense of anticipation you get from that walk

The liquid joy of the carnival lights reflected in her eyes

The unseen crisp smack of a bat catching its prey

The bedtime story

Closeness

My life is not a hard one. The grumble and grouse of the normal run-of-the-mill life. But like so many George Baileys, it is often only by standing in the darkness, looking in at the window of our life, at the warmth and joy within, that we get a true sense of our good fortune. And that's how I'll close. By wishing you all good fortune.

Silver Linings - Day 25 (Christmas Day)

Day 25 (Monday 25th December 2017 - Christmas Day)

Happy Christmas!  Regardless of your religious beliefs, may you enjoy light and bright times, filled with love and laughter, and, if your life is beset with troubles, experience respite from the worst the dark can bring. A number of this Series' authors have written about their own personal struggles during the year. I know of others who either have decided either not to share their pain or who chose not to contribute a piece at all, due to finding the current demands of life almost too much to bear. Traditionally today is a day of generosity, please spare some thoughts and/or provide support to those in need, grief or pain.

Today's post is by a new voice to the Advent Blogs - Paula Whylie. As you will see when you read her piece, Paula belives in providing love and support. I think it is an ideal post for Christmas Day. Paula is the Engagement and Development Manager for the charity Bolton at Home. I first met Paula via Twitter, her handle is @Paula_BaH. She is a loving wife and daughter, proud mother to three wonderful children and devoted carer of Eric a handsome, clever and cuddly young "Staffie" (Staffordshire Bull Terrior). She is an accomplished artist, even though she modestly refers to her drawings as doodles. She believes in trying to make the world a better place and often does through her sheer passion and exuberance. 

Paula selected her own illustrations for today's post. 

******************************

It’s the first time ice contributed to Kate’s (@KateGL) annual Advent Blog although I’ve been writing the occasional blog on and off for a while now, some for the lovely folk at www.thecounsellorscafe.co.uk some on Medium  and the odd few here there and everywhere, I started blogging after experiencing a bout of poor mental health which distanced me from my friends, family and work for a period of around eight months. I learnt a lot about myself during that time and have continued to do so. My first lesson was every cloud has a silver lining.

After some of my darkness had lifted I wrote The Day the Dam Burst it was a cathartic experience and one I’d recommend to anyone (even if you don’t publish it) as it serves as a reminder that you’re stronger than you think you are. I experienced loneliness which is hard to describe, if I think of it as a painting its Edvard Munch’s The Scream.  The impact of feeling lonely was another lesson which in retrospect I was glad to be taught, it made me think differently about my lovely mum who lives alone and whilst we’ve always been close, thinking differently about what life is like for her has made a difference to how we spend time together.

Earlier this year I wrote A Genuine Smile about my mums seventieth birthday. I’m smiling now as I write this, as this year we carried on giving her some sort of treat each weekend from picnics in her lounge as she’s mainly house bound to buying her a stuffed dog when we got a puppy earlier on in the year, Mum’s dogs called Ralph as she sits cuddling him. We’re also trying to make December as special as possible for her again by giving her a treat each weekend leading up to December and each time we give her something she always replies “I’ll bloody kill you, don’t waste your money on me” at which point we all laugh.

This year Age Concern UK have launched their  #NoOneShouldHaveNoOne campaign to help address the fact that almost 1 million older people feel lonelier at Christmas than any other time of the year. Loneliness is a social monster, it lurks in dark places and creeps up on our loved ones, I live and work in Bolton and its estimated we have around 4160 lonely people. We are lucky to have another Angel @KatieHuddleUp set up a business in Bolton this year and she’s not prepared to let this continue, Katie and her team are inviting anyone who feels lonely on Christmas Day to join them at @HuddleUpAllSouls 

Whilst I wouldn’t wish poor mental health on anyone, my silver lining was realising that I could make a difference by talking openly about my mental health in the workplace and home, which I have done and will continue to do so as its enabled many conversations to take place and support to be put into place, for that I’m grateful to take something positive from the experience.