Laying awake in the dark - Day 27

Day 27 (Wednesday 27th December 2017)

27 December 1977 was the UK release date for the long-awaited film, Star Wars.
Many would-be viewers queued in Leicester Square, or Tottenham Court Road,
London from early in the morning to secure one of the few cinema seats that had not
been pre-booked for months. It had been released in the USA 7 months earlier. Every
year since 1977 Lucas films has produced a seasonal card, above is 1977's (the first) and 2017's
is shown below (it is Rey and Kylo Ren on opposite sides of a “tree” illuminated from within by a tea light).

Today many are going back to work, the last few working days of 2017 - I hope they go well. I have a few more days' holiday. I am back on the road to Somerset to see my mother and sister this afternoon. I have been thoroughly spoiled this Christmas with wonderful gifts from family and friends. I particularly love Robert MacFarlane's and Jackie Morris' book, Lost Words given to me by a dear friend Simon - the book was inspired by words from nature that were removed from the Oxford University Press Junior Dictionary. I also treasure a beautiful hand-stitched and framed bee, made for my by Louise (Michael Carty's wife) - it is perfect and such a touching gift on so many levels.

Today's post is by Amanda Arrowsmith, known to many on Twitter as @Pontecarloblue. Amanda describes herself and an HR nerd. She works as an HR consultant and she specialises in change. She is certainly excellent with people and renowned for devising solutions that enhance the workplace. She writes an excellent blog, and is frequently available for HR related discussions on social media. She is highly engaging, a compelling speaker and a caring colleague and friend. She is also a bit of a domestic goddess - excellent at baking and producing preserves (she made amazing gingerbread men this Christmas). I envy her living in the Cotswolds, where she is easily able to glean sloes and brambles from the hedgerows whilst taking her dogs for a walk. Given all she does, she is a bundle of energy and encouragement, it may come as a surprise to some that she suffers from insomnia. 

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I don’t sleep well. I haven’t for years. It’s not unusual for me to spend a few hours awake for no reason in the darkest hours willing sleep to come or accepting that it won’t.

I envy my partner, he has an ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. He’ll even wake up and talk to me, telling me he’s awake and not tired and then in the following breath be deep in the arms of Morpheus.

I wasn’t always like this, I’m told that as a child I ‘slept well’. No waking my parents every night, no needing to be driven or walked around. Until my late teens I could sleep anytime, anywhere.

My parents had parties, loud, laughter filled parties with dancing and drinking and folk coming and going and I could curl up on a chair and sleep; oblivious to all that was going on around me.

But not now. On no. I’ve tried all sorts - drugs, herbal tea, a bath before bed, no screen time, eye masks, ear plugs, hypnosis tapes - the works. But whilst I may get a few good nights. I’m always back here. At 3am wondering if I’m going to get any more than the 4 hours I managed.

But when I do sleep. Oh that’s magical. I joke about how the world should watch out I’ve had 8 hours sleep and I’m on fire. 10 and I can face anything! But reality is I get 5-7 of broken sleep most nights.

So what do I do with my time. Well I think, I plan, I consider. I try not to read or write as I don’t want to disturb himself or to get my mind overly active. Often as dawn breaks my mind and body will quiet and sleep will come again. A short burst leaving feeling hungover without the pleasure of the gins the night before.

However, I’m going to keep trying to break the cycle. More exercise, different teas, bath salts and oils. Who knows. Maybe I’ll crack it. But until then. If you see me just after dawn - bring me coffee; and if by chance you ever find me curled up on a chair snoozing. Cover me with a blanket and turn on my do not disturb.

I hope you are having a fabulous Christmas, wherever you’re laying your head. Sweet dreams.

On Darkness

Day 27 (Tuesday 27th December 2016)

27 - the number of studio albums released by David Bowie.

From 1967 to 2016 David Bowie was recognised as being at the 

vanguard of contemporary culture, not just for being an outstanding 

innovative musician but also as an artist, actor and designer. Bowie died 

on January 10 2016, after an 18 month battle with liver cancer. 

He released his last album, Black Star, on his 69th Birthday, 

it was released on 8 January 2016 ( 2 days before his death).

It is the extra Boxing Day holiday for many of us. I hope you are finding time to relax, recuperate and spend time with the people you love. I love the lady who has written today's post - Julie Drybrough. She is the founder and Managing Director of Fuchsia Blue Ltd. and is a woman of many talents - an organisational consultant, executive coach, facilitator, speaker, blogger (fuchsia blue blog) and dialogue guide - working with people and organisations to improve conversations, relationships and learning. She inspires people to follow her example and to do things with love.

I first met Julie via Twitter (her handle is @fuchsia_blue) and have subsequently grown to know her in real life. She is a feisty Scottish lass who has moved south to Manchester to live with the man she loves, although she can be found working both across the UK and around the globe. Another major love in her life is, Biba, the dog. She says it how she sees it, is creative, thoughtful, caring and great fun. She enjoys life to the full (be it literally climbing every mountain, photographing and sharing amazing vistas and unusual sights, partying with friends and trying what's available to expand her knowledge and experiences). Julie enhances the lives of many and it is a pleasure hosting her post today.

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On Darkness…..

2016?

What can I say?

In a year where all hell seems to have broken loose in the world, politically, socially, climatically and to be famous seemed to mean that Death had your name firmly in its sights, somehow personal reflections and seem inconsequential and unimportant.

And yet it is always at this time of year, in the darkest months at the point of solstice, that I most seem to need to stop, reflect, readjust, celebrate & consider. There can be peace in the gloom and the murk – a place to hide and be concealed and be… and it can be a scary place – darkness – a lonely place filled with terrors both imagined and real.

If I dwell on heart and heights and hopes – it is at this time of the year I seem to most acutely feel and acknowledge these.

I'm mostly irreligious... yet spiritual in my own way. If I err toward anything at this time of year is a sort of pseudo Pagany/Christiany sense of beginning and the need to appreciate that which is alive. I want to be moved by the tradition of carol singing. I want to feast and dance. I want to walk the dog in the bitter cold in barren woods near me and enjoy the green of holly against the brown sleeping ground. I want the warmth of the house to be welcoming after the cold outside. I want to understand my privilege at having a home, family, safety and not take that wholly for granted….

December in the northern hemisphere speaks to me of winter proper.

Things asleep yet to wake.

Long nights, which inevitably turn slowly toward the spring… turning points.

The dark banished with lights & fires as we strive to see and make beauty in the darkness.

The hope of light and the relief it brings.

Yule has its roots in the old-Nordic word ‘iul’ or the Anglo-Saxon ‘hweol’,
both meaning ‘wheel’, which points to the ever turning year
and natures cycle of life, death and rebirth.Add caption

The dark gap where loved ones, now gone, should be; the way those we love & care for lighten our lives.

I learned a few years ago how scared I was of the dark and how terrifying it is to be without a sense of light; the experience of profound loneliness and the way it hobbles and derails you… I tried, unsuccessfully, to run away from the dark, forcing positivity and trying to conjure light. But I was diminished and sad. I was afraid and alone. My capacity to create light for myself was tiny. 

Dale Grimshaw - street art, UK

My ability to fool myself was even smaller. It was only when I turned to others, asking for help to illuminate and when I began to face into the darkness - looked into my sadness and shame and fear, that things started to re-form.

So at this time of year – if you feel the melancholy or the loneliness or the sadness…. Just know that these are one part of the story – that even in the darkest moments there is the possibility of light. That you may need others to light your way, scary as that is… that it is only knowing the dark that allows us to appreciate the light.

I wish you and yours the very best for the season and for 2017 whether it be dark or light… and I pass on a gift that sticks with me at this time of year – David Whyte’s Sweet Darkness – in the hope you find some semblance of inspiration or understanding in the verse.

"SWEET DARKNESS"

When your eyes are tired

the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone,

no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark 

where the night has eyes

to recognise its own.

There you can be sure

you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your home

tonight.The night will give you a horizon

further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.

The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds

except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet

confinement of your aloneness

to learn

anything or anyone

that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

John Atkinson Grimshaw, oil painting UK, circa 1880