Darkness to Dawn - Day 15

Day 15 (Friday 15th December 2017)

15 years ago the trend for the UK Christmas Number One Single changed, when the support for 

traditional bands ceased and reality TV started impacting the Chart. In the UK the Christmas 

Number One is the single at the top of the UK Singles Chart in the week in which Christmas

falls. Traditionally Christmas Number Ones were the best selling single of the year. 

Often there was intense rivalry between bands to achieve pole position - most notably i

n 1973 when 2 glam rock bands, Slade and Wizzard, battled it out. Slade won with "Merry Christmas Everybody" 

(which has remained their best selling song of all time and is the most played Christmas tune 

as well as being the festive song that nets the most royalties  - at least £500,000 pa)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt0Ym6HMxp8

I'm on my way to Leeds this morning to visit the people in our branch there and then on to the team in Beverley. It's good to get out of the bubble of London and see how things are in other areas. I suspect it will be a bit chillier than down south, but I know that the welcome will be warm. At the end of the day I'm driving on to Durham to fetch my youngest back from uni - I'm beginning to feel festive - the family will be back together. :-)

The writer of today's piece is not antisocial, but they have asked to remain anonymous. Once you have read their piece I am sure you will understand why. I am sure that you, like me, will want to wish them a better 2018. There have been a number of posts this year where people have shared their challenges and sorrows. One of the things I particularly like about the Advent Blog's reading community is the genuine concern and compassion that is shown by the many to the few. Life isn't always easy but it does help to talk and share. 

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2017 can't finish soon enough. It's been an awful year. Illnesses, work, and personal issues all fell on top of each other to create the perfect storm and the storm rained darkness. It's no wonder that earlier in the year the wheels came off.

This darkness has always been there but it's always been in the shadows. It's always been part of the shadow. It's always been talking to you. This year its voice has been loud enough to start to, and then take over, the self talk that you're good enough. Not hearing your positive voice but the voice of anxiety and despair is painful.

Waking up several times a night and dreading waking up in the morning is a hateful feeling, only eased by getting so tired that you sleep because of exhaustion, not tiredness. Hiding that lack of sleep behind stories to avoid admitting it to your family and friends tests your creative side.

You read about the fear of public speaking and how people feel like prey. The fear of speaking at all is what dumbstruck really means. When half a dozen faces are turned at you in a meeting waiting for the next words you'll say. Not knowing what to say because you know what you'll say will be the wrong thing is true creeping death. So you say nothing much and become 'uncommunicative' and less of a 'team player'.

Those times in the day when you can't concentrate because the voice is there, reminding you you can't do this. 

The noises in your head are mixed with the noises in the office so you go to the lavatory and sit there for 10 minutes trying to gather the strength to get by. Even getting by for an hour would help you. 

The paralysis that comes from having so many things which haven't been done that you do none of them because you can't imagine doing one over another. And then dealing with the feelings of despair that you anticipate will come from the tasks not being completed.

Some people talk about you in glowing terms and it's difficult. Your self-esteem doesn't exist, you are panicking about what you said or did to create that perception of you and then have to steel yourself to go again and be better.

On a warm summer day you come home at lunchtime and stand in your lounge. You drop your work bag and weep. Deep and painful sobs that wrack your body for an hour. This is too much. This is wrong somewhere. You've felt like this before and you couldn't deal with it alone. 

You call the Samaritans. They recommend you see your GP. And a crack of light appears. You see your GP and they help you realise that you are unwell. It's the same unwell you had 15 years ago and you dealt with that by talking to people. You are recommended for counselling and you spend time with a person who listens. Another crack of light. They don't just listen though. They empathise, they get you to question those strategies and ways of working that are dysfunctional and energy sapping. It feels better and gets better week by week.

It was dark as night but the sun is coming, the sky is a deep violet now with a hint of orange. The dawn of something else is here.

Falling in love again

Day 15 (Thursday 15th December 2016)

15 hostages, who had been used as human shields in Iraq, were released

thanks to the efforts of a Parkinson-stricken Muhammad Ali. Ali, the globally 

admired heavyweight boxing and subsequently a humanitarian activist, 

died 3 June 2016. He lived his life according to his values and once said: 

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life."

Goodness me, the days are flying by and we have had the most amazing selection of blogs from new and old voices. Today, it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to Gill Martin, an independent coach, facilitator and learning enthusiast and loving mother and partner, who lives near me in London. Described by many as conscientious, calm and creative, she is much respected and valued by those who have worked with her. After studying Linguistics at university, Gill commenced her career in retail (with a brief stint between BHS and the Body Shop which enables her legitimately to sing "I Ain't Gonna Work On Maggie's Farm No More"). After being a successful store manager, Gill progressed into training. Although happy as a consultant, Gill has strayed occasionally back into corporate life (both times for organisations that try to make the world a better place and to enhance people's lives - most recently Macmillan Cancer Support and before that PRS (the organisation that tries to protect the rights of song writers, composers and musicians). Gill is very values led.

Gill was very nervous about posting a blog in the series, but I am sure that you will agree with me that she has produced a great read. I suspect that it echoes how many of us feel. If you want to take the conversation further you can follow Gill on Twitter, her handle is @Gill_Mart. Or write some comments for her here.

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Falling in love again  

This year I realised I was in a hollow in my career. Not a deep dark chasm, more a wide shallow crater like you see in the pictures of the moon. 

Lunar crater - courtesy of NASA

I was working, paid every month by organisations that exist to do good. And I didn’t do bad work, I delivered things that needed to be delivered, said no to doing things that didn’t serve the greater good. Yet I felt like a small figure in a vast landscape, hiding in plain sight.

William Henry Millais, Hayes Common, 1852-3. Oil on canvas. Yale Centre for British Art

So, I climbed out and I’ve been standing on the edge asking myself what happened. And the answer is very simple, I fell out of love with what I do. As I say this there’s a voice in the back of my head telling me I sound like a privileged north Londoner complaining there was no asparagus at the farmers’ market, that loving what you do is a surely a luxury, that there are many jobs that are quite hard to love. And who am I to complain about professional dissatisfaction when the world is in crisis and people have suffered real loss? But I’ll hush the voice because I know for me that it matters, it really matters to love what I do.

Source: Monster.com advert 2012

When I first tentatively sat on the edge of the hollow I really wasn’t sure if I could ever fall in love again, if I needed to move on and find something else to call ‘work’. I’ve had a good hard look at what was getting in the way and anger and fear feature large in the reckoning.

Illustration from "Une enfance dans la lune". By B Moraillon

Anger didn’t come out well in me, it didn’t rail against injustice and serve as a call to action. It turned me into a three-year old having a major tantrum, huge bursts of energy that ended up nowhere. And looking back I really thank the person who had the courage to call it out, who didn’t politely walk around me, but told me straight. At the time, it felt like a slap in the face (aren’t you supposed to ignore tantrums?) but I know it was done with a positive intention, as a wake-up call rather than a put down.

I’m understanding more what I do with fear. Avoidance is my tactic of choice; no horror movies or scary theme park rides for me. And avoidance is fine so long as no one else suffers the consequences. I feel proud of how I manage the fear I carry as a parent. The fear of harm or loss can feel all-consuming and I’ve worked hard to stop that fear clouding my decisions so my children could learn to live their own way. I’ve lots of lessons still to learn about how fear shows up in my professional life and how it influences the decisions I make about my work with others. I have some pay-back to do for the person who took a risk with me.

But recently has been rediscovering joy. It’s the feeling I’ve had when I’ve walked through the woods and really seen autumn, when I’ve watched dogs tear around in circles having the best time …ever! When just for a minute, on a Saturday morning run, I find my inner gazelle, or, if I dare own up to it, I laugh till I cry at the ex-shadow chancellor doing the cha-cha-cha.

Ed Balls and Katya Jones perform the cha-cha-cha on Strictly Come Dancing

And I’ve had this feeling in my professional life too; while sitting with a group of colleagues learning to do tricky stuff together, while working one on one and marvelling at how resourceful people can be; and while soaking up the spirit of generosity that oozes from the bit of Twitter I’ve cautiously dipped in to. And, for anyone who remembers The Fast Show, it’s ‘Brilliant!’

Finding love in any part of my life, as a partner, a parent, a friend and a daughter has always involved dealing with the dark stuff, but remembering to let joy in is what gets me through. So now I’m looking forward to whatever ‘work’ I do with joy in my heart. I’m not promising I won’t look back, there’s still learning for me in that hollow, but there’s also a wonderful landscape of heights to climb.

Inspiring heights ahead