Wake up and smell the coffee...parents - Day 10

(Monday 10th December 2018)

10 different letters are used in a Snellen Chart (an 

eye chart that can be used to measure visual acuity).

Snellen, a Dutch ophthalmologist, developed the chart in 1862. 

I hope you had a good weekend. I spent mine in Somerset with my mother and sister. Despite the awful weather, we managed to make a trip to a local farm and select a tree to put up for Christmas. 

We had a super celebratory meal with family and friends - I am beginning to feel a bit festive :-)  Family are so important and that, for me, is part of what makes today's post so impactful. I have lived first hand the impact that family relations can have on individuals, both good and bad - a member of my team has had a very traumatic relationship with their mother - this continues to torment them and has been very damaging. My own family is currently suffering due to harmful disputes and actions, many of which seemingly are originated from childhood issues - not a good lead into the Christmas period, so it was good to see some people laughing and enjoying themselves this weekend.

The author of today's post is Gavan Burdan, the founder and Managing Director of Burden Dare - an executive search and interim management business. Gavan has a huge heart and really cares about those less fortunate than himself. He is also social and engaging company - you can reach him on Twitter via  @burdendare. Gavan lives in Sevenoaks and is a passionate supporter of the local cricket team, Sevenoaks Vine CC, where he chairs the Management Committee and, when asked, still plays for the Old Vines (the Club's over 40's team). As you can tell from his post and from his comments in previous years), he is proactive in his approach towards supporting others; he is a mentor supporting individuals down on their luck in London (but more of that to follow).

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Heartaches, Hopes and High Fives

With apologies to sensitive eyes & ears

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had 

And add some extra, just for you.”

Philip Larkin goes on to suggest that we should all stop having children, and thus solve the problem!

Well that’s not very Christmassy is it?

You may remember my two previous Advent Blogs talking about the adventures of my previously-homeless-mentee; well, his tale continues, and his last 12 months have been “Heartache, Hope & High Fives” to a tee!

Let me take you back to December 2017.

After another storming year of advancement and achievement (he had been on the 6 O’Clock news; in videos; in The Times twice; promotion at work; he was really buzzing – wow was he moving on!), for the first time in 5 years he was looking forward to the 2017 Christmas break. We had even had laughs about Merry Christmas Vs Happy Holidays, whereas previously he would have been reflective and sad because this time of year has bad memories; his father had left home when he was young, he went into the penitentiary system, deportation, loneliness, and his birthday alone – all in these winter months.

But in 2017 things had gone so well.

Then, almost a year ago to the day, I got “that” call; just as we were putting our decorations together, he was falling apart. His mother had sent across a bunch of magazines from what had been home for 33 years, which he was quite enjoying actually, but tucked into the last fold was a short hand-written time bomb saying 

“I’m so pleased you are making a success of your new life in England, don’t fuck it up like you usually do”.

Heartache for him, it completely fried his mind. Heartache for me, I felt so bad for him – frog in well.

Why on earth do (some) parents do it, but at least we now knew the true cause of all the fuck-ups in his life?! It made me wonder about all the things I might have done, without meaning to, to affect my children over the years; I’d like to hope nothing that had come across as stupid!

But, we had fixed exactly this before; I told him we would do it again, he would get through this, he knew the ropes, he knew the small steps we would re-take – and he knew he could have hope; he would get over this, and that’s one of his most endearing features, he always has hope.

This year he’d hope that his first ever business presentation would help secure the coffee franchise on Virgin Trains; he’d hope that he wouldn’t be flustered giving his first ever corporate speech in Manchester; he’d hope that he might get the last sought-after place on a training course; he’d hope that he could feel good this Christmas.

Fast forward to this week.

Two friends meet in London for a Christmas catch-up and chat through that last twelve months, laughing and joking at past fears and worries that had been washed away by yet more success and further advances, and wishing each other Merry Christmas with high hopes for 2019.

And as they parted…………?

PS. If you buy coffee then please support “Change Please” when you see one of their coffee carts or travel on Virgin trains, and buy Tom’s blend in Sainsbury – you’ll be helping homeless back into sustainable employment.

Darkness to Dawn - Day 7

Day 7 (Thursday 7th December 2017)

Seventh January - the date that Christmas is celebrated in Russia, Ethiopia, Jordan, Romania

and Greece, where Orthodox Christians rely on the Julian calendar to determine the date.

My god daughter and her family are Jordanian Orthodox Christians - she

had a wonderful Christening on the banks of the River Jordan at the site where John the Baptist

is said to have baptised Jesus. One of the best weddings I have ever been to was

celebrated in a Romanian Orthodox church in Iasi 

- with a party afterwards that went on for days

A whole week of the Advent blog posts has passed and what an amazing selection we have had - ranging from encouragements to be more considerate and kind to those around us, to extraordinary tales of family history and very personal reflections on the highs and lows of the year just gone. The quality of the submissions has been superb and there are still many great posts to come.

Today's piece, another gem, is written by Sheridan Webb, and it is her first time contributing to the Advent Blog series. Sheridan is the Director of Training Services and owner of Keystone Development and Training Ltd. Sheridan is based in Liverpool. She is both creative and highly numerate (her degree is in Maths and Management Sciences at Manchester). She blogs, mainly on learning related subjects via her business website (here is the link) and is active on Twitter (her handle is @sheridan_webb) As you will gather from below, Sheridan is a loving, working mum, but still manages to find some time for herself - you may discover her in a Zumba class or else gardening. She used to be a volunteer gardener at the National Flower Centre in Liverpool, which was established as a Millennium project. Regrettably, the centre was forced to close in January of this year (a victim of austerity) and then suffered both vandalism and arson this summer.

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When I was asked to blog on this title, I thought it would be easy – but it wasn’t. It immediately evokes an expectation of an epic personal journey: Overcoming obstacles and immense difficulty to finally arrive in a positive place all the wiser for the experience.  But I don’t have a tale like that to tell – no real dark places to emerge from. Maybe that’s because I’m an optimist, though I don’t think I am. I’m a resilient and practical person who deals with whatever gets thrown at me and moves on. However, I haven’t had any major crises to really test me. Am I lucky, or has my practical and resilient nature just prevented these things from occurring? We will never know. Which brings me back to the fact that I don’t have a story of difficulty and resolution to share, and why I sat on the title for a good while!

So, (being a practical and resilient sort) I decided to take the title a bit more literally and tell a story. It was about 6 or 7 years ago when we took the children camping for the first time to the Lake District. It would have been lovely, but it rained. 

Almost constantly. 

That in itself would not have been a problem if the tent that had been in storage for the last 8 years didn’t leak. 

But we may as well have been sleeping under a colander! We spent the night getting dripped on and having no sleep at all – apart from my son who was about 5 at the time and had somehow managed to find the only dry spot in the tent (plus even now, he can sleep anytime, anywhere!). Around 3am the rain finally stopped and the torture of water dripping on me stopped. I tried to get comfortable in my soggy sleeping bag and hoped to get a couple of hours sleep. No chance, because at around 4am the daughter (aged around 7) decided she needed the toilet. Obviously, at her age and at that time of night I wasn’t going to send her across the field on her own, so I got up too. I donned my coat and wellies and off we trudged to the toilet block, all the time me wondering how on earth this was supposed to be fun, and resigning myself to the fact that there would be no sleep tonight.

I don’t know what made me look up on the way back from the toilet block, but I’m so glad I did. The clouds had cleared completely and the night sky was like nothing I’ve ever seen before or since. The sky was illuminated with stars. Every constellation clearly picked out. The Milky Way as clear as any photograph I’ve ever seen. I just stopped dead and took it in. 

Lack of sleep and general sogginess forgotten. I got my husband out of the tent (who was not impressed initially as he was just about dropping off to sleep), but he too was awestruck by the sight. The three of us stood there in wonder and we quietly pointed out various constellations to our daughter. It felt we were privilege to a rare thing, or members of a secret club, and it made all that misery of the night so far worth it, because without it I would never have been in that field at that moment seeing that sight.

So although I don’t have ‘dark times’ to share, I have bad days like everyone, and on those bad days, I always try to look up: To see what’s ahead; To look for the glimmer of light. Sometimes, there’s nothing there, but often there is. And even if there isn’t…at least I looked for it.

The Paths and Perceptions have Shifted

Day 35 (Monday 4th January 2016)

35 U.S.Dollars - the amount Phil Knight paid Caroline Davidson in 1971 for creating the
Nike swoosh logo. In 1983, circa 3 years after the company went public, he invited her to lunch
and gave her a diamond ring engraved with the swoosh
and an envelope filled with an undisclosed amount of Nike stock.

It gives me great pleasure to reintroduce Susannah Wheeler, a photographer and promotions editor. Last year's post was her first ever blog and explained what a tough path she had needed to tread to reach to where she was, you can read it here. What a difference a year makes... I am so pleased to see how things have changed. You can follow Susannah on Twitter (her handle is @EnglishFreckle); she often posts beautiful photographs.

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"Comet Tails and Coal Dust" - the title left me wondering where to start – I wanted to contribute after last year’s experience – and then a message with the ‘sailing high’ threw a whole new perspective on the title.  

This time last year I was reflecting on an amazing year, but also reflecting on a number of things where life hadn’t gone the way I’d planned.  This year the comet tails are whizzing and I’m moving at a better, more comfortable pace. There are more of my words in print, and I’m taking more photos than ever before.  The coal dust and darkness is still there sometimes, but it’s there as a reminder of where I’ve come from; to allow me to smile and breathe. Everything doesn’t have to be done today, there’s still time as far as I know, to plan, look forward to and enjoy the anticipation of the next bit.

My little comets are 16 and nearly 13 now, bright shining things who are blazing their own trails – my part of nurturing them is changing.  It’s time for me to take a step back as they move more independently and find their own ways.

Blaze a trail, do your own thing, life’s too short – just a few of the regular things I say to them both.  So much of growing up seems to be learning to conform, fit in, be accepted and be the same as everyone else otherwise they’re considered “weird”.  Fighting and defending your right to be different as a teenager is challenging.  But the 16 year old in particular does it, and I’m really proud of her.  She wants to act, to be on stage and she’s dedicated and focused.  The signs of the feisty two year old are back and it’s an interesting time.

Sometimes it’s tough as a parent, good cop/bad cop, providing a balanced argument, putting suggestions on the table where I can, alternatives where I need to and trying not to say a straight ‘no’ unless I really think I should: and I had to be both,  

until recently and a new addition to our lives means there’s a new dynamic coming into play.

Mutual friends, some decent timing and a bit of luck have put a new comet in my hands – our trail will light up a whole new path together.

Someone else to play the good cop role; someone to challenge why things are like they are.  Challenge with support – that’s a new experience for me and it’s enlightening.

15th century painting of Halley's Comet

The paths and perceptions of last year have shifted again.

This comet is burning bright and this time it’s love.  The dust and darkness is far behind.  What lies ahead is a bright and shiny future.  One that is full of hope and happiness.

Beth Krommes wood engraving Comet over New Hampshire, 1986