I know pain - you can’t hurt me; I’ve seen defeat - you can’t stop me - Day 11

Tuesday 11th December 2018

11 was the number of the Apollo spaceflight that landed the first two people
on the moon on the 20th July 1969. To this day there are regular allegations
that the whole mission was/is a hoax with evidence such as a 'flapping flag'
and a star-free sky being used to substantiate these claims.

Today we have a very personal blog, written from the heart, by Gary Cookson. He is an HR, OD and L&D expert who runs a consultancy business, EPIC HR. Gary is a key member of the HR community and I am proud to call him my friend.

However, the most important thing in Gary's life is his family - his adored wife and four wonderful children. His eyes light up whenever he talks about them. 

Gary is a caring, brave and wonderful man. He took note of my plea for interested parties who might want to run the Advent Blog series to contact me. I really do believe that the series (and you the readers) would benefit from a fresh pair of eyes and a new focus. 

Let me tell you a bit more about Gary: his business, EPIC, helps people to Evolve, Perform, Improve and Compete. Gary himself is physically competitive - a keen sportsman, he is a regular participant in triathlons and has managed some representative sports teams. Prior to running his own business Gary worked in HR in various sectors including Housing, Education, Not-for-Profit and Public (for the DBS). Prior to HR he qualified as a secondary school teacher (teaching History). He has a way with words - he blogs on the EPIC site and you can also catch his wisdom on Twitter (his handle is @Gary_Cookson) as well as hearing him at various conferences and events throughout the year.

I a delighted that he has come forward, as I can think of few who would match him in running this series. I am quite looking forward to being a contributor...

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The theme for this year’s advent blog series is Heartaches, hopes and high fives. The announcement of the theme prompted some deep reflection on my part - as per usual, my year has contained all of these in good measure, and, as usual, my blog is a personal account of this.

I’ll take them in theme order even though as I’ve planned this blog I’ve thought about things in chronological order. The quote which makes up the title of this blog is one of my favourites and comes from the ex WWE wrestler Tazz, but somehow seems appropriate here.

Heartaches

I’ve had a few.

My mum, who last year I said was having treatment for cancer and who I was estranged from, went into remission for part of the year but the cancer returned and she has resumed treatment. Perhaps the only good thing to have come from this is that it has helped us begin to repair our relationship.

My brother's partner, only in her early 30s, is also undergoing similar treatment and it seems out of proportion to be affecting our family like this.

My youngest son, at the time only 5 months old, was rushed into hospital for 3 days with suspected meningitis and whilst we were glad it ended up not being, it was still a serious virus and a very worrying time for us. 

My eldest daughter, now 13, decided this year that she no longer wished to live with me half the week as she had done since aged 3, and has gone full time to her mum's. Neither she nor we have any real explanation for this, but it shows no sign of changing and I’m heartbroken that someone to whom I was so close, for whom I was her hero and prince, who I loved beyond measure, can suddenly decide everything has changed for no apparent reason. I barely see or speak to her now and it’s left a massive gap in my life and heart. Worse is the effect this has on her two younger siblings, one of whom cries every time the elder daughter comes and goes, and wants nothing more than to play with her, and the younger of whom is growing up not knowing his eldest sister.

And finally I’m reminded of my own physical weaknesses. The male members of my family have a history of heart disease that strikes in their 40s. Knowing this, I’ve kept myself more fit than any other family member for a decade and had thought I might buck the trend, but there have been signs in the last year that my body thinks differently and I’m having tests to check what is going on with my heart, which aches.

Hopes

I obviously remain hopeful that all the heartaches will resolve themselves but in addition to these I have the following specific hopes.

That my eldest son passes his driving test and does well in his mock A levels, giving him a clear path to University.

That my two youngest children make a successful transition into full time school and nursery respectively.

That my wife makes a successful return to work after her maternity leave ends. 

And I hope my business, EPIC, continues to grow and develop in its second year. Even though I’ve done well in year one, I would like to be able to secure more income streams and add more value to clients and be able to relax more. 

High fives

Thankfully there have been lots of these. In no particular order:

My business was set up and has exceeded my wildest dreams in terms of its success. I did it at the right time and for the right reason and that fuel has helped me do things I didn’t think possible.

My eldest son got some impressive GCSE results and even bettered my own tally. He also began to realise his potential in our main sport and began to surpass my own levels of achievement and ability (even though I had a great year myself).

I’ve seen my eldest daughter develop some real and unexpected artistic talent, previously no one in the family has possessed this.

And I’ve seen my fourth child born and grow so well, with the high five going to my wife who managed a home birth with no pain relief!

Conclusions

Apologies for the very personal blog but it seemed appropriate for the theme. Often this year I have focused on the heartaches as these tend to dominate one's thinking and emotions, but having a theme like this reminds me, and all of us, that life doles out heartaches, hopes and high fives in roughly equal measure, not necessarily equally in one given year but certainly across a lifetime.

One can dwell on any of these areas but remember - they’re all there and more will come in each category too.

If, like me, you’ve not had a perfect year, then maybe, like me you’ve had an average year.

And that’s neither good or bad. It’s a sign that you’re living your life.

Doing your best.

When things go well, celebrate the successes, but when things go wrong, learn from the fails and stresses.

You’re going to have more of both. Get used to it. It’s called living.

Gary

Choosing Paths - Day 32 (New Year's Day)

Day 32 (January 1st 2015)

32 is the freezing point of water at sea level in degrees Fahrenheit
A typical adult human has 32 teeth (including Wisdom Teeth)
Cats have 32 muscles to control each ear (humans have 6 per ear)
A leech has 32 brains (one in each body segment)

Today is the start of a new year, with fresh paths ahead of us... All I can say is HAPPY NEW YEAR, may it exceed your hopes and aspirations.

This New Year's Day post is written by Ian Pettigrew, a much loved friend to many. He helps "people, teams and organisations to be more resilient and to realise their strengths" (to quote from his LinkedIn profile), but much more than that, he makes individuals feel appreciated and of value. A lovely man and a great workshop facilitator and coach (on Twitter he refers to himself as @KingfisherCoach). The choice of a kingfisher comes from a secluded riverside area near his home, where, when walking with Jake is collie, he often is inspired by the bright electric blue flash of the birds. A highlight of 2014 for me was staying at Ian's home, as his family's guest, when attending the CIPD Annual Conference. He really is as nice in real life as he comes across as being on line.

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I’ve chosen some new paths over the last 6 years, and I wanted to share some of my reflections and learning…

(1) You can’t choose a path if you don’t know your destination

If we are to choose a path, surely we need to know our destination? I feel like I spent quite a few years bimbling along in my career with only a vague sense of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I had a good job (Change Director in a large Pharmaceutical company), but it didn’t feel like it was enough. It was only when I had a really clear vision of the future that I could actually choose what path I was going to take. Be careful about getting really clear on a vision, though… Once I got an inkling of how I wanted things to be, I felt really unsettled until I started taking steps in the right direction and took the plunge, being more intentional about my path.

 (2) We might reach a destination and realise we don’t like it when we get there

 I had a vision of a lifestyle where I would work from home, doing a couple of days of coaching, a couple of days of church and charity stuff, and a couple of days of trading currencies each week and I set off down a path of making this vision a reality. I’d been trading CFD’s for a while as a hobby, and I knew I could make money from it, so I invested in professional training, opened a professional trading account and purchased the appropriate kit for my home office and started trading currencies (FOREX). And hated it. It worked well as a hobby and a bit of extra intellectual stimulation, but scaling it into work spoiled it for me and I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I devoted a lot of time, energy, and money into something that I decided was a dead-end for me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. It bothers me much less than the ‘I wonder if…’ regrets and learning what I didn't want is still valuable learning.

 (3) We often have to juggle multiple paths

Life is rarely as simple as following one path! I’m hopeless at managing my attention (I choose my words carefully as I don’t believe you can manage ‘time’) so I follow a very systematic approach to help me make better choices as to where to focus my attention. I’ve attached a screenshot of the structure of my to-do lists and I find it really helpful to be able to see all my paths one on map. Like all of us, I have thousands of choices each day about how to invest my attention and I need a good map to aid me.

This is how I look at my goals and priorities, balancing Thrive (I used to label it ‘Live’ but it seemed too passive), Work, and Serve. Having left my job 5.5 years ago to pursue my paths, I’ve set up my own business, done a Theology degree and been licensed as a lay minister (Reader) in the Church of England), and joined the Board of a charity (Retrak, working with street children across Africa) as a trustee. I’m really busy and I like it that way but I have to make an effort to keep things balanced. Work and Serve have had a lot of my attention but Thrive has had less, something that I’ve addressed over the last few months (and why I’m a lot less active on Twitter in the evening that I used to be!). And as I look at the goals and activities I have for ‘healthy’, there’s a whole path around fitness that is somewhat overgrown at the moment and definitely needs some more attention. Sometimes we need to review the big picture of which paths we’re on and do some juggling!

The Juggler by Fritz Beinke, 1873, oil on canvas

(4) We can’t always see the destination clearly when we embark on the journey

I embarked on a path to set up a business as a coach. Over time that has evolved and the dominant focus of my business is leadership and team development, supported by coaching. I couldn’t have predicted that at the start of the journey, and probably wouldn’t have named my business Kingfisher Coaching if I did know! My specialism is in strengths and resilience. I couldn’t have predicted that at the start of my journey. I set up with the intention of being a freelancer, enjoying the freedom of working alone and determined that I didn’t want to grow this into a larger business. Now, things are going really well and I see the opportunity to make a bigger impact which is making me question that decision. I didn’t foresee that at the start of the journey. Sometimes, the only way we can figure out the exact destination and path, is to start heading in the right direction and see what we see on the way.

(5) Paths can be very fulfilling

I remember thinking long and hard about whether to take the risk of exchanging a comfortable, predictable path for a much scarier one. I feel incredibly fortunate (rather than lucky!) for how things have turned out. Through intentionally pursuing some new paths, I am doing work that I love. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from doing what I do. I’m doing something that I’m good at, making an impact that I care deeply about, for clients who are ace, working alongside and collaborating with awesome people. It isn’t all Unicorns and Rainbows, but it is pretty damned close. I feel a strong sense of calling to my ministry in the church and I have a very simple faith, based on loving (and not judging) others. Through taking some time off to do church & charity stuff in Uganda, I was privileged to meet street children in the slums; something that led to my involvement with Retrak, and I feel fortunate to make a tiny contribution to changing the lives of street children. 

I’m far from perfect, but I love being me and I feel very fortunate to do what I do and I’m thankful that I took the paths that got me here.  

Happy New Year!